Hello everyone,
I’m probably an outsider for two different reasons, but the thing we have in common is that I recently experienced an ectopic pregnancy.
First reason is that I’m not from the UK, but since it’s really hard to find a forum about EP’s in my own language, I’m turning to this forum.
Second reason is the main reason why I’m feeling like a complete outsider, and that is because two years ago I had a tubal ligation, but that didn’t prevent me from getting pregnant.
I am struggling very hard with the combination of having had a sterilization, but becoming pregnant anyway, and then to find out my life could be in danger, because it’s ectopic.
I’ve never wanted to be a mother for many different reasons, why is why (after conversations with my husband of course), I decided to have a tubal ligation. Best decision in my life, since I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore concerning birth control.
Things went perfect, until two weeks ago, when my husband brought me to the emergency room.
They did some bloodwork, and because the pain was located in my pelvic area, they sent me to have an echography. There, the doctor discovered two cysts, one on each side of my ovaries, so he thought that the pain came from the cysts, and sent me to the gynaecologist.
Once there, I had another exam (internal now), which again showed the two cysts, some fluid in my belly, but nothing else.
There she told me that my hcg levels were raised, which could only mean one thing => I was pregnant.
But since she couldn’t find anything in my uterus, they suspected an ectopic pregnancy.
I had to stay in the hospital for one night, so they could check my blood again the next morning. If my hcg levels had dropped, my body was taking care of it. If they were raised, they had to do surgery.
Luckily, my body was kind to me, and in the morning my levels had already dropped. Since then, I have to go to hospital every Friday morning, to get my blood checked. They are monitoring me until my hcg levels are zero. (which I’m hoping will be tomorrow).
Words can not describe how I’m feeling since all of this has happened. I was shocked to hear that I was pregnant, despite my tubal ligation (which apparently is very rare), and then again to find out it was ectopic.
In some way, I feel like I am not allowed to grieve the loss of this baby, since I never wanted children in the first place. But I am grieving, and it’s very confusing to say the least.
Despite not wanting a baby, we both felt like parents for a very short while, and although there was nothing I could do about it, I just wanted “it” to be safe.
Emotions have and still are running wild in my mind, and I feel so lost because of it.
Suddenly we are faced again with the decision whether we are still sure that we don’t want kids, because if I don’t have surgery again, there is a possibility that I’ll get pregnant again.
My gynaecologist prescribed me the pill for two months, to see if it helps with the cysts, but also to give us some time to think about all of it before making a decision.
I’m crying almost every night and most of the time I don’t even know why, and I project it on my husband, which is totally unfair to him. Someone told me it’s because of the hormones that are still in my body, and I should give it some time. But I just want to feel like my normal self again…
My apologies for the long post.
I doubt there’s anyone in the same situation as me, but I just wanted to share my story, because after all, it was an ectopic pregnancy.
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Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with it
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Libertyke,
I had my ectopic pregnancy in March of this year. I got pregnant while using an IUD, so I was also using a method that is supposed to be very effective. Although I do hope to be a parent someday, I did not want a child now or anytime soon really. I also loved my IUD for all the reasons you mentioned being happy with your tubal litigation...until it didn't work. I found out I was pregnant about a week before my ectopic was diagnosed. I too went to the ER, they discovered there was blood in my abdomen, and took me in for surgery right away to remove the pregnancy.
That was a horrible week will all of the unexpected and scary news, but recovering emotionally afterwards was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I too wanted so badly to connect with someone whose story was the same as mine. I searched and searched but kept coming across stories of women who were trying to expand their families but then experienced ectopic pregnancy. I felt guilty for wanting to grieve my experience when there were all these other women out there who had lost planned pregnancies. But my story and my journey is mine, it is no one else's.
A medical device failed me and I'm allowed to be angry about that. This failure put my health and the future I was planning in jeopardy, and that's a horrible experience that needs to be grieved. Not only are you allowed to grieve, you deserve to grieve this experience in whatever way and for whatever reason you need in order to move forward.
Its a long road to recovery physically and emotionally no matter what circumstances your ectopic happened under, but you are not alone.
Sending healing thoughts your way,
Dana
I had my ectopic pregnancy in March of this year. I got pregnant while using an IUD, so I was also using a method that is supposed to be very effective. Although I do hope to be a parent someday, I did not want a child now or anytime soon really. I also loved my IUD for all the reasons you mentioned being happy with your tubal litigation...until it didn't work. I found out I was pregnant about a week before my ectopic was diagnosed. I too went to the ER, they discovered there was blood in my abdomen, and took me in for surgery right away to remove the pregnancy.
That was a horrible week will all of the unexpected and scary news, but recovering emotionally afterwards was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I too wanted so badly to connect with someone whose story was the same as mine. I searched and searched but kept coming across stories of women who were trying to expand their families but then experienced ectopic pregnancy. I felt guilty for wanting to grieve my experience when there were all these other women out there who had lost planned pregnancies. But my story and my journey is mine, it is no one else's.
A medical device failed me and I'm allowed to be angry about that. This failure put my health and the future I was planning in jeopardy, and that's a horrible experience that needs to be grieved. Not only are you allowed to grieve, you deserve to grieve this experience in whatever way and for whatever reason you need in order to move forward.
Its a long road to recovery physically and emotionally no matter what circumstances your ectopic happened under, but you are not alone.
Sending healing thoughts your way,
Dana
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Dear Dana,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.
I’m very sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy, and what you had to go through.
There are very few stories about women getting pregnant when they’ve taken precautions like the IUD or tubal ligation, let alone there are stories about them having ectopic pregnancies. And it somehow makes me feel even more isolated, because there’s nobody I can talk to who can truly understand or comprehend how I’m feeling.
I understand your anger towards the failure of your IUD, and was wondering what kind of birth control you are now using?
I’ve tried it all, from the pill, to nuva-ring, IUD,… none of them made me feel comfortable, so tubal ligation was the most logical choice for me.
