Hello,
sorry I'm a bit late with responding!
I'm happy to say that I'm doing better now, and seeing a psychologist is a big help, even though I've only been one time. She was really understanding, and after an hour of talking about the last year and a half (lots of emotional stuff happened), she pointed out some things that we could work on, and I'm looking forward to that, because I had never thought about some things prior to that conversation.
Next monday I have my second appointment!
Yes, the decidual cast was quite the scare, and I hope this was a one-time-thing. Dreading the moment I'll have my stopweek, because I'll be scared of what will happen then.
The birth control is intended to either shrink or totally get rid of the cysts. I'm not sure if it's doing its job, since I still have occasional pains in that area. Mid-october, I have an appointment with my gynaecologist, so then I'll know if it helped or not.
For me, that will be a very important appointment, since I want to know how fertile I am at this moment, and how much of a chance there is for a normal pregnancy, if I leave everything the way it is now. More and more I'm leaning towards having a baby, despite my tubal ligation, but only under certain circumstances. Everything has to happen in the natural way, and only if it's not a risk for myself.
If the gynaecologists tells me I can get pregnant the natural way, without any extra surgery or medication, or whatever, then I think we'll take the plunge and see what happens next.
I can not relate to the nesting thing, but I did found out, that although the hormones were gone "on paper" (according to the blood tests), I still felt like they were affecting me.
The birth control is causing me to have no sex-drive at all, which is frustrating for my husband, but he understands that it is only temporarily. Just a little more longer, and we'll be back to our normal self I hope.
It's good to hear that your boyfriend is talking about it!!
It's strange how we can sometimes have certain thoughts, but not know why we are having them, until someone on the outside gives us some insight.
Hope you are both doing well and I will keep an eye on this forum in case you post again.
Have a lovely day!!
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Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with it
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hi everyone,
Just an update from me since I last posted on this thread! I have since finished University, on track to finish in the top grade so I'm thrilled with that! I'm still with the same partner and have recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. A lot of joy and optimism, and a lot to look forward to in the future. So that's just a little reminder to anybody else going through this that it can and will get better. <3
In regards to how I feel about my ectopic pregnancy, it is still a weird feeling, especially now as I have just passed the week where I would have been full-term if things had been different - and I know I shouldn't think about it like that because it does upset me. But in a weird way, it brings me comfort too, I can't really explain how. I even wrote a poem and I wanted to share it with you all and to whoever else comes across this post for their own comfort. For those that don't know my story, here's a brief overview: I had been using condoms, the condom split, but took the emergency pill as soon as I could, but it still developed into a pregnancy. (I'll be honest, I didn't think that could happen when taking that emergency pill) I felt resentful that this became my situation because I wasn't ready but felt responsible and an overwhelming love for this baby, but then the decision was taken away from me when I learnt a week later that it was an ectopic pregnancy.
Here I am now 9 months later, and I do get broody - I honestly thought I wouldn't feel like that again, after going through something as traumatic as this. There is a part of me that wishes to be pregnant right this very second so I can in a way, replace but not replace the baby I didn't get to keep. But on the other side of it all, I know that a child can wait. I'm only 21, 22 next month, and I'm content with the milestones I'm making with my education and job prospects, but sometimes the desire to have a baby is so strong, I wonder if other people have felt this way too - Would love to know people's thoughts and experiences on this for anybody that might be reading!
Here's the poem I wrote:
Hope after Loss
The feeling of loss cannot be buried,
for when it is there, it is there to stay.
I've learnt it's okay to be lost, worried
Scared, optimistic all in the same day
I am okay with feeling loss, that sting
because I feel closer to you, no fears.
I hoped to never encounter such a thing,
not ever, never mind at twenty years.
It hurts that I didn't get a choice,
no matter how I felt, how I would fare.
No matter how much I heard my voice,
It was solely my role, my duty, my care.
I resent that this was my situation,
as I was so sure I couldn't keep you.
I just didn't want this tribulation,
this was just too difficult to go through.
But when I no longer had a choice
To know I was losing you was strange.
When I lost the feeling of rejoice,
that's when my feelings towards you changed.
You don't know what you have 'til its gone,
I used to have only one answer assigned.
It was losing those closest to me that have shone,
not those that didn't even get a chance to shine.
There is one silver lining in all this,
I still trust things happen for a reason.
