how to move forward

[Bettyboo_220]

Hi all I've never written on any message boards like this before but thought I would share my story with you all and see if anyone is feeling lost like I am.

My partner and I have been trying for over 2 years now we have had all kinds of tests done but everything always came back showing no issues.
So when we finally got a positive test result at the end of August we were over the moon and for a short few days we unbelievably happy. Then I started having some light bleeding it was brownish at first, changing briefly to red this went on for 3 days before it completely stopped. I contact my GP who told me to ring my local early pregnancy clinic and that it was normal for some bleeding during pregnancy and not to worry too much. I contacted the clinic only to be told that they wouldn't scan me until I was 6 weeks and that if the bleeding was caused by an early miscarriage there wasn't anything anyone could do. Being only about 4 weeks I made an appointment and crossed my fingers everything would be ok. The day of the appointment I woke feeling excited I was going to see my baby. I had no pains and felt fine in fact I felt amazing no sickness no tiredness just sore boobs but I could live with that. The nurse scanned me but couldn't find any sign of my baby anywhere. They queried my dates thinking I was earlier than I thought but as we had been tracking my period for so long we knew it was right. They did a pregnancy test which still showed positive so they took bloods to check my hormone levels telling me that it was more than likely I had miscarriaged and that the hormone levels would confirm it. They sent me home and told me they would ring me later that day with the results but to prepare myself for the worst. I was a complete mess I cried all the way home. That afternoon the nurse called my bloods were over 2000 and that I was to come back the next day for another scan but if I felt any pain or if I felt ill at all I was to go to A&E straight away. That night I felt pain in my left side so my partner took me to A&E where after 2hrs and no scan they sent me home saying my bloods were now nearly 3000 and that there was nothing wrong and to keep my appointment the next day at the EP clinic. That night was the longest of my life I lay awake talking to my baby begging it to come out and stop hiding, telling him/her that we just wanted to know it was ok. The next day at the appointment the nurse scanned me again she kept saying I was hard to scan so she went to get then ward sister who came in and took over they scanned me for about 10 minutes before finally finding my baby stuck in my right tube. My heart sank I knew what this meant I had googled everything it could possibly be in the small hours of the night before. I was rushed to the nearest hospital who could do the surgery and told it would all happen very quickly and try not to worry. When I got the hospital the Reg on call scanned me saying they couldn't see what the EP clinic had seen but my uterus was empty but as I was showing no signs of pain or sickness they would leave me till the next day and let the consultant check me over. It was another long night hoping and praying this was a mistake. The next day the consultant came she scanned me and said I had a fibroid on my left side and that baby could be hiding behind it and that It could be just a cyst on my ovary but they would go in with the camera first to check as the scans weren't clear. I was prepared for theatre hoping that my baby was hiding and that I would wake up and it would all be ok. It wasn't I woke to be told that the baby was in my right tube and that it had started to rupture leaving them no choice but to take the tube. I was devastated in fact a week later I still am. I don't know where to start to get over this after wanting a baby for so long this feels like a cruel joke. My partner and I are getting married in just over a month and I'm meant to be planning and organisating things but I don't have the heart to do any of it anymore. We have put so much time and effort into this wedding paying for everything ourselves doing it all how we wanted it. But now I just feel lost and alone and not sure how to make it better x

[EPT Host 20]

Dear Bettyboo_200,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
When we experience an ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction (for some loss) of fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Any one of these is hard to contend with and putting it all together is immense.
I too really struggled emotionally after my ectopic pregnancy and found my emotions were more overwhelming after I'd been discharged from hospital care. Although family and friends were well-meaning, they didn't really understand what I was going through. I too reached out to the trust and found the information and support from women who understood exactly how I felt so comforting.
It is still very early days since your loss. There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault.

I would recommend talking to your partner/family about how you feel especially regarding your wedding and talk through options or how they can help you.

You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friend here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

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[Bettyboo_220]

Hi Karen

Thank you for your advice. I have already spoken to my family about postponing the wedding. While Their reaction was somewhat sympathetic they were more concerned about the money and the cost to other family members while telling me that I would change my mind and that the wedding is something to focus on and take my mind off my loss. While I can see their point I'm not sure they are hearing me x

[numb81]

Hi bettyboo

I'm so sorry to read your story, it sounds like you had such a tough time full of moments of hope and then devastating news

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I had a missed miscarriage in February followed by a break up and then (after choosing to go through a fertility centre alone as I'm 35) I just had surgery 5 days ago and lost my left tube due to an ectopic pregnancy. To be honest, I think I'm in shock still and obviously v sad and worried about the future as I really want to be a mum.

But....what I do know is that I felt this way after the miscarriage....similar to you....hopeless, not interested in anything....but it is understandable given your experience and I promise it does get better with time. It's a lot to process when we are so emotional and it's important to be kind to yourself.

I hope you can talk to your husband about how you feel? Or someone else....we are here too xx

[Bettyboo_220]

Hi Numb

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry for both your loses. I'm sure you must have been completely devastated. I am also 35 so I know what you mean about age. I can almost hear my biological clock ticking in my ear. My husband isn't a great talker about feelings but he does try but he has a son from a previous relationship and I don't think he gets the fact that I have wanted this for years and now I feel like it has been taken away from me. He keeps telling me we can try again once I'm ready but I will always have lost my first child. I hope you have the support system to help you deal with everything you have been through. I hope your right and this is just grief and I will start to feel better even a little every day. I hope it will be the same for you x

[numb81]

Hello again
Thank you- yes i still feel devastated. I never thought this would happen to me, let alone twice!