They do tell women that no kind of birth control is 100% effective, but even in my case they had to admit that they hadn’t seen it before, and that it’s very rare to happen.
In my case, I’m not mad at the doctor or anything, but just frustrated about my body. My mind is so strong about not wanting kids, and then my body “betrays” me by naturally healing my tubes again, resulting in an (ectopic) pregnancy.
There are just so many mixed feelings, that it’s hard to tell when I’m feeling what: anger, sadness, relief, frustration, disappointment, ….
This morning I had my bloodwork done again, and now I’m just waiting for the phone call with the results. I’m hoping my hcg levels will be at zero now, so that I don’t have to visit the hospital again, and then hopefully be able to move forward from all of this.
Thank you again for sharing your story
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.
I’m very sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy, and what you had to go through.
There are very few stories about women getting pregnant when they’ve taken precautions like the IUD or tubal ligation, let alone there are stories about them having ectopic pregnancies. And it somehow makes me feel even more isolated, because there’s nobody I can talk to who can truly understand or comprehend how I’m feeling.
I understand your anger towards the failure of your IUD, and was wondering what kind of birth control you are now using?
I’ve tried it all, from the pill, to nuva-ring, IUD,… none of them made me feel comfortable, so tubal ligation was the most logical choice for me.
They do tell women that no kind of birth control is 100% effective, but even in my case they had to admit that they hadn’t seen it before, and that it’s very rare to happen.
In my case, I’m not mad at the doctor or anything, but just frustrated about my body. My mind is so strong about not wanting kids, and then my body “betrays” me by naturally healing my tubes again, resulting in an (ectopic) pregnancy.
There are just so many mixed feelings, that it’s hard to tell when I’m feeling what: anger, sadness, relief, frustration, disappointment, ….
This morning I had my bloodwork done again, and now I’m just waiting for the phone call with the results. I’m hoping my hcg levels will be at zero now, so that I don’t have to visit the hospital again, and then hopefully be able to move forward from all of this.
Thank you again for sharing your story
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
I was using an IUD because my body never felt great using hormonal birth control. I was really stressed about what to do after the ectopic. My doctor suggested we just use condoms for a few months so I had some time to think about what I wanted to do. I bought a fertility monitor, so now we abstain for the five days or so the monitor tells me to and use condoms otherwise. It's obviously lot more work than the IUD was and that fertile week isn't fun, but it was really important to me to keep using a non hormonal method. It wasn't an easy transition back to using condoms all the time but for now this works for us.
I hope your blood test went well, it's such a relief when those are over!
Dana
I hope your blood test went well, it's such a relief when those are over!
Dana
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
I struggle with hormonal birth control too, although I only discovered that after several years of taking the pill 
Had a copper coil for two years, but that caused problems too, so that's when I started thinking about tubal ligation. They removed the coil during sugery, and I was so happy to have that thing out of me.
Glad to hear you found a way with the condoms, and I understand how stressful it must be. You'ld never think that in a longterm relationship you would ever have to go back to condoms again huh?
As for me, it's disturbing to think about how I could actually get pregnant now, and weird to not know for how long I'm already fertile again. Has my tube just been restored, or for a long time already? I'll guess we'll never know.
I hate that I'll have to use the pill again, and really dreading it, but it's the only way for now, to see if it helps with my cysts. Now that my hormones are settled again (my recent bloodtest showed that everything has normalized again, so that's a relief), I'm 90% sure that I want to have the second operation to have my tubes tied. The 10% is not really doubt, but knowing that I still have two months before I make my decision.
Me and my husband have done lots of talking and are both working to get through this in our own way. It's not easy for either one of us, but I am so blessed that he supports whatever decision I will make.
Had a copper coil for two years, but that caused problems too, so that's when I started thinking about tubal ligation. They removed the coil during sugery, and I was so happy to have that thing out of me.
Glad to hear you found a way with the condoms, and I understand how stressful it must be. You'ld never think that in a longterm relationship you would ever have to go back to condoms again huh?
As for me, it's disturbing to think about how I could actually get pregnant now, and weird to not know for how long I'm already fertile again. Has my tube just been restored, or for a long time already? I'll guess we'll never know.
I hate that I'll have to use the pill again, and really dreading it, but it's the only way for now, to see if it helps with my cysts. Now that my hormones are settled again (my recent bloodtest showed that everything has normalized again, so that's a relief), I'm 90% sure that I want to have the second operation to have my tubes tied. The 10% is not really doubt, but knowing that I still have two months before I make my decision.
Me and my husband have done lots of talking and are both working to get through this in our own way. It's not easy for either one of us, but I am so blessed that he supports whatever decision I will make.
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Libertyke and Dana,
I'm so sorry to hear of what you've both been through and how much you're struggling now. I wanted to reply to your posts as I am in a similar camp.
I had a copper coil which has been a nightmare from beginning to end, ending as you can probably predict for the reason I'm on this forum. I haven't ruled motherhood out (and I'm nearly 37 and time isn't kind when you don't know what you want) but I'm in a very new relationship that's barely established and I certainly wasn't expecting to be told I was pregnant when I got taken to hospital, even more so wasn't expecting what came next, which was near-death - which sounds so over dramatic when I say it, but true nonetheless - and tube removal. I'm almost 4 weeks on now and have only just really started to feel things about it as I was emotionally stunted for a while. Now, I'm all over the place. Angry at the let-down from the coil and falling into the 1% camp that this can happen to, angry that I didn't want to be pregnant and then was and then the choice was removed along with the tissue or foetus or whatever stage it was, and now just a heaving bag of emotions.