I still have hope after loss, even bliss
as you will always be part of my completion.
Just an update from me since I last posted on this thread! I have since finished University, on track to finish in the top grade so I'm thrilled with that! I'm still with the same partner and have recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. A lot of joy and optimism, and a lot to look forward to in the future. So that's just a little reminder to anybody else going through this that it can and will get better. <3
In regards to how I feel about my ectopic pregnancy, it is still a weird feeling, especially now as I have just passed the week where I would have been full-term if things had been different - and I know I shouldn't think about it like that because it does upset me. But in a weird way, it brings me comfort too, I can't really explain how. I even wrote a poem and I wanted to share it with you all and to whoever else comes across this post for their own comfort. For those that don't know my story, here's a brief overview: I had been using condoms, the condom split, but took the emergency pill as soon as I could, but it still developed into a pregnancy. (I'll be honest, I didn't think that could happen when taking that emergency pill) I felt resentful that this became my situation because I wasn't ready but felt responsible and an overwhelming love for this baby, but then the decision was taken away from me when I learnt a week later that it was an ectopic pregnancy.
Here I am now 9 months later, and I do get broody - I honestly thought I wouldn't feel like that again, after going through something as traumatic as this. There is a part of me that wishes to be pregnant right this very second so I can in a way, replace but not replace the baby I didn't get to keep. But on the other side of it all, I know that a child can wait. I'm only 21, 22 next month, and I'm content with the milestones I'm making with my education and job prospects, but sometimes the desire to have a baby is so strong, I wonder if other people have felt this way too - Would love to know people's thoughts and experiences on this for anybody that might be reading!
Here's the poem I wrote:
Hope after Loss
The feeling of loss cannot be buried,
for when it is there, it is there to stay.
I've learnt it's okay to be lost, worried
Scared, optimistic all in the same day
I am okay with feeling loss, that sting
because I feel closer to you, no fears.
I hoped to never encounter such a thing,
not ever, never mind at twenty years.
It hurts that I didn't get a choice,
no matter how I felt, how I would fare.
No matter how much I heard my voice,
It was solely my role, my duty, my care.
I resent that this was my situation,
as I was so sure I couldn't keep you.
I just didn't want this tribulation,
this was just too difficult to go through.
But when I no longer had a choice
To know I was losing you was strange.
When I lost the feeling of rejoice,
that's when my feelings towards you changed.
You don't know what you have 'til its gone,
I used to have only one answer assigned.
It was losing those closest to me that have shone,
not those that didn't even get a chance to shine.
There is one silver lining in all this,
I still trust things happen for a reason.
I still have hope after loss, even bliss
as you will always be part of my completion.
Re: Not sure if I'm allowed to grieve and how to deal with i
Hayley,
It's good to hear an update from you, and I'm glad that you are focusing on the other milestones in your life. I also really struggled at the 9 month point. That is when I started seeing a counselor which has been incredibly helpful. She has really helped me sort some of my feeling out. I just passed the 1-year anniversary of my ectopic, and it was much easier than I anticipated thanks to her help.
This whole thing definitely kicked my desire to have a baby into high gear, too. That can be hard sometimes because for me a baby is probably realistically 5 years away. I decided on those difficult milestones, like due dates and anniversaries, I would buy a little something to put away for my future baby. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy, but it has been really helpful for me to have things to touch and hold and also to use those days to dream about and look forward to my future, instead of dwelling on the past.
Thanks for sharing your poem, I am terrible with words and love hearing what others have written about their experience.
Dana
It's good to hear an update from you, and I'm glad that you are focusing on the other milestones in your life. I also really struggled at the 9 month point. That is when I started seeing a counselor which has been incredibly helpful. She has really helped me sort some of my feeling out. I just passed the 1-year anniversary of my ectopic, and it was much easier than I anticipated thanks to her help.
This whole thing definitely kicked my desire to have a baby into high gear, too. That can be hard sometimes because for me a baby is probably realistically 5 years away. I decided on those difficult milestones, like due dates and anniversaries, I would buy a little something to put away for my future baby. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy, but it has been really helpful for me to have things to touch and hold and also to use those days to dream about and look forward to my future, instead of dwelling on the past.
Thanks for sharing your poem, I am terrible with words and love hearing what others have written about their experience.
Dana