I don't know if it'll help you but I take some comfort in finding positives in my situation whilst still allowing myself to feel heartbroken at times. I've read lots of stories online and heard stories of friends of friends and my experience still could be worse. For example, I am thankful both losses were before 8 weeks so like some women I didn't have to deliver what really would have looked like a baby later, I think of poor women who have still borns, and those that lose their babies soon after birth or even as toddlers. The world can be a cruel place and I'm just thankful, although this hurts like [heck], that it wasn't as bad as it could have been...I don't know how these other women cope but I know they do....it may take them years but they gain strength and even go on to try again.

The memory of this loss will stay with you but the emotion will hopefully lessen to one of sadness and love for that baby. It took me months of crying after the miscarriage but I only really have two options....this breaks me or makes me stronger...I choose to use this emotion to carry on, do my best, recover and try again! I'm not ready to give up yet....those babies need fighting for! But....who knows, maybe my approach isn't right...I don't know! All I know is that it hurts but I won't be beaten until I have my baby in my arms

Lots love xxxx

[Bettyboo_220]

That is a very good way of looking at thing. I guess in my case I should take the positive that I can conceive which we didn't know before. Thank you so much for your advice you have really helped me xx

[numb81]

Hello

I forgot about the can get pregnant one! Yep' that's a huge one it's actually the one I've held on to in the past week when I fear if I'll get pregnant again! I just label it a worry thought which has no evidence or fact to it yet based on past experience!

How're you feeling? Xx

[Bettyboo_220]

Some days are better than others. But talking is helping. how about you how are you feeling??

[numb81]

Hey
The same as you...some days I don't think too much but some I get really upset. I went for a walk yesterday and today and all I see are pregnant women and babies and I think, why can't I have one!? I guess that's normal. Not having a v hopeful day today. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see me in the future with a baby! Xx

[30922 sharon]

Hi ladie. Im in a bit of a fiddle after an ectopic and am hoping ye could give me a bit of advice as im not get answers. I had cornual ectopic so because of the position (corner of the womb) they didnt want to go to surgery so opted for metotrexate got the first on 12 jul due to heartbeat being present it didnt work so had 2nd mtrxt a week later. Scan showed no heartbeat after. They continued checking bhcg which are now down to 7 today so have been discharged. My concern is that i had a scan 3 days ago because of pain in my left side and it showd ectopic is still present and still same size since 2 metrxte. Should it be gone qt this stage or are my worring for nuthing??

[Bettyboo_220]

Numb

I'm so sorry your having a bad day but hopefully they will get less and less and we will move on to brighter futures together and one day be talking about our bundles of joy. I have felt like eveywhere I look I see pregnant people or new born babies to the point where I have removed 2 friends from Facebook because I can't look at there scan pictures and hear them talk about how amazing everything is. Glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. Keep your chin up xxx

[Bettyboo_220]

Hi Sharon

I wouldn't be happy with things as they are I have a friend who suffered a missed miscarriage and she ended up with a rather nasty infection. I would seek medical advice again xx

[numb81]

Hi Betty boo

I can relate. The day after my surgery- an old uni friend posted scan photos of her twins! I thought- oh my god....and some ppl get two babies! I hit unfollow straight away. I'm happy for her but it's not wise for me to see that at the moment!
Yes I really hope we can share some positive stories soon
Keep well xxx

[numb81]

Hi Sharon
Sorry to hear about what's happening

Maybe give them a call and say you want a scan to be reassured all is gone? It sounds like the numbers have gone down to 7? Below 5 is not pregnant so I'd be surprised if you would see anything anymore?
Xxx

[Bettyboo_220]

Ok so feeling very proud of myself. I've had 2 days this weekend where I have had to drag my ass out of bed and put on real clothes, do my hair and put my face on. I had a day out with the girls on Saturday due to it being my fiancée stag and they didn't want me to be stuck at home all day alone the girls organised afternoon tea followed by the cinema was wonderful we laughed and joked and had a great time. We arrived at the cinema and my friend handed me my pre paid ticket and my heart sank. The movie she had picked was Bridget Jones baby I didn't have the heart to tell her this wasn't the best idea for me. she thought this was doing something nice. I choose to stay and apart from one part showing a first scan I made it through the movie without turning into an emotional mess. Sunday was a work friends baby shower again I could have stayed home but I didn't want to be the only one not there. I made it through that too I sat and listened to all the stories and looked at all the tiny clothes and I didn't fall apart I was sad yes but I didn't run away crying and screaming. Numb if your reading this your positive attitude worked I just thought about all positives things that have come out of this and it help me get through. Thank you xx

[numb81]

Hi Betty boo

Wow- I'm seriously impressed!! Well done you! That was two extremely hard things to sit through! How did you manage it because I don't think I could have faced the baby shower!?
Xxxx

[Bettyboo_220]

It was hard I'm not going to lie and to be completely honest I was one of the first people to leave. I think the girls from work helped they stayed with me and acted like a buffer through some of it and I just keep thinking I don't want to cry I don't want to make this about me and I had to remember I've been pregnant and it could happen again and there is a good possibility that it won't end badly next time. Oh and the cocktails helped.

[numb81]

Haha- brilliant- good old cocktails!

Well I'm really proud of you! That shows a lot of strength I can relate to that thought too....when I want to avoid friends with babies, I often stop and think about how I'd want them there and happy for me if I do have my own one day and that then helps me act how I'd hope to be treated in the future!

Glad to hear you sounding more positive and hopeful xx

[Bettyboo_220]

That's a good way to look at it. My best friend is currently pregnant and she is my bridesmaids so there is no avoiding her. So it's something I've had to deal with very quickly she has gone through her own heartbreak so she kinda knows what I'm going through which helps. I'm so glad I can come on here and talk I feel like a broken record and people are gonna get sick of listening to me soon xx