I just wanted to say that I don't think it's strange to be feeling the way either of you do. From various advice I've been given from various professionals, aside from the emotional factors we're undoubtedly dealing with, hormones do take a long time to settle down too, and also as it can take a good 6 weeks for the body to heal physically, it's using all it's strength for that so we are bound to feel weaker in other areas. Of course you are allowed to feel loss, even if you didn't want it, it was there and now it's not and you didn't get to make any decisions. It's great that you can speak to your partners about it all and are finding other methods of birth control, albeit not what you wanted to have to do, and I hope they work out for you both. Two days after my surgery I had my coil removed (good riddance) and an implamt placed in my arm which I'm told offers much better protection, even than sterilisation, according to the booklets. I'm yet to find out as sex is off the table for a number of reasons, one being that my partner, although dealing with this himself, is not being at all supportive, to the point where I'm wondering whether his needs will always supersede mine and whether to stay in this or not, as just now I really need him to be at least a friend first. I've tried to talk to him and help him through it too but he gets angry and very unpleasant, and I can't cope with that on top of what's happened really.
Anyway, I didn't actually mean to bang on about myself and my situation, but I can relate to feeling like an 'outsider' here, as so many are dealing with the awful loss when they wanted a family, and we are in a strange boat of not quite knowing how to feel about it all or what to do next.
Libertyke, you can choose to give yourself more time to decide if you feel the pressure is on. Maybe this episode has sparked questions for you that you're not ready to answer yet so please don't feel pushed into a (maybe) permanent position if you have any doubts. You might both arrive at the same no-kids decision eventually but at least you'll have given yourself the chance to work it through first and be really comfortable with your choice, as you can't change the fact that this has happened to you and it's unwittingly brought about the hint of dilemma which was never there before.
I'm crying all the time now too and I can't pinpoint why, and feel a bit pathetic, as I feel wrong about feeling sad, but rationally I know that this was a loss, even if I was also relieved, and a million other emotions.
Anyway, I hope just commenting helps to know you're not the only ones feeling the way you do. I think it helps to keep talking about it out loud - obviously to your partners but also to friends who might understand your conflict. I've been seeing a counsellor for a few years now anyway which has been an extra help in this, I would definitely recommend that if you can find the right person you gel with to spill to.
Good luck to you both with everything, and feel free to get in touch in you feel like a chat at any point.
Chloe
I'm so sorry to hear of what you've both been through and how much you're struggling now. I wanted to reply to your posts as I am in a similar camp.
I had a copper coil which has been a nightmare from beginning to end, ending as you can probably predict for the reason I'm on this forum. I haven't ruled motherhood out (and I'm nearly 37 and time isn't kind when you don't know what you want) but I'm in a very new relationship that's barely established and I certainly wasn't expecting to be told I was pregnant when I got taken to hospital, even more so wasn't expecting what came next, which was near-death - which sounds so over dramatic when I say it, but true nonetheless - and tube removal. I'm almost 4 weeks on now and have only just really started to feel things about it as I was emotionally stunted for a while. Now, I'm all over the place. Angry at the let-down from the coil and falling into the 1% camp that this can happen to, angry that I didn't want to be pregnant and then was and then the choice was removed along with the tissue or foetus or whatever stage it was, and now just a heaving bag of emotions.
I just wanted to say that I don't think it's strange to be feeling the way either of you do. From various advice I've been given from various professionals, aside from the emotional factors we're undoubtedly dealing with, hormones do take a long time to settle down too, and also as it can take a good 6 weeks for the body to heal physically, it's using all it's strength for that so we are bound to feel weaker in other areas. Of course you are allowed to feel loss, even if you didn't want it, it was there and now it's not and you didn't get to make any decisions. It's great that you can speak to your partners about it all and are finding other methods of birth control, albeit not what you wanted to have to do, and I hope they work out for you both. Two days after my surgery I had my coil removed (good riddance) and an implamt placed in my arm which I'm told offers much better protection, even than sterilisation, according to the booklets. I'm yet to find out as sex is off the table for a number of reasons, one being that my partner, although dealing with this himself, is not being at all supportive, to the point where I'm wondering whether his needs will always supersede mine and whether to stay in this or not, as just now I really need him to be at least a friend first. I've tried to talk to him and help him through it too but he gets angry and very unpleasant, and I can't cope with that on top of what's happened really.
Anyway, I didn't actually mean to bang on about myself and my situation, but I can relate to feeling like an 'outsider' here, as so many are dealing with the awful loss when they wanted a family, and we are in a strange boat of not quite knowing how to feel about it all or what to do next.
Libertyke, you can choose to give yourself more time to decide if you feel the pressure is on. Maybe this episode has sparked questions for you that you're not ready to answer yet so please don't feel pushed into a (maybe) permanent position if you have any doubts. You might both arrive at the same no-kids decision eventually but at least you'll have given yourself the chance to work it through first and be really comfortable with your choice, as you can't change the fact that this has happened to you and it's unwittingly brought about the hint of dilemma which was never there before.
I'm crying all the time now too and I can't pinpoint why, and feel a bit pathetic, as I feel wrong about feeling sad, but rationally I know that this was a loss, even if I was also relieved, and a million other emotions.
Anyway, I hope just commenting helps to know you're not the only ones feeling the way you do. I think it helps to keep talking about it out loud - obviously to your partners but also to friends who might understand your conflict. I've been seeing a counsellor for a few years now anyway which has been an extra help in this, I would definitely recommend that if you can find the right person you gel with to spill to.
Good luck to you both with everything, and feel free to get in touch in you feel like a chat at any point.
Chloe
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Chloe,
I'm sorry to hear about all that you're going through, but thanks for sharing. It's unfortunate that we have this common bond but its nice to hear from others in a similar position. I also saw a counselor for a while afterwards and that was very helpful. She thought that I probably was suffering from a little postpartum depression, which was strange to hear but I guess makes sense.
Immediately afterwards, I was convinced that I would just be constantly teary-eyed from here on out, but over time I started having more good days than bad, and now the bad ones are few and far between. It does still happen though, often for seemingly no reason. I think the most helpful thing for me has been this forum. Its so comforting to be able to talk with others who get it! My boyfriend is supportive, but we each experienced this whole thing so differently sometimes we don't always completely understand how the other one feels or what they need. It's hard because our relationship is different after all of this. Not necessarily better or worse, just different, and sometimes we still struggle with that.
