So here goes 8 years... I had my 1st miscarriage in 2010 which resulted in my loss of twins
I was diagnosed with blighted ovium (10weeks) and had a DNC. The whole situation was terrifying as that was my first pregnancy and not a particularly easy one. Looking back I was in shock and didn't understand the situation at all. My 2nd pregnancy in 2012 again was not easy and I had my daughter prematurely at 32 weeks in 2013. She was born 'perfectly small' aside from a few premature compilations she's the perfect little miracle!
My 3rd pregnancy was in 2014 unfortunately resulting in my 1st eptopic pregnancy
I had my right tube removed. no real big compilations luckily as I caught it early (9weeks) I'm really sensitive and my morning sickness always starts around 4 weeks if not before. I knew something was wrong because I had pain under my shoulder and 'period cramps' not a lot of bleeding only light spotting which I wasn't overly concerned at the time. I felt awful! They told me that the embryo was still alive and growing which was unusual for that stage which made the whole situation worse for me I felt like it's ok I'll carry on until I have a natural miscarriage. Spent probably the best part of an hour arguing my case until the consultant came in and explained it wasn't a typical miscarriage and her duty was to me and keeping me safe and alive. Looking back on it again I was probably in shock on 'auto' pilot. Woke up from Key hole all good no real complications with surgery. My 4th pregnancy was in 2015 again I knew something was wrong I had the exact same symptoms as before only this time I tried to keep it to myself in the hopes I was wrong. I went to hospital at 10weeks found out I had another eptopic pregnancy in the stump of my right tube
I had surgery again to remove what was left of my right tube. Unfortunately I had complications and ruptured in theatre. So I had a cesarean scar. Now this was a very difficult time for my husband and I as you can imagine. I made the choice to have my left tube removed and had the surgery in March 2017. Now before you all think I'm mad ( I am
) I know the chance of me having a lucky escape again are very slim, the chance of me having a full term pregnancy are even slimmer 
I also have a duty to my daughter and my husband and I'm risking my life for a miracle (which I've had).
Looking back I've been through a lot and never really had any real answers as to why it was all happening. I'm also struggling to come to terms with choosing to be infertile at 26!
I feel so angry at the injustice! I take things day by day and some days are better than others. It feels unnatural and I know that all my instincts are natural and it's ok to feel the way I do it's hard It is like grief and im grieving for my fertility and all those that can't be and couldn't be. I wanted to share because I know I'm not the 'norm' and it wasn't 'normal' the way I chose to deal with it. On a brighter note I found religion and am now an open pagen I'm choosing LIFE! And to move on instead of being desperate in a situation I can't change! Probably mostly in my need to have to control a situation I know I can't and face truth and inevitably I hope this brings some light to someone else and know there is light at the end even if it's not the one you expect.
