Ectopic Unplanned Pregnancy

[username123]

Hi all, wondering if anyone has advice for dealing with an unplanned pregnancy that turned out to be ectopic.

I wasn't trying for a baby. I had an IUD. My husband and I were moving to another country. I got what I thought was a stress period, two weeks early. After it lasted a week and a half, I started to worry maybe it was something more than stress. Then I had the most horrific cramps of my life. Worse than anything I've ever experienced.

At the medical center, the nurse asked if I could be pregnant. I said I didn't think so, since I had an IUD. Then my urine test was positive. The nurse recommended I go immediately to the hospital.

My husband and I waited four hours. The hospital was slammed--apparently Monday night is when its happening. The staff, nurses, and doctors were all very kind. When they examined me, and saw the bleeding, they ordered an immediate ultrasound. It was uncomfortable, even with the oxy.

Once it was over, a crowd gathered in my room. The obgyn explained that I had an ectopic pregnancy, my left Fallopian tube had ruptured, and I needed immediate surgery. They told me it was good that I was so stable, and we could discuss options. But there wasn't really anything to discuss. I signed the consent form and went into surgery 45 minutes later.

What was supposed to be a 30 minute procedure turned into an hour and a half. I'd bled a liter into my abdomen, and as my husband described the picture the surgeon showed him, all my insides were covered in gore. My Fallopian tube was removed, but my ovary got to stay.

It was two weeks before I could walk around the block by myself. Once I was cleared to fly, we rescheduled our move. My husband was, and continues to be, kind, supportive, caring, and sympathetic. But he didn't want a baby. I didn't want a baby. But my hormones really did.

It's been about 5 months since everything happened, and I'm not doing well. My husband and I have discussed it, but since we're in a foreign country and he has to work, there's not much he can do. I know I show all the signs of classic depression: I don't care about anything, including eating, I can't sleep or I sleep too much, I'm tired all the time, I cry unexpectedly, nothing I used to love seems worthwhile.

I know I need to take care of myself. I make myself get up every morning, I wash my face and make the bed, and I get dressed. I eat meals. I journal. I try to talk walks or do a little yoga.

Its just I feel like my brain is at war with my body. I don't want a child right now. But my hormones keep telling me that if I just get pregnant, it'll fix everything. It's like an alien has hijacked me. And since I don't feel like my emotions are even my own, I don't know how to process them.

Anyone else been here?

[EctopicPUL]

Hi

I’m still in the journey on expectant management (waiting for my body to end this completely so my hcg is around 79). However I do understand what you mean. My pregnancy was unexpected and my relationship is long distance and whilst I love my partner, I would not say we are ‘there’ (kids, marriage etc). I had 3 days of utter panic about being pregnant before I began to miscarry (they thought due to bleeding), which turned into ectopic.

I find it difficult on forums because often they are filled with women who are desperately trying to have children, and I feel bad that actually this was poor timing for me and so I am not grieving the child so much as what’s been a shocking and terrifying process for my health.

However, despite knowing logically this was a bad time, all wrong, knowing the sheer panic and terror I had at being pregnant at the wrong time etc...: there is some hormonal grenade with the pin slightly pulled that says... have a baby? Can you have a baby? Maybe you should have a baby?

It is very complicated because this pregnancy was so early (despite being towards 9 weeks now, the bleeding began at 5.5 and everything was never seen on scan and didn’t develop at right speeds etc) so I’m not grieving this child.

I can only assume that hormones make you crave having a child.

Do you think you’d benefit from counselling to process the info? In the UK Cruse does bereavement counselling and you can usually self refer to more general services like Talking Space.

The whole thing is also just so shocking and alien, especially as you had surgery. That, with a big move I assume from the states to the uk can leave anyone feeling isolated. One language but different culture, and maybe lack of familiarity.

My friend also initially struggled moving here - maybe it’s all a perfect storm?

[username123]

Ooof I can't imagine having to do all this long distance. I hope you're hanging in there.

It's really good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like her hormones want different things than she does. My mother always did warn me about that...