Libertyke, I'm glad your test came back normal and I hope these two months of birth control aren't too bad for you. I hate feeling like there are no good options that keep me healthy and fit into my lifestyle but I try to remember that this is my new "normal" and I need to protect myself under these new circumstances.
Hope you both have a great day
Dana
I'm sorry to hear about all that you're going through, but thanks for sharing. It's unfortunate that we have this common bond but its nice to hear from others in a similar position. I also saw a counselor for a while afterwards and that was very helpful. She thought that I probably was suffering from a little postpartum depression, which was strange to hear but I guess makes sense.
Immediately afterwards, I was convinced that I would just be constantly teary-eyed from here on out, but over time I started having more good days than bad, and now the bad ones are few and far between. It does still happen though, often for seemingly no reason. I think the most helpful thing for me has been this forum. Its so comforting to be able to talk with others who get it! My boyfriend is supportive, but we each experienced this whole thing so differently sometimes we don't always completely understand how the other one feels or what they need. It's hard because our relationship is different after all of this. Not necessarily better or worse, just different, and sometimes we still struggle with that.
Libertyke, I'm glad your test came back normal and I hope these two months of birth control aren't too bad for you. I hate feeling like there are no good options that keep me healthy and fit into my lifestyle but I try to remember that this is my new "normal" and I need to protect myself under these new circumstances.
Hope you both have a great day
Dana
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
sorry it took me some time to respond, but I've been feeling really down lately, and wasn't up to reading anything about it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, and it's strange to say, but I'm relieved to hear your story. But then again, I'm really sorry it happened to you Chloe.
Your advice about maybe taking some more time to think everything true is coming at a perfect timing, because in fact, I have no idea what I want anymore.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster, and just when I think I'm fine, I'm overwhelmed with everything the next moment. My husband supports me, but I know I'm not making it easy for him, with all my changes in how I'm acting. One minute I'm happy, to other moment I'm crying my eyes out and I don't even know why....
This afternoon, me and my husband were talking about "what if we changed our minds, and do want a kid". It's hard to talk about, without giving him any false hope (he admitted that he felt ready to be a father, once he learned that I was fertile. However, he supports me either way, whether I decide to get my tubes tied again, or if we would try to have a baby).
Truth is, at this moment I have absolutely no idea anymore about what I want, and it's really hard to deal with that. It makes me insecure, like I have lost some part of myself in this whole experience.
But I also know that I still have time to decide. I still got those two months, and even then, I can still feel free to take more time to think about my final decision. So thank you for reminding me of that!
The past days, I've been thinking about seeing some professional to talk about this too. In the past two years I've had a lot to deal with, and somehow managed to get through it on my own, but somehow I feel like this has turned my world upside down, and I need help to get to how I was before.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer and share your story.
Hope things work out between you and your partner
Big hug to the both of you
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, and it's strange to say, but I'm relieved to hear your story. But then again, I'm really sorry it happened to you Chloe.
Your advice about maybe taking some more time to think everything true is coming at a perfect timing, because in fact, I have no idea what I want anymore.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster, and just when I think I'm fine, I'm overwhelmed with everything the next moment. My husband supports me, but I know I'm not making it easy for him, with all my changes in how I'm acting. One minute I'm happy, to other moment I'm crying my eyes out and I don't even know why....
This afternoon, me and my husband were talking about "what if we changed our minds, and do want a kid". It's hard to talk about, without giving him any false hope (he admitted that he felt ready to be a father, once he learned that I was fertile. However, he supports me either way, whether I decide to get my tubes tied again, or if we would try to have a baby).
Truth is, at this moment I have absolutely no idea anymore about what I want, and it's really hard to deal with that. It makes me insecure, like I have lost some part of myself in this whole experience.
But I also know that I still have time to decide. I still got those two months, and even then, I can still feel free to take more time to think about my final decision. So thank you for reminding me of that!
The past days, I've been thinking about seeing some professional to talk about this too. In the past two years I've had a lot to deal with, and somehow managed to get through it on my own, but somehow I feel like this has turned my world upside down, and I need help to get to how I was before.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer and share your story.
Hope things work out between you and your partner
Big hug to the both of you
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi ladies,
I'm not sure if either of you are still active on here but I thought it would be worth a shot
It seems like when I start to move forward from this something always pulls me back.
This might be TMI...but I really need some advice about making sex fun again.
Ever since my surgery, sex has been difficult. My boyfriend is less interested and has told me it doesn't feel as good as it used to. I've always thought it was because we're using condoms now when we weren't before and it's just hard to get used to that. Probably about half of the time sex just ends with him asking to stop because he's tired or it doesn't feel good. This leaves both of us frustrated, and there are usually tears involved.
Last night he told me that really sometimes he just can't stop thinking about everything that happened when we are intimate. Obviously that would make it difficult to get in the mood, and I feel really bad that I didn't know until yesterday that all these times he seemed frustrated with me he was really just sad. He thinks "time heals all wounds", but I just don't believe that. It has been almost 6 months and I really want us to be able to enjoy each other again without the stress of wondering if each encounter is going to end in tears or not.
I guess I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I just don't know how to help him through this and I don't think the problem is going to go away on its own.
I'm not sure if either of you are still active on here but I thought it would be worth a shot
It seems like when I start to move forward from this something always pulls me back.
This might be TMI...but I really need some advice about making sex fun again.
Ever since my surgery, sex has been difficult. My boyfriend is less interested and has told me it doesn't feel as good as it used to. I've always thought it was because we're using condoms now when we weren't before and it's just hard to get used to that. Probably about half of the time sex just ends with him asking to stop because he's tired or it doesn't feel good. This leaves both of us frustrated, and there are usually tears involved.Last night he told me that really sometimes he just can't stop thinking about everything that happened when we are intimate. Obviously that would make it difficult to get in the mood, and I feel really bad that I didn't know until yesterday that all these times he seemed frustrated with me he was really just sad. He thinks "time heals all wounds", but I just don't believe that. It has been almost 6 months and I really want us to be able to enjoy each other again without the stress of wondering if each encounter is going to end in tears or not.
