Can't stop thinking about the baby

TheaT · Post by **TheaT** » Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:31 pm

I found out that I was pregnant a few days before Christmas (and was very happy), and then right after Christmas I went to the local early pregnancy unit with some pain and bleeding and found out it was an ectopic. I was devastated.

At that point I was 6 weeks pregnant so they decided to try Methotrexate. The first shot did not work, so I had to get a second one too. After that the hcg levels started to drop, so I thought it was working.

Long story short, a week after the second dose I started having some pain again and also swelling in the abdomen (I later learnt it was a sign of internal bleeding). After a couple of exhausting visits to the hospital it was decided that I needed surgery - by then I was 9 weeks pregnant.

Indeed, after surgery the doctor told me I'd had a lot of internal bleeding and that my tube had ruptured gradually - that's why I did not feel the extreme pain that most people experience.

He also emphasized that the "ectopic" was very big. I didn't ask him how big exactly or whether the baby was alive - I was too afraid of the answer. Before surgery I'd signed the papers stating that the embryo (or 'pregnancy' tissue as they called it) would be sent to a lab for research and later buried in a communal burial. I still think that it was the right choice - claiming it for a private burial would simply have been too heartbreaking. And also, I'm living here temporarily so I wouldn't even know where and how to arrange a funeral.

But I just can't stop thinking about how the baby was removed surgically from inside of me and how it must have died at that moment and how it will be buried and what it looked like... And how I will leave this place but he/she will stay here forever.

This is no doubt the worst thing in all of this. I don't think I'll ever get over this. I feel not only sad but also guilty somehow.

I'm just wondering whether others who have experienced it also have similar thoughts. And how to get over it.

Jakeb1803 · Post by **Jakeb1803** » Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:37 pm

I too suffered the same. I am here to talk if u need to. Might help xx

Kayleigh-ox · Post by **Kayleigh-ox** » Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:23 pm

This all happened to my on the 17th of this month it's heartbreaking they said they will contact me within 12 weeks to arrange a prayer and cremation.. I also think about the moment they took the baby out of my tube and weather it was alive and where they then put it

wish I would have asked

hope your ok

TheaT · Post by **TheaT** » Tue Jan 31, 2017 12:45 pm

Thank you for the replies. And I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences.
I just hope things will get better in time..

xlaurenx · Post by **xlaurenx** » Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:47 pm

Oh my god I never knew any of this and definitely dont remember signing no paper work about this I lost my baby 11 april 2014 was 4 an half months gone when I went through it all I was left so cut up that I couldnt do some kind of burial I wish there was something I could do now as ive never gorten over it every year it comes back to me I hate it I break down crying beinf told I was pregnant then 2 mins later that im losing it just wish I could say goodbye a send off and knew I could do a burial but probably to late to do anything by now