The EPT

How can I help someone who has or is having an ectopic pregnancy?

People who are dealing with ectopic pregnancy can feel very traumatised by their experience. It is only natural that friends and family members feel they want to help, but it can be difficult to know what to say or do. This page has been designed to give you some insight in to what the person going through ectopic pregnancy may experience or feel and offers suggestions about how you can help.

What is Trauma?

Trauma is a stressful event or incident of a threatening nature, which is likely to have a pervasive impact on anyone experiencing it. Examples include events such as serious accidents, rape, crime, natural and manmade disasters, and witnessing a violent death. Less dramatic events and incidents can have a similar effect if they exceed a person’s capacity to cope, or if they are perceived by the person as a threat to their physical or psychological integrity. This latter description is often the one that qualifies ectopic pregnancy as a cause of trauma in the person who experiences it.

Common Reactions

People involved in overwhelming disasters and incidents often report typical reactions. Knowing about these reactions can be useful, because it can help them feel that they are not going crazy or that they aren’t weak or inadequate. Such experience is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. It is also important to realise that each person deals with trauma in a slightly different way, because each situation is unique.

Survivors of trauma may experience episodes of repeated reliving of some aspects of the trauma in the form of intense memories (called flashbacks), nightmares and frightening thoughts. They may also experience physical reactions to situations that remind them of the traumatic event. This repeated reliving of the traumatic event could disturb their day-to-day activities and functioning, and result in a lack of interest in normal activities. At other times they may experience a sense of numbness, emotional blunting, perhaps even a feeling that they no longer care about anything. They may feel detached from other people and then frustrated that they don’t seem to understand how they feel.

They are likely to experience a wide range of different emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness and guilt. In the immediate aftermath they may feel vulnerable, the world might seem threatening, and the future uncertain. Fear and panic are  therefore very understandable emotional responses. Anger is another common response. They may feel angry because of what has happened to them, angry because they don’t feel in control of their life any more, angry with others for making them suffer either deliberately or unwittingly. Some people may start blaming themselves for what happened and feel guilty about the event. Some may experience survivor guilt (guilt over surviving whilst their baby did not), even though they are not responsible for that in any way. The experience could trigger physical symptoms such as palpitations, patchy sleep, poor concentration, agitation and dizziness. Traumatic events or incidents could rekindle feelings of previous trauma and loss, which had perhaps been buried or denied for many years.

Trauma may lead to a reassessment of the person’s vulnerability and the meaning of their life, because it can overturn so much that was previously held dear. It is important to realise that all of the above, and other reactions, are understandable and normal responses to an abnormal and overwhelming event.

Recovery

Recovery takes time. A psychological wound cannot be forced to heal quickly. It is no different from a physical wound. Flowing with the healing process is better than fighting it. This process can be described as moving from victim to survivor. There are some common elements in this period of healing:

• Survivors acquire more control in remembering the event. Memory and emotions are joined. The memory is re-examined and then filed away.
• The trauma may still affect them, but it is no longer overwhelming.
• The troublesome symptoms recede, become more tolerable and predictable and gradually fade away.
• They are able to reconnect with others and move on with life.
• They are able to give some new meaning to both the trauma and to themselves as a trauma survivor.
• For some it can lead to a reappraisal of their basic priorities and values, which may result in important positive life changes.
• Still others are able to transform their experience, through adversity and suffering, into a gift enabling them to help others in similar circumstances.

It is important to understand that there are no real ‘time frames’ for this and each person takes as long as they take to overcome the challenges of experiencing a trauma such as ectopic pregnancy.

Helping a Friend who has had a Trauma or Crisis

You may want to be supportive to a friend who has suffered a traumatic incident but feel unsure about how to go about it. The most important thing you can do is offer to ‘be’ there with them. Immediately after a trauma, people are likely to be in shock and may not be able to talk about the incident or their feelings. Be gentle. Comfort them in nonverbal ways. Warm sweet drinks are good, holding hands or touching if appropriate, letting them know that it’s OK to cry or rage or be silent if they need to. You don’t have to ‘do’ anything other than be present or to listen if they want to talk. Do not attempt to ‘debrief’ them with endless questions, as there is some evidence that this can reinforce the trauma and make it harder to deal with later.

Be specific about the amount of time you have (eg I want to spend the next hour with you, but then I need to go and write an essay/ go to the library/ phone my partner etc). This allows your friend to relax, knowing that it’s OK to share for that hour and that they are not ‘burdening’ you (an understandable worry between friends). Sometimes it may be quite harrowing to hear what they have to say. If so, it might be helpful for your friend to see a GP. You can still continue to show support in other ways, for example going along with them to make an appointment, meeting them for coffee, cooking their supper, continuing to socialise.

Do:

• Be there for them
• Ask them if they want to talk about it
• Respect their decision if they are not ready to
• Offer comfort in practical ways (shopping, note taking etc.)
• Encourage them to be gentle with themselves – they will need time
• Encourage others to be patient.

Do Not:

• Tell them to stop crying/raging/feeling whatever they are feeling
• Try to make them cheer up
• Tell them someone else is worse off
• Be afraid to mention the trauma for fear of upsetting them
• Pretend that nothing has happened
• Ask them lots of questions about the trauma directly after the event.

If you are worried that your friend needs help from someone else but they are reluctant to go along with this idea, you can contact the EPT helpline on 020 7733 2653. We will do our best to support you.

It takes time. The person who experienced the ectopic pregnancy may feel the need to talk about what happened and how it made them feel then, and how it’s making them feel now, over many weeks and months. Often, feeling that there is someone to listen to them who isn’t trying to fix anything but is able to listen in a compassionate way, is extremely helpful in the recovery process.