Just want to share my story..

[el-cee]

Hello!

First time poster! Been reading these forums for a while, just found it helped me feel less alone with what I was going through at the time, or reaffirmed how I was feeling, or I just found advice on how to deal with what was happening.

I've been advised that talking more about the experience might help. There isn't really anywhere that I can find that provides specific counselling for this, but the forums seem to help other people so I'll give it a go!

I found out I was pregnant on New Year's Eve. It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I wasn't in a stable relationship, and although it was a surprise, it was something that I wanted. (The man involved did not...and wanted me to have an abortion, which caused me an awful lot of stress, but it's not important to my story. I wanted my baby.)

I began having pain and bleeding basically from the day I took the pregnancy test. I attended an Early Pregnancy Unit and had a scan - couldn't find anything on the can. Blood tests came back and my hcg was at 795. So 48 hours later I went back for repeat bloods and it was up to around 1400.

This happened while I was on a trip to London to visit friends! So after this I travelled home to Ireland and was told to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit at my local hospital. At this point, I was around 7 weeks pregnant.

I had another internal scan and they found it straight away - ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. Immediately, I was being prepped for surgery and it was so scary. The whole thing was a massive shock and then I was being told I had to have surgery. Eventually, the doctor appeared and said my hcg was around 5200 so I could go for the 'medical management' instead. I was then given a dose of the methotrexate and sent home.

The EPU nurses were amazing. Absolute angels. They told me what to look out for in terms of symptoms of rupture, they were so caring and lovely.

I went back in for blood tests every few days...at first my hcg went up...then it started to drop.

About a week passed and I was planning to return to work, then I woke up one morning, went to the toilet, got back into bed and all of a sudden...sharp sharp pains. I was feeling sharp pain and pressure in my rectum and then across my left side. I tried to move and it was very hard. I thought at this point, I'm probably gonna have to go to hospital.

The nurses had drummed it into me that if I felt any pain, was light-headed etc, then I should come to the EPU immediately - as an ectopic pregnancy can rupture and you can faint in minutes. Timing is crucial. I had NO idea how dangerous this could be until I experience it myself! I had NO clue that ectopic pregnancies were so serious.

I got up, nearly passed out in the shower I was so dizzy. Realised at this point I HAD to go. (I live alone so I knew if I passed out,I was in big trouble)

I got a taxi to the hospital and then collapsed in the reception at the EPU. I was given a scan, they found blood clots and a large amount of blood in my abdomen. The methotrexate wasn't enough and the pregnancy had ruptured, my left fallopian tube had burst. Within half an hour of arriving, I was in theatre for emergency surgery. They removed the pregnancy and my left fallopian tube. I had lost about a litre of blood and I was very very lucky I took myself to hospital when I did.

I realise this is a very long post...sorry! But I had no idea how serious this was. I went from feeling totally fine to being on the floor within minutes. It was a scary thing. If you're getting treatment with methotrexate, it's so important to get to hospital if you feel any different at all.

I'm just over four weeks post-surgery now. I'm back at work this week part time and trying to get back to normal. I'm so so tired all the time! I don't know if anyone else found this after recovering from the surgery. I find my energy levels run down very quickly. But I think I'm just trying to do too much too quickly.

I've hardly heard anything from the 'father' - his life carried on as normal. Seemingly he was just relieved that it was over. I feel like I need to talk to him about it to get some closure, but I don't think that's going to happen. I need to work through it on my own, because I lost a baby - he doesn't feel that way. He didn't lose anything. I lost a baby, I lost a Fallopian tube, I have to deal with reduced fertility in the future. I'm really angry at him and I don't want to be. But I feel very let down. I had to go through all of this alone and I shouldn't have had to. I had family and some friends, but it's not the same as having your partner hold your hand and feeling the same loss you feel.

And in the future when I get pregnant - hopefully in a more stable and loving relationship - I have to refer myself to EPU straight away to check it's not ectopic. And it's great to know that service is there and that I'll be looked after. But I feel like there's always gonna be this feeling of dread hanging over me - when I next try for a baby...or see a positive pregnancy test....will I feel overjoyed? Or will I feel nervous until I get the all clear from the scan. And then all I'll feel is relief. I feel like this has taken away any future joy I'll have at first realising the news. Does anybody else feel that way?

I'm only really now starting to get my head round what happened. Before now, it was mostly shock. And trying to recover physically. And it's hard to talk to people about it because I feel uncomfortable. Like people at work asking why I was in hospital....I haven't told anyone. I can't deal with all the prying questions. I've only now started to feel the loss and I don't really know who to talk to about it, or how.

Sorry this has been such a long post.

[Nicwood30]

Hi Hun, it is hard my surgery was 4 weeks ago also. It's a lot to take in and I to don't talk about it with anyone I regularly check on here though, it gives me some comfort. I'm back to work Monday and am dreading being asked lots of questions Xx

[el-cee]

Oh I hope it goes ok for you! Are you doing a phased return? I've been doing half days and that seems to help. Felt myself getting really tired and a bit sore by about midday to begin with. Just make sure you take it easy.

I was dreading going back in just because I had been off for so long. The only people that know the full story are HR. Most people just know I had surgery but they don't know what for.

[Nicwood30]

It's not to bad I'm a home carer I work evenings around 5/6 hours so will just get back to it X

[Nicwood30]

It's great that your work allowed you that, take it as easy as you can x

[EPT Host 20]

Dear el-cee,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
I too found that whilst friends and family were well-meaning they didn't truly understand how I felt, including my partner. He certainly didn't feel the loss of our baby as I did. I too reached out to the Trust and here felt comfort knowing my feelings were normal.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for how ever long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

As you have rightly said, we advise that as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.
It can also be of some comfort to be aware that the chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So thats 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.

We are here for you for as long as you need,
Sending much love,
Karen x


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