I guess I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I just don't know how to help him through this and I don't think the problem is going to go away on its own.
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi dlm!
Sorry it took me a while to answer your post, but it's been pretty busy over here lately...
I'm really sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are going through this. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and it truly sucks if things are difficult in that department.
Since you only discovered recently that he is sad about it, has it helped to talk to him about it? Maybe this is a far stretch, but does he in any way feel guilty about your ectopic pregnancy? I know my husband once asked me if I blamed him for it, which of course is stupid to think, but it did cross his mind, so I had to help him with that.
If you can't talk to him about it, ask him if he's willing to talk to a professional about it, because this needs to be addressed....
It can have such a deep impact on someone, which we sometimes don't really understand, but that's why you need to keep talking to each other.
This whole ectopic pregnancy had really rocked my world, and now I'm even re-considering my child-free lifestyle.
I hope you guys can work it out and leave it behind you. If you need to talk, I'll check now and then if you posted anything!
Big hugs to you!!
Sorry it took me a while to answer your post, but it's been pretty busy over here lately...
I'm really sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are going through this. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and it truly sucks if things are difficult in that department.
Since you only discovered recently that he is sad about it, has it helped to talk to him about it? Maybe this is a far stretch, but does he in any way feel guilty about your ectopic pregnancy? I know my husband once asked me if I blamed him for it, which of course is stupid to think, but it did cross his mind, so I had to help him with that.
If you can't talk to him about it, ask him if he's willing to talk to a professional about it, because this needs to be addressed....
It can have such a deep impact on someone, which we sometimes don't really understand, but that's why you need to keep talking to each other.
This whole ectopic pregnancy had really rocked my world, and now I'm even re-considering my child-free lifestyle.
I hope you guys can work it out and leave it behind you. If you need to talk, I'll check now and then if you posted anything!
Big hugs to you!!
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Thanks so much for the reply.
No, we haven't talked about it since. This happened the day before he left on a camping trip with his dad and won't be home until tomorrow. That was both good and bad timing, I think. Yes, he has mentioned countless times that he feels guilty. Of course he shouldn't feel any guilt and I've told him that but some of those feelings are probably still there.
He sees a counselor regularly, he did before the pregnancy and has continued to do so after. His job is very emotionally draining, that's the main reason he goes, and I'm not sure how much they discuss this, but I probably should try to encourage him to talk about some personal issues there as well. I wish that the men's section of these forums was more active, I think he would find that beneficial.
Thanks again for the reply. Even just putting things down in writing really helps. Hope you are doing well
Dana
No, we haven't talked about it since. This happened the day before he left on a camping trip with his dad and won't be home until tomorrow. That was both good and bad timing, I think. Yes, he has mentioned countless times that he feels guilty. Of course he shouldn't feel any guilt and I've told him that but some of those feelings are probably still there.
He sees a counselor regularly, he did before the pregnancy and has continued to do so after. His job is very emotionally draining, that's the main reason he goes, and I'm not sure how much they discuss this, but I probably should try to encourage him to talk about some personal issues there as well. I wish that the men's section of these forums was more active, I think he would find that beneficial.
Thanks again for the reply. Even just putting things down in writing really helps. Hope you are doing well
Dana
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi there,
It's been quite a relief to see this topic and to see people experiencing similar emotions to me (I really did start to think I was the only one), so thank you for that! Slightly different story to what I've been reading but the same kind of emotions. I have had the implant and the combined pill in the past however, due to my body reacting horribly towards the artificial hormones, I opted for just condoms for a while, whilst I found out more information about the non-hormonal copper coil and other contraceptives. In that time, my partner and I experienced an unfortunate condom split, so I took the ellaOne morning after pill, and took a pregnancy test around 4 weeks later (29th August) to just double check. To my horror, it was positive, despite taking all the precautions I could from my end.
I was just at a total loss at what I wanted to do. I'm still at university, about to enter my final year and my partner has only just started his training for the field of work he wants to pursue. So, I felt strongly that it just was not the right time for us to have a baby. I booked a consultation to discuss termination options, but within the same week of finding out, I started bleeding and cramping. So I had an ultrasound done and a trans-vaginal examination to see what was going on (the unknown has been perhaps the scariest part of this experience.) The doctors feared it was a miscarriage, and suddenly my feelings changed. I felt grief, knowing my body was passing the pregnancy and I couldn't do anything about it to save the baby. But what I found the most confusing was I was going to instigate a miscarriage anyway through having a termination so I was asking myself: what right do I have to be upset over this when I didn't seem to want the baby anyway? But an overwhelming sense of loss came over me and I started to question whether I was allowed to grieve.
Just a few days after this news, and many blood tests later, the doctors confirmed that it was now an ectopic pregnancy. I have since had the medical treatment and I'm currently having continuous blood tests to make sure my HCG levels are going down to the point where the doctors are satisfied that I'm no longer pregnant. So, mentally, I've become confused as to what I should feel, considering my circumstances. I feel grief because it's a loss, it was my baby and there was literally nothing I could do to save it even if I wanted to. And a part of me did when I was told it was possibly a miscarriage. Yet at the same time, I feel undeserving of feeling grief because I would have pursued the termination route if the pregnancy had developed normally. Even though that would have proved difficult for me to do too, all of these emotions are just so new and raw, I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't mean for any of this to come across as insensitive to anybody.
I've had a great support network from my partner, family and friends but it's been helpful to just type out my situation on this forum where other women can maybe relate to my experience directly. I hope this experience helps someone else to know they are not alone!
