Can't process

[Chloe_Beth]

Warning: pity party ahead. Could be annoying and frustrating to women who lost a planned pregnancy. I'm sorry.

I had a hormonal IUD. 99.7% effective. I didn't want to get pregnant - I'm in graduate school, getting a PhD. I live with my long-term boyfriend and we're in a very stable and loving relationship, but not very stable financially.

Last week I went to a walk-in emergency clinic for abdominal pain. I thought I had severe constipation or something, but I knew something was very wrong. I was bloated with a hard belly, in intense pain that was radiating throughout my body, light-headed and nauseous, and generally just feeling like I may be dying.
They suspected appendicitis but gave me a pregnancy test which came back positive. They told me and my boyfriend to go to the ER immediately.

The ER doctors were terrible. Despite the fact that IUDs significantly increase the risk of a pregnancy being ectopic, and I KNEW from my body that this pregnancy was not viable, they did not put this on my chart. Every nurse and technition began by congratulating me and would not refer to the situation as anything other than "my baby". I was trying to disassociate. I knew they wouldn't survive and I didn't want to spend any time talking about them. The staff wouldn't let me. But. My uterine lining was too thick to get a clear image on the ultrasound. So they could not confirm it was for sure ectopic immidtaley and they were influenced, I think, by my state's conservative laws on abortion. No one would even entertain talk of surgery to remove the pregnancy until they were 100% certain it was ectopic. Which meant admitting me to the maternity ward and monitoring my hormones to see of they rose or dropped. All the while, I was bleeding out the end on my fallopian tube, filling my abdomen with blood. Writhing in pain, being given morphine and stronger. And just waiting.

I didn't know what i was hoping for. I couldn't process anything. I couldn't imagine caring for a baby at this stage in my life but... I just couldn't engage with any thoughts, feelings, or hopes. I just cried.

And then, the next day, they told me my hormones levels were dropping. They said they still didn't know where the embryo was (I told them right tube because I could freaking FEEL it, but i digress) and so they went in for exploratory surgery. They found the mass and removed it (in the right tube by the way), without rupturing my tube. Best possible outcome. And I thought all was well. Back to normal. Carrying on.

This was a week ago and I have spent the entirety of today in bed. I can't think about anything else. My shoulders hurt (from the residual irritation of internal bleeding, I think). I am crying and can't identify quite why. I think I am in mourning for my baby that wasn't. That I didn't even want right now. That i didnt even want to call my baby. She would have been so loved though. My boyfriend will be such an amazing father, and when the possibility of a pregnancy arose he handled everything so well. Way better than me. He accepted it and started talking about ways we could work it out so i wouldnt have to quit school. How our parents would help. And i just couldnt even talk about it. But now I'm just so sad. I just wish this hadn't happened at all. I can't shake the thought that we created a little living thing, and now it's gone. What could they have been? They would have been so freaking cute. They would have been so loved. Someday, our babies will be so loved. But it won't be THAT baby.


I'm pro-choice. But I didn't have a choice here. I dont know what choice I would have made, and that makes me feel like I shouldn't be allowed to feel sad. I'm not like the other women on here. I feel some relief over it not being a normal pregnancy, and that makes me feel terrible. I don't know how I feel. I can't process anything. I'm so conflicted and so, so sad.

[dlm08]

Hi Chloe,

The same thing happend to me. IUD failure. I took a pregnancy test, because I was having pregnancy symptoms, and it was positive. I was worried about an ectopic because of the IUD so I went to the doctor that day. They were unconcerned, but went over warning signs with me. I chose abortion but had to wait 2.5 weeks for the next available appointment.

A week later I was convinced that it was ectopic, because just like you said I could feel it. Mine was left side. I went to the ER and had a similar experience with all the congratulations. I was also scolded multiple times for not taking prenatal vitamins. It was awful.

I went for an ultrasound and the tech kept telling me how everything looked normal and I was so early they wouldn't expect to be able to see the pregnancy. I had to literally guide her to where my ectopic was.

They still weren't sure but since I wasn't planning on continuing the pregnancy they did an exploratory surgery that night where they removed the pregnancy from my left tube. Just like you I didn't rupture.

How lucky, right? I felt the same way for a long time and didn't feel like I had the right to grieve. But this was still a traumatic experience and all of your thoughts and feeling are completely valid. Don't compare yourself to the stories of "wanted" pregnancies. You get to be sad or angry or whatever you want. Your story is just different, and it's complicated, and it will take time and effort to work through, but you'll get there.

My ectopic was a year ago in March. I definitely still have bad days, but it doesn't consume my life like it initially did. I think my best piece of advice would be to seek out counseling if you are comfortable. I wish I had done that much sooner. I have great support around me, but there were just some thoughts and feelings I really needed to work through on my own.

I just wanted to reply so that you know you're definitely not alone. I hope you'll allow yourself to grieve this experience in whatever way you need to to start healing.

Dana

[Nicky79]

Hi,
Mine is a different situation to yours but similar in some ways....
I have 2 grown up children and my partner has a 6 year old who has recently moved in with us (the weekend that my ectopic started to be precise) I found out that I was pregnant and like you it was not something I had planned on I thought I had finished my family in all honesty but being pregnant made me contemplate what having a baby now with my now partner who is the most wonderful beautiful man in my eyes would be like he’s a loving dad and above everything I’m in love with him which made the whole situation very different from how I had imagined I would feel to have my new found independent life taken over by a baby. It was a very emotionally conflicting time for me. He didn’t want another child and if I decided to continue with the pregnancy had it been ok I would have broken down our relationship. In some respects the ectopic took the difficult decisions away for me which now causes me feelings of guilt. I know now I would have chosen the baby I had without realising I wouldn’t drink took folic acid. But the day that this started I thought I was Miscarrying I had terrible pain and started to bleed. We went to the hospital and eventually got a scan they told us sadly they could not find the pregnancy there was some material in my womb which could be a miscarriage but could not see any evidence of a sac. They let me home but I had the phone call hours later to say my hormone levels were really high which could suggest an ectopic could I go back in 2 days and have more blood taken this went on for a week the whole time walking around in a numb state had I lost my baby had there ever been a baby what was wrong with me. Then they scanned me again and they found it hiding behind my left ovary I saw it on the screen which was the first rush of emotion I had felt in that week I went through all of this bit alone as my partner was with his child she doesn’t know and I don’t feel it’s right for her to have to feel this pain after such a major change had already happened in her life in the past week. They took me down to theatre that night and removed my ectopic and left tube I was still pretty numb at this point only allowing myself to feel I’m relieved I’m still here I have people at home that need me. The second rush of emotion came the morning after when I had to decide what I wanted to happen to my baby basically it was confronting and to much for me to deal with in that moment. I walked out of hospital and spent a few more days in this state of shock then all it took was a woman putting her hands into a pram and making a baby giggle and that giggle cut through every bit of armour that I had I broke I gave in and started to cry any time I had without my partners daughter I would cry I would feel and god the depths that this has made me feel is unbelievable and I felt so strange my poor partner who is just over the moon that I’m here and healthy has had to put up with so much this past couple of weeks from tears to so much anger. I can’t understand how he is coping with me. Your not alone my grief questions what sort of a little person would this baby have been how much I would have loved it how wonderful it would have been I guess we have to go through this bit our bodies were gearing up for a 9 month hike that wasn’t to be and sadly that empty feeling is our bodies way of going back to normal we have to give our mind that chance to grieve being a mum I can tell you it’s the most wonderful feeling creating carrying and bringing into the world a life so it’s no wonder that losing it hurts just as much. Be kind to yourself your not alone and you are allowed to have these feelings xxx