Decisions

[Dubnat]

Today I had to make a decision. One of the toughest I've ever had to make. I had to decide how to kill my unborn child, our unborn child. The two options were laid out - methotrexate or surgery to remove my Fallopian tube.

We have been trying for almost two years for a baby, and we were completely overwhelmed to discover that I was pregnant that Sunday afternoon. We tried to stay realistic, not dream, but I got carried away. I was looking up names, choosing prams, figuring out due dates, maternity leave... I was already holding this baby in my mind. I mean, it was a long shot that I was pregnant, what could go wrong?

Everything.

Three days later I had developed pains in my side. I ignored it. It got worse. I remembered Mrs Latham, back in 1998 teaching us about ectopic pregnancy. I could not shake the idea from my mind. So when, by Sunday, a whole week after we had gotten our fantastic news, we went to a & e to just have my fears allayed, I said it out loud - "I'm scared it's ectopic". 5 hours later, my beta hCG had risen nicely from the tests I'd had on Monday, but there was no pregnancy visible in my womb. It was too early, that was all... I told myself, believing. The next day I went for more scans. This time a pregnancy was found. To the left of my left ovary, very much not in my womb. That little 7mm mass had the capacity to kill me. But my instincts said to do all I could to save if.

"What do you mean it can't be put into my womb?" I asked all the doctors. "Are you sure that this is the only pregnancy?". "And there's really nothing else you can do?"... "No, I'm sorry, there's nothing else we can do. Right now, the important thing is to save your life".

So that was their decision, your life for mine. The most unmaternal feeling in the world. You don't exist, you're a dream, a hope, a desire... a mass of rapidly producing cells... but we made you. And we have to give you up, we have to decide which option suits us best to get rid of you.

So tomorrow they will inject me with a drug that will slowly stop you from developing. And I will have my bloods tested every 7 days until the readings are 0, until I am no longer pregnant, until you are dead.

And then? Then, my little one, we remember you, for the 9 days that you were a part of our life, we remember you for the rest of our life.

[EPT Host 20]

Dear Dubnat,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
I believe that so many women, including myself will completely understand how you feel right now. I wish I could take this heartbreak away for you.
Be kind to yourself, allow time to grieve and heal both physically and emotionally.
We are all here for you,
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
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[Dubnat]

Thank you Karen.

It's been quite tough the last few days. Most of the doctors are dealing with this as if it were just a procedure, and it feels like they've missed the fact that I'm losing my baby. I've been left on my own in a room, and I'm only getting information because I keep asking for it...

Is anyone else slightly offended by the feel better memes that say "I am a mother because I carried my baby in my womb?". Does that mean I'm not a mother because mine never made it there?

[EPT Host 20]

Dear Dubnat,
You are a mummy. You have carried and loved your baby and you will also grieve for the loss of your very precious baby.
From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could've done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy.
I too found information wasn't forthcoming. I certainly was treated like I was having a procedure and as the doctors had 'saved my life' they appeared happy. There was very little thought or advice about the fact that I had just lost my baby and I felt so alone.
Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
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[el-cee]

Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's an awful helpless feeling. please don't tell yourself that you had to kill your unborn child. Please don't do that to yourself. I know it's so bleak right now, but there really is nothing you could do. This was not your fault. It's no one's fault.

I broke down sobbing after the methotrexate shot went in. I knew that was when I had to accept the reality of what was happening. Before that, when they couldn't find it in my uterus on the scan...I was hoping on the next scan it would just pop up in the right place. But it didn't.

All I will say is, please take it easy. You're still at risk of it rupturing. Which was what happened to me. I know it's grim, but if you feel any pain or dizziness etc, get yourself to hospital. It's a very dangerous thing. A week after I had the methotrexate, my left tube ruptured, I went from feeling fine to collapsing in minutes. Take time off, rest, make sure someone is around for you just in case.

[El Mc]

Hi Dubnat,

I had been trying for 2 years too. Waiting so long only for it to go wrong just feels cruel. Having to choose how to end a pregnancy is so heartbreaking and confusing and also feels cruel, I just wanted the doctor to say this is what we're going to do.

Please don't think for a second that you're not a mummy, you absolutely are! I had a pregnancy of unknown location so I don't even know where my baby was and never saw it but I know it was there. I prefer the meme "I held you inside me for your whole life, and I will hold you in my heart for the rest of mine"

Rest as much as you can and go easy on yourself xx

[Dubnat]

Thank you all for your words and support. It is a great comfort to know I'm not alone. Its such a scary time. I am home from hospital now, and trying to rest to recover. I read another post about feeling empty, and emotionally I do, but physically I feel full, and dirty, and I just want everything out of my body now. I had the MTX injection last night. Having decided on that course of treatment tuesday afternoon, I had to wait until 5pm last night before the injection had arrived from a hospital 80 miles away because where I was doesn't hold it. That wait was agonising, as i was sat in my room by myself, and left to just cry. I also burst into tears as the shot went in, much to the confusion of the doctor who told me "it shouldn't hurt that much"... he failed to recognise that the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional torture that I'm going through. The nurse actually had to say that to him.

If it weren't for the information and support available from the EPT, I don't think I would have gotten through these last few days. There was virtually no support in the hospital, and I really do feel that there should have been someone to talk to - a counsellor, a chaplain, someone... so thank you to you all for being there. I am sure it will get harder before it gets easier, but that's a journey I am prepared for.

thank you thank you thank you