It's been quite a relief to see this topic and to see people experiencing similar emotions to me (I really did start to think I was the only one), so thank you for that! Slightly different story to what I've been reading but the same kind of emotions. I have had the implant and the combined pill in the past however, due to my body reacting horribly towards the artificial hormones, I opted for just condoms for a while, whilst I found out more information about the non-hormonal copper coil and other contraceptives. In that time, my partner and I experienced an unfortunate condom split, so I took the ellaOne morning after pill, and took a pregnancy test around 4 weeks later (29th August) to just double check. To my horror, it was positive, despite taking all the precautions I could from my end.
I was just at a total loss at what I wanted to do. I'm still at university, about to enter my final year and my partner has only just started his training for the field of work he wants to pursue. So, I felt strongly that it just was not the right time for us to have a baby. I booked a consultation to discuss termination options, but within the same week of finding out, I started bleeding and cramping. So I had an ultrasound done and a trans-vaginal examination to see what was going on (the unknown has been perhaps the scariest part of this experience.) The doctors feared it was a miscarriage, and suddenly my feelings changed. I felt grief, knowing my body was passing the pregnancy and I couldn't do anything about it to save the baby. But what I found the most confusing was I was going to instigate a miscarriage anyway through having a termination so I was asking myself: what right do I have to be upset over this when I didn't seem to want the baby anyway? But an overwhelming sense of loss came over me and I started to question whether I was allowed to grieve.
Just a few days after this news, and many blood tests later, the doctors confirmed that it was now an ectopic pregnancy. I have since had the medical treatment and I'm currently having continuous blood tests to make sure my HCG levels are going down to the point where the doctors are satisfied that I'm no longer pregnant. So, mentally, I've become confused as to what I should feel, considering my circumstances. I feel grief because it's a loss, it was my baby and there was literally nothing I could do to save it even if I wanted to. And a part of me did when I was told it was possibly a miscarriage. Yet at the same time, I feel undeserving of feeling grief because I would have pursued the termination route if the pregnancy had developed normally. Even though that would have proved difficult for me to do too, all of these emotions are just so new and raw, I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't mean for any of this to come across as insensitive to anybody.
I've had a great support network from my partner, family and friends but it's been helpful to just type out my situation on this forum where other women can maybe relate to my experience directly. I hope this experience helps someone else to know they are not alone!
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Dana
Hi Dana,
Glad to see you saw my reply!
Maybe the camping trip will help him, if he is able to talk to his dad about it?
The guilt is something strange, because there’s nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. Not the man, and not us either. So I hope he realizes that soon…
I’m glad to hear he is seeing a counselor, but I do think it’s a good idea to ask him if he talks about personal stuff too. Does he have friends he can talk to?
It’s true, that just writing stuff down helps, so I’m glad it’s working for you too
Hope you and your boyfriend will have a great time seeing each other again after his camping trip, and I hope that maybe some things have changed in the way he thinks about the guilt and the sex…
Hi Dana,
Glad to see you saw my reply!
Maybe the camping trip will help him, if he is able to talk to his dad about it?
The guilt is something strange, because there’s nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. Not the man, and not us either. So I hope he realizes that soon…
I’m glad to hear he is seeing a counselor, but I do think it’s a good idea to ask him if he talks about personal stuff too. Does he have friends he can talk to?
It’s true, that just writing stuff down helps, so I’m glad it’s working for you too
Hope you and your boyfriend will have a great time seeing each other again after his camping trip, and I hope that maybe some things have changed in the way he thinks about the guilt and the sex…
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Hayles,
Thank you for sharing your story too!
I’m really sorry you had to experience all of this, and I know how frustrating it is to feel alone with all of these emotions that come along with it.
I had always said that if I would ever get pregnant, despite all the precautions I was taking, I would have an abortion. And I still said it, after discovering my ectopic pregnancy. I just wasn’t ready for it, hence all the precautions taken to prevent this from ever happening!
Despite that, as you read my story, I still felt grief about losing this baby that I didn’t even want in the first place.
The thing I have learned from this, is that everyone is entitled to grieve, because it is what we feel. The grief is an emotion we are experiencing, and nobody had the right to take that away from us. We can’t stop feeling emotions, so we have to let them in, and find a way to handle them. Don’t feel guilty about it, please.
For me, it’s like some switch went on in my head, and I felt stupid for wanting my baby to be safe, even though it wasn’t going to be. I just wanted it to have a good and safe place during the small time it was there. I talked to it while I was in the process of waiting for my hcg levels to go down again.
And when they were finally down to zero, I felt so lost… I knew it was gone, but somehow wanted it to have lasted a little bit longer.
To me, you don’t come across as insensitive, because I know exactly what you’re going through, and have felt the same way. But I know that there are people who wouldn’t understand.
I think if you would research stories about women getting abortions, you would find that most of them grieved.
It’s great to know that you have a great support network, as that helps a lot in processing everything, but it’s some sort of relief to know that there are other women out there, who have been feeling the same way as you. So please, don’t feel guilty about your grief.
Big hugs to you
Thank you for sharing your story too!
I’m really sorry you had to experience all of this, and I know how frustrating it is to feel alone with all of these emotions that come along with it.
I had always said that if I would ever get pregnant, despite all the precautions I was taking, I would have an abortion. And I still said it, after discovering my ectopic pregnancy. I just wasn’t ready for it, hence all the precautions taken to prevent this from ever happening!
Despite that, as you read my story, I still felt grief about losing this baby that I didn’t even want in the first place.
The thing I have learned from this, is that everyone is entitled to grieve, because it is what we feel. The grief is an emotion we are experiencing, and nobody had the right to take that away from us. We can’t stop feeling emotions, so we have to let them in, and find a way to handle them. Don’t feel guilty about it, please.
For me, it’s like some switch went on in my head, and I felt stupid for wanting my baby to be safe, even though it wasn’t going to be. I just wanted it to have a good and safe place during the small time it was there. I talked to it while I was in the process of waiting for my hcg levels to go down again.
