I am 21 years old and last year I had an unexpected pregnancy (ectopic). I had sex at the end of October 2015 when I was drunk with a guy who I had been seeing for a few months. The next morning I got a call from him saying that I should get the morning after pill. I went straight to the chemist and took it there and then, about 10 hours after we had had sex. During the end of November, I was experiencing bleeding and cramps and I could not understand why as I had just had my (which then I thought) period a week beforehand. I just thought that it was after effects of the morning after pill.
I am a student in a very intense course so Christmas exams were creeping up. On December 4th, I was on the train to Uni for an exam when the pains got so bad I felt as if I was going to pass out. I sat on the ground of an extremely overcrowded train, not even considering the passengers around me. I felt as if I was dying. As soon as we arrived to the station I sat on the bench and got myself together. I called my GP and said I needed to be seen. I had been given an appointment in 3 hours time. I knew I only had 20 minutes to make it to the exam hall so I got up and went. To be honest, I do not know how I survived the exam, literally.
The pains were so bad I was crying while doing it. I finished it and got straight back on the train home. I was early to the GP appointment but I did not care. My GP put the pains down as general cramps and nothing to worry about. He took a urine sample but said everything looked fine and the high blood count was just from the bleeding. I knew there had to have been something more going on but I took his word and left. As I was walking down the stairs, he chased me and called me back into his office. He had taken a pregnancy test and it had come up as positive. Both of us were in complete shock. Going through my head 'this cannot be possible, this is not happening to me, there's no way I am pregnant especially after taking the morning after pill'. I just kept saying to him ' I can't be pregnant, what can I do to stop this from really being true??'.
He genuinely seemed quite upset and said that considering the amount of bleeding, it most likely wouldn't continue to a full pregnancy and that he would call an ambulance for me. I refused this, I am a very very private person even with a lot of great friends and in my small town, I knew that someone would see me getting into an ambulance and the news would spread like wildfire. I told him I would get a taxi straight there. I called my best friend and cried my eyes out to her. She cancelled work and I collected her in the taxi. We went straight to the hospital where I had to wait for a few hours. For some reason, I began joking about the situation and laughing that the test was positive. I think it was just a coping mechanism. I saw a nurse quickly and she again said that I was definitely pregnant.
A few hours later I saw a junior doctor who could not figure out what was going on. I then saw a senior doctor who also could not figure it out. I had internal and external scans. This went on for hours and eventually my friend had to leave the hospital as it became late. I was admitted for the night as I had to wait and see a specialist first thing in the morning and they knew it was not safe for me to go home. I saw the specialist and another senior doctor. After about an hour of them checking scans (about 7am), they decided that I needed immediate emergency surgery. This was all so surreal for me, going from finding out I was pregnant to having my first ever surgery (alone) within 20 hours.
Next thing I know, I am awake with one less Fallopian tube in a busy operating room with a surgeon, a doctor and a nurse looking down on me. I was high on morphine so at the time this seemed quite normal and I was even happy, joking with the young nurse. I had lost about 3 litres of blood according to the doctor as I was bleeding internally.
I was brought up to a ward where I could sleep for a while. It was about 5pm when I woke up and my friend had come back in. She had been there while I was sleeping but by 6pm she had to leave for work. The night before I had texted my family to say I would be staying in a friends house for the night. I am not close to my mother as we are complete opposites. I am very quiet and she is abusive and loud to everyone who does not agree with her.
At the time I couldn't think of anything worse than staying in the hospital again for another night. Barely able to walk or stand up, the doctors tried their hardest to make me stay the night again but I was so adamant to leave that they eventually let me. I got a taxi home and I arrived home at about 10pm that night. I walked straight in and held myself together for approximately 2 minutes just to say I was home. I was in agony. I went straight to bed and the next day I had to pretend like I was fine and that I hadn't just had surgery 24 hours before. Thank god my mother ended up going out for the day so I could stay in bed without being questioned.
I was so extremely down for the next few days due to my hormones being all over the place that I did not speak to anyone. This all happened over the Friday and Saturday and by Monday I was back in uni doing an exam, still in agony. My friends knew something was up as it was very strange that I would not be in contact with them for longer than an hour let alone a few days. As nice as this was to know that people were concerned for me, I just did not have to strength to tell anyone.
During all of this, the guy who I had been seeing was on a boys trip away to Europe. I didn't even want to tell him at all let alone when he was away on holidays as it would ruin his fun. He is a very nice guy and eventually a counsellor from the hospital told me that I should really tell him. When he got home a few days later I called him to tell him. He was great throughout the whole thing and very upset himself that this had happened to me. I feel like I played the situation down a lot so he would not feel guilty. I begged him not to tell anyone and to this day he has still kept it a secret. We didn't continue things but he still contacts me to check up to this day. I am very lucky in this situation.
I went to mandatory counselling in the hospital three times after the operation. She was a lovely woman but despite the fact that she was a counsellor in a maternity hospital, she repeatedly told me that she did not have much knowledge with ectopic pregnancy which I found unusual. It did help to be able to speak to someone without the fear of making them feel sad or guilty but I do not think that it was that beneficial for me.
Eventually I told the rest of my close friends as they would not let it go. I trust them, I think, but it still scares me to think that one of them may have told a family member or friend as I would hate for people to look at me differently.
I never told my family members as I have already said that I am not close at all with my mother and I know she would turn this around to make it my fault and verbally abuse me for it. I did not tell my father as it would break his heart. I did not tell my sisters as I felt ashamed of myself as I am supposed to be the sister in a good college course and with my act together. I am not saying that this situation is anything to be ashamed of in the slightest but for some reason it is just how I felt.
I always bottle my situations up and I don't express my feelings towards anyone as I hate the thought of people feeling sorry for me. Over the past few months I have suffered severe anxiety and panic attacks. Panic attacks so bad I thought I was dying and lay on restaurant bathroom floors suffering until I sent myself to hospital. The doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depressants but I never opened the box as I am afraid of becoming reliant on medication. Before the EP, I never suffered from any sort of anxiety or stress, even from growing up in a toxic household. This weekend and many days throughout the past year I have not wanted to leave bed. I have sat in a dark room for the last 48 hours without eating. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced this after ?
I have forced myself to go to a uni therapist as it is free but he is male and I feel that he thinks that an ectopic pregnancy is not that serious. This has made me not want to go to any therapist as I don't think anyone understands what it's like unless you personally have gone through it. I nearly died and I am still only coming to terms with it exactly one year on. Even sometimes, making myself believe that it really wasn't anything serious. I feel I have no one to talk to about his and I know my anxiety getting worse day by day. I could talk to my friends about it but I don't want to burden them as they may have their own problems.
I am sorry for the very long post but it is nice to get it all out. Thank you all for your stories, they are nice to relate to. Does anyone else suffer from anxiety or panic attacks since?
