How can you explain something to someone about how you feel , when you don't even really know yourself? Explain the most surreal and heartbreaking situation you have ever gone through, that you'd never ever thought in a month of Sundays would happen. I mean one of those scenarios where you know it can happen, but never thought it would happen to you?
The worst moment of my entire life happened........ all before i'm 30 , and if I babble, then i apologize , rambling just tends to happen when i try and make sense of something. Ive been contemplating writing something here all week, in fact, since the day after i left the hospital.
This time last week i was sat in a hospital bed , confused, upset and angry after the most awful 24 hours of my life. Within 1 solitary day, I find out that i'm Pregnant ... believe me I had no idea... not one symptom , in fact i thought i was on my period , not only that i was on the pill. Then, found out the pregnancy is ectopic and have to undergo emergency surgery to remove the poor little mite.
The day started like any other. Get up and go to work. Things did feel abit off that morning, but put that down to my period. Get to work, and within half an hour I am in the most excruciating agony i have ever felt in my life. I thought at the start i was just really bad period pains, but for the pill i was on , it was getting abit strange and the pain wasn't going , which after painkillers they normally would.
I asked to go home. I was going to make a doctors appointment when i got home, but on the way something told me to go straight to A&E. Half way i even contemplated calling an ambulance the pain was getting that bad, driving was becoming more difficult. After finally being see by the doctors, and providing them a wee sample, they tell me two words that I never actually thought i would hear any time soon.... YOU'RE PREGNANT! All of a sudden i have that many emotions flying through my brain it is unbelievable. Two words i have always wanted to hear, but ironically not at that present moment in time. Ive always wanted to be a mummy ever since i was little, and still do, i've found the right man, but we've only been together 2 months, we weren't ready for that, i was scared!
The A&E doctor wasn't fully convinced as i was on the pill and on my 'period', so, to confirm we did blood tests. He did mention the it could be an ectopic pregnancy,if results came back possitive, but as he wasn't convinced it could have also been renal colic, hence my pain. following was an agonizing 2hours waiting for results.
It was clear as day .....PREGNANT.
I was taken up to the ward which would be my home for the next few days. The staff were so lovely, and so caring , it made it that tiny smidge easier. The ultra sound was the most bizzare experience, seeing your little beans 'home' ... empty .... to then see them stuck, with no way of getting home, the only way to resolve that would be to have them removed..... possibly with the tube. There they were stuck on my left hand side, with no way to make it better.
For hours sat in that bed overwhelmed, just needing cuddles from my man, but not being able to have them,
I had never felt so alone. Well strictly speaking i wasn't, but i still hadn't got round the fact, that i had a child growing inside of me! If i had done what i normally did if i had any slight thought that i was pregnant, maybe i could have prevented it? could it, in enough time been possible to prevent loosing my our baby and save my left tube? I will always think.... if only i did that pregnancy test when i thought about it weeks ago, would things be different?
The ladies on the ward said it was normal for me to be nervous or scared about surgery..... but the truth is was wasn't scared one bit, being told i could be dead now if i had left it any longer, kind of made that fear irreverent, i was more upset about the reason why i was having surgery. As far as i was concerned, at the very moment was, what could be worse? The fact that i was been put to sleep or the fact that i knew that I was going to have to do something that i've always been against, terminating our child. The worse thing was , how the [heck] was i going to tell my partner? 'I'm really sorry baby , but i'm pregnant, but i wont be in 12 hours time?'. I mean it didn't even feel real. I literally felt like i was in a nightmare.
He knew i was in hospital, but not strictly what i was in for , i had told him (because it was mentioned in the scan) that its exploratory, it could be a ruptured csyst .
The next few days were like a blur of pain, anxiety and disbelief. I told him what had happened and what it was, he was so sweet and loving, but he couldn't help but feel partly to blame. I had assured him it wasn't remotely his fault, at all! He was more upset that he couldn't be with me, and look after me, as at the end of the day, he was gutted, but there was nothing we could do about it. He was there when i needed him , all be it on the phone. I seriously could not ask for a better partner, he has been my rock , my heart and soul through all of this.
Leaving the hospital was a mixed bag of emotions. Glad to be leaving , but it would be back to reality. As i waited for my mum to return to the car, i sat there and burst into tears. I'd had 12 hours of knowing about my baby, and now i was leaving without it inside of me. All i have left as a reminder is 4 scars and my head all over the place.
Still , now a week later, it still doesn't seem real! Will it ever? I have all these fears that i never had before. I know i can get pregnant now ( which before was a worry) , but now when i get pregnant again, will it happen again? I only have one tube left! How will it affect me getting pregnant? will periods hurt more now? will i ever be the same?
There will evidently will come a time where i wont talk to me closest about this anymore, because they worry i will dwell on it, and put myself through 'unnecessary' anguish! But at the end of the day its a really rubbish thing that's happened and I will never get over it , because i lost our child because i couldn't carry them .
Im still in disbelief and still cry when i think about it , and on top of all that you feel useless because you're not allowed to do anything while you recover. Luckily the pain has subsided a lot and i can do a bit more, but the idleness is driving me insane. I know it will take plenty of time to fully recover , not just physically , but mentally, but will it get easier???
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The worst moment in my entire life
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EPT Host 20
- Posts: 3168
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Re: The worst moment in my entire life
Dear SarahHBM1,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the very early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day maybe ok and the next you maybe in more discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for how ever long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault.
You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friend here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.
With regards to future pregnancies, the chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So thats 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
Generally, when a person has only one fallopian tube and both ovaries, they are still able to get pregnant from an egg at the opposite ovary as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side. The fallopian tubes are not attached to the ovaries and, at the point of ovulation, some very delicate structures called the fimbriae begin to move gently creating a slight vacuum to suck the egg toward the end of the tube it is nearest to (like lots of little fingers waving and drawing the egg towards it). So, if you have only one tube then there is only one set of receptors working and one set of fimbriae creating a vacuum and so the egg is much more likely to find its way to that tube, whichever ovary it is produced from. Conservative estimates suggest that an egg produced on the tubeless side manages to descend the remaining tube around 15 to 20% of the time.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.
In time, we can get to a place where feel comfortable trying again. When this us is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery. Take each day as it comes.
Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Sending much love,
Karen x
**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the very early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day maybe ok and the next you maybe in more discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for how ever long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault.
You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friend here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.
With regards to future pregnancies, the chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So thats 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
Generally, when a person has only one fallopian tube and both ovaries, they are still able to get pregnant from an egg at the opposite ovary as an egg from one ovary can travel down the tube on the other side. The fallopian tubes are not attached to the ovaries and, at the point of ovulation, some very delicate structures called the fimbriae begin to move gently creating a slight vacuum to suck the egg toward the end of the tube it is nearest to (like lots of little fingers waving and drawing the egg towards it). So, if you have only one tube then there is only one set of receptors working and one set of fimbriae creating a vacuum and so the egg is much more likely to find its way to that tube, whichever ovary it is produced from. Conservative estimates suggest that an egg produced on the tubeless side manages to descend the remaining tube around 15 to 20% of the time.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.
In time, we can get to a place where feel comfortable trying again. When this us is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery. Take each day as it comes.
Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Sending much love,
Karen x
**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