And when they were finally down to zero, I felt so lost… I knew it was gone, but somehow wanted it to have lasted a little bit longer.
To me, you don’t come across as insensitive, because I know exactly what you’re going through, and have felt the same way. But I know that there are people who wouldn’t understand.
I think if you would research stories about women getting abortions, you would find that most of them grieved.
It’s great to know that you have a great support network, as that helps a lot in processing everything, but it’s some sort of relief to know that there are other women out there, who have been feeling the same way as you. So please, don’t feel guilty about your grief.
Big hugs to you
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Libertyke,
Thank you for those kind words. I'm very glad to have found this forum to be open about my own experiences and listen to other people's stories. You're right, nobody has the right to take that feeling of grief away from us. This experience will always be a part of me now and I'll always wonder who my baby would have become, regardless of my initial feelings towards wanting an abortion. Knowing I didn't have a choice over what happened to it, that's what has hit me the most.
I always thought I would want to be in my late 20s/30s when I had my first child but as I've learnt, life throws unexpected situations at you and plans like that go out the window, as I now feel my perspective on that has changed. I hope that if I'm ever in this situation again, of an unplanned pregnancy, and it's instead a healthy pregnancy, that I'm in a better place so that I could keep it as I don't want to go through this emotional rollercoaster again. Whether that be a year down the road or 5, I feel determined to make sure my next pregnancy is a happy and joyous occasion. That's the other thing that's hit me hard, having these expectations that my first pregnancy would be a happy and joyous milestone to reach but I haven't been able to feel any of those emotions.
Big hugs to you too!
Thank you for those kind words. I'm very glad to have found this forum to be open about my own experiences and listen to other people's stories. You're right, nobody has the right to take that feeling of grief away from us. This experience will always be a part of me now and I'll always wonder who my baby would have become, regardless of my initial feelings towards wanting an abortion. Knowing I didn't have a choice over what happened to it, that's what has hit me the most.
I always thought I would want to be in my late 20s/30s when I had my first child but as I've learnt, life throws unexpected situations at you and plans like that go out the window, as I now feel my perspective on that has changed. I hope that if I'm ever in this situation again, of an unplanned pregnancy, and it's instead a healthy pregnancy, that I'm in a better place so that I could keep it as I don't want to go through this emotional rollercoaster again. Whether that be a year down the road or 5, I feel determined to make sure my next pregnancy is a happy and joyous occasion. That's the other thing that's hit me hard, having these expectations that my first pregnancy would be a happy and joyous milestone to reach but I haven't been able to feel any of those emotions.
Big hugs to you too!
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Thanks, Libertyke, I know we will figure it out, I think it just freaked me out that he kept that to himself for so long, and then went away without us being able to talk about it. He comes home tonight and I'm excited 
Hayles, thank you for sharing your story with us. It is strangely comforting to know there are other people out there who can relate to you. I was planning on termination, I even had it scheduled, but the ectopic was diagnosed about a week before my appointment. That definitely added another layer of confusion for me about how I was feeling. Being kind enough to myself to accept all of my emotions as valid was a huge breakthrough for me as I was recovering, and I hope you'll be kind enough to yourself to do the same.
I have also put some thought in to what I would do if I was in this situation again, and I don't think I would chose termination again. I still think termination would have been the right choice this time around, but I am a different person now than I was then. I have had the EXACT same thought about how unfair it is that my first pregnancy wasn't a happy occasion. Hopefully the next pregnancy is planned and healthy, but even if it is another surprise, I know I'll be more prepared for a baby than I ever would have been without this experience, and that is such a blessing to me and that potential future baby. For me, if there is any silver lining to all of this, that is it.
The emotional roller coaster has mostly settled down for me, but this week was unexpectedly bad. Thank you both for being here with your stories and kind words
Dana
Hayles, thank you for sharing your story with us. It is strangely comforting to know there are other people out there who can relate to you. I was planning on termination, I even had it scheduled, but the ectopic was diagnosed about a week before my appointment. That definitely added another layer of confusion for me about how I was feeling. Being kind enough to myself to accept all of my emotions as valid was a huge breakthrough for me as I was recovering, and I hope you'll be kind enough to yourself to do the same.
I have also put some thought in to what I would do if I was in this situation again, and I don't think I would chose termination again. I still think termination would have been the right choice this time around, but I am a different person now than I was then. I have had the EXACT same thought about how unfair it is that my first pregnancy wasn't a happy occasion. Hopefully the next pregnancy is planned and healthy, but even if it is another surprise, I know I'll be more prepared for a baby than I ever would have been without this experience, and that is such a blessing to me and that potential future baby. For me, if there is any silver lining to all of this, that is it.
The emotional roller coaster has mostly settled down for me, but this week was unexpectedly bad. Thank you both for being here with your stories and kind words
Dana
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Dana,
That really is a lovely silver lining, I will carry that thought with me too as I continue to process all of this. I also thought about getting a tattoo, not that I need a reminder, I will always remember this experience regardless but I wanted to get something like that done. No real idea of what I want to get yet, but I thought about a jigsaw puzzle piece to symbolise a part of my life I wasn't ready for but equally, a piece of my life I really wanted back, now I know the outcome, but I won't get to meet them.
Hayley
That really is a lovely silver lining, I will carry that thought with me too as I continue to process all of this. I also thought about getting a tattoo, not that I need a reminder, I will always remember this experience regardless but I wanted to get something like that done. No real idea of what I want to get yet, but I thought about a jigsaw puzzle piece to symbolise a part of my life I wasn't ready for but equally, a piece of my life I really wanted back, now I know the outcome, but I won't get to meet them.
Hayley
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
I love the puzzle piece idea, I think that is really sweet. I got a tattoo a couple months ago, it is an arrow with a heartbeat in the middle of it. The whole process was very therapeutic for me. I hope you are both doing well and have a great day
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi Dana & Hayley,
Getting a tattoo is a wonderful idea, and my husband was thinking about it too, just not sure when he’ll do it, if he’ll even go through with it
I’m not a fan of needles, so that’s not an option for me.
