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After discovering on Valentine's day that I was pregnant ... everything went south real quick ... next morning (1am) a pop happened & bleeding had started ... I knew at that moment our baby was gone... an almighty ache in my chest started & hasnt left me since! Didnt think I could cry so hard ...
After 5 days of on & off bleeding & a dull pain down my right side I phoned the GP for help to be met with 'sorry we think you are 'just' having an early pregnancy miscarriage ... heres a number to call if your symptoms get worse' ... wouldnt of made any difference to the outcome but I genuinely feel I have had 48 hours of recovery time stolen from me!
Monday morning came (1 week of bleeding) where I phoned the number & begged for someone to see me after pain was now up the right side & in my shoulder blades ... so after they found our 'black shape' on screen I was quickly rushed in for an emergency op ... due to covid I had to go through the whole hospital part myself without my husband ... but im a 'strong independent woman' & tried to convince myself this wasnt gonna effect me ... but to hear the doctor say next morning the surgeons were surprised at how much blood they found in my abdomen ... I broke down & I think this is where my anger started as that was a nice way of saying 'you were internally bleeding to your death had you left it any longer!'
Since then periods have been awful ... from 30+ dayers with heavy blood like going through the ectopic again ... to 23-26 dayers with little to no blood ... GP's keep saying everything is fine but I dont feel fine & dont trust them! We've started 'trying' again & every time mother nature arrives its as though shes trying to tell me to give up on ever being a Mum. Its at this point every month where I feel back to square 1!
My husband has been amazing through this ordeal however the guilt I feel as each month passes I worry more & more this amazing man wont be made a father by me ... which breaks my heart!
I feel so lost as I dont know anyone who has gone through this or if there will ever be light at the end of this tunnel ... I need help dealing with this guilt I have as its hurting too much...
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with it then please help me? Would be greatly appreciated x