We did however take a picture of us together in our garden, two days after we found out we were pregnant, so it’s actually the three of us in the photo. The photo is now in a small frame in our living room, and when I’m up for it, I’ll add his name too.
It may sound strange that we named the baby, because we can only guess what gender it would have been, but it felt important to us.
I’m not doing so great at the moment, and I’m thinking that everything that is causing that, is related to the pill I’m taking now. I’m really not good with these artificial hormones….
I had a very scary moment two days ago, where I ended up in tears at work, and had to call my doctor to calm me down.
Turned out that I had experienced something called a “decidual cast” (please don’t google if you’re faint hearted…). It could have been caused by the high levels of hormones I was suddenly having, or because of the ectopic pregnancy, either way, it was a very scary thing and hope that it never happens again
My back is killing me too, and I’m just hoping that the next month will fly by, so that I can stop taking the pill. And hopefully it helped with the cysts!
My mind is all over the place about the decision if I do want to try to have a baby, or get a second surgery done to have my tubes tied again.
Next Monday I’m seeing a psychologist (not just for this experience, also for other things), and I’m hoping it will help me see things clearer or better or whatever.
Wishing you both a lovely day and hope you’re doing better than me at the moment
Getting a tattoo is a wonderful idea, and my husband was thinking about it too, just not sure when he’ll do it, if he’ll even go through with it
I’m not a fan of needles, so that’s not an option for me.
We did however take a picture of us together in our garden, two days after we found out we were pregnant, so it’s actually the three of us in the photo. The photo is now in a small frame in our living room, and when I’m up for it, I’ll add his name too.
It may sound strange that we named the baby, because we can only guess what gender it would have been, but it felt important to us.
I’m not doing so great at the moment, and I’m thinking that everything that is causing that, is related to the pill I’m taking now. I’m really not good with these artificial hormones….
I had a very scary moment two days ago, where I ended up in tears at work, and had to call my doctor to calm me down.
Turned out that I had experienced something called a “decidual cast” (please don’t google if you’re faint hearted…). It could have been caused by the high levels of hormones I was suddenly having, or because of the ectopic pregnancy, either way, it was a very scary thing and hope that it never happens again
My back is killing me too, and I’m just hoping that the next month will fly by, so that I can stop taking the pill. And hopefully it helped with the cysts!
My mind is all over the place about the decision if I do want to try to have a baby, or get a second surgery done to have my tubes tied again.
Next Monday I’m seeing a psychologist (not just for this experience, also for other things), and I’m hoping it will help me see things clearer or better or whatever.
Wishing you both a lovely day and hope you’re doing better than me at the moment
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Libertyke, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much again. What a special photo for you to have, that is wonderful. Wow, out of curiosity I had to google decidual cast. So sorry you had to experience that, I can't imagine how scary that was. Thank you for sharing though...I think it is so important to be aware for all of us to be aware of the things our bodies can do!
Hopefully this month does go by fast. Is the birth control supposed to shrink or get rid of the cysts? It is so stressful to have to undergo treatments with undesirable side effects, and I hope you get to move on to something that works better for you soon. I would imagine that being on the pill and feeling so bad physically is making it even harder for you to understand your feelings and make a long term decision.
Hopefully you'll be off the pill soon and I think maybe you should give yourself some time afterwards to recover from all of that and get yourself feeling better physically. Then it may be easier for you to decide what you want to do.
I think that's great you're going to a psychologist. I went for a little bit right after my surgery, but have been thinking lately that maybe I should start up again. Do you think it's possible that my body didn't totally get the message that I'm not pregnant any more? Recently I've found myself completely in "nesting mode", organizing and fixing up the house. I have one room totally cleared out and I find myself daydreaming about what it would look like as a nursery. My would-have-been due date is coming up at the end of November and I'm feeling a bit anxious about what that day is going to be like for me. Better to start dealing with it now rather than waiting for the day to come, probably.
Also, a bit of an update from my boyfriend. He went to see his therapist last night and they discussed his feelings of guilt about the whole thing. They talked about how sex is probably hard because he is subconsciously trying to protect us from having to go through this experience again. That thought had never crossed our minds until last night, but it does make a lot of sense I think. It is a relief to have more of an understanding about why we are struggling and a plan to help us move forward.
Hope you both have a great day and are taking good care of yourselves <3
Hopefully this month does go by fast. Is the birth control supposed to shrink or get rid of the cysts? It is so stressful to have to undergo treatments with undesirable side effects, and I hope you get to move on to something that works better for you soon. I would imagine that being on the pill and feeling so bad physically is making it even harder for you to understand your feelings and make a long term decision.
Hopefully you'll be off the pill soon and I think maybe you should give yourself some time afterwards to recover from all of that and get yourself feeling better physically. Then it may be easier for you to decide what you want to do.
I think that's great you're going to a psychologist. I went for a little bit right after my surgery, but have been thinking lately that maybe I should start up again. Do you think it's possible that my body didn't totally get the message that I'm not pregnant any more? Recently I've found myself completely in "nesting mode", organizing and fixing up the house. I have one room totally cleared out and I find myself daydreaming about what it would look like as a nursery. My would-have-been due date is coming up at the end of November and I'm feeling a bit anxious about what that day is going to be like for me. Better to start dealing with it now rather than waiting for the day to come, probably.
Also, a bit of an update from my boyfriend. He went to see his therapist last night and they discussed his feelings of guilt about the whole thing. They talked about how sex is probably hard because he is subconsciously trying to protect us from having to go through this experience again. That thought had never crossed our minds until last night, but it does make a lot of sense I think. It is a relief to have more of an understanding about why we are struggling and a plan to help us move forward.
Hope you both have a great day and are taking good care of yourselves <3