And I know what you mean. Everyone at the hospital assured me that it wasn't my fault, and that even though I'd lost a tube I can still get pregnant, etc. When I told them it was my first pregnancy I think they were all more devastated than I was. Of course I feel guilty for that--a lot of women are trying to have a baby, and I can't imagine how that would feel in this situation.

I've never tried counselling. I'm a bit resistant to the idea, but I'm not sure why? I believe it's important and useful, but when it comes to setting up an appointment, I never manage.

A perfect storm is right!

I hope everything is going as well as possible for you, given the situation. I can't attest to whether it's better to have surgery or not, since I didn't have an option, but either way I'm sure it's not any fun, and rather horrific if you think too much about it. At least its been that way for me.

[EctopicPUL]

I work often providing counselling to people in a different scenario and yet in this instance I am resistant as well. Only 30m ago as they always do, the EPAU centre has offered me the counselling number but i feel at this stage my distress is caused by it not being over as my hcg is so stubborn and I still bleed intermittently etc. Counselling is valuable though but I think you have to have it at the right time, for you.

I feel guilty too, for women that can’t conceive. I feel also to my best friends who I shared my utter initial panic with, that I can’t have mixed feelings about having lost it because I was so scared when I had the positive test. They’ve not said that but it’s how I feel.

But even as I write that I think, but you don’t want a baby!!

Absolutely bizarre how the hormones play tricks on you.

[Sonia]

Hey, I read your post and it’s good to know that you are trying to help yourself in order to get better ... getting out of bed is good and hopefully in time you will feel different and want to do more ...it takes times to heal.
I woke up this morning thinking I have a baby and when I go to sleep I think of my baby ... your not alone Hun in having emotional thoughts so don’t feel bad about it ...
sending you positive vibes and hopefully in time you will feel better. X

[dlm08]

Hi there,

I also experienced an ectopic pregnancy while using an IUD about a year and a half ago. I would really recommend you seek out some sort of counseling. I waited almost a year to try it and I wish I had done it much sooner than I did. I have a very supportive partner, family, and friends, but there were just some things I needed to work through on my own and I'm so grateful for my counselor for helping me do that. Especially all of the guilt I was feeling for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm glad that you have found things you can do for yourself each day for a little self care. I think that is so important. Just know you're not alone <3

[username123]

To say I have mixed feelings about this whole thing is such an understatement, so I definitely apprecite knowing it’s not just me. And I will keep counseling in mind.

My husband recently asked me to name the last thing I was excited about, and I couldn’t. So today I looked into a volunteer position with a wildlife refuge. I wouldn’t say I’m excited, but I used to work with animals, and I do miss it. Hopefully having something to do that I enjoy will help.

Thanks again to everyone for listening and offering your experience and advice. I’m keeping you all in mind, and sending healing thoughts your way. Lovely to have such support.

[EctopicPUL]

I just read your post and I’m home alone and automatically went “oh wow a wildlife rescue!”

I’m flat unaffected and possibly mildly depressed by my circumstances at the moment, yet excited by your news lol

I’m an animal person. I do think time spent with animals is healing and distracting.

Hang in there. I’m with you. I’ve had a lot of time off work with this and I live alone. I’m keen to go back now as the world is slowly closing in on me. Just got very little interest and feel I can’t start anything until the tests are negative.

I’m sure there are life lessons in there somewhere but wish I could’ve learned them from a book lol

[present and positive]

username123, I wish you patience and self-compassion as you heal.

I just hit the one-week mark since having the procedure for my ectopic pregnancy. I also had an IUD and my experience sounds similar ~ I had what I thought was a period two weeks before I woke up last weekend with extremely intense cramps.

I feel grateful that I had been seeing a counselor before this experience and I am glad to feel so supported by her. It has been massively healing to be able to talk to my partner, family, and friends, but it is also so relieving to feel free to express all that I need to without feeling like I might be burdening a loved one.

I am also finding myself crying out of the blue and at seemingly small upsets, in particular when I'm alone or just with my partner. For instance, I was so happy I was finally able to leave the house to go to a friend's gathering the other evening. I felt like I was having such a blast, but the moment I shut the door to the bathroom, tears started streaming down my face.

I think it's so crucial to not underemphasize the basics. I am trying to remember that a day of eating well, having a good conversation with a friend, and going for a walk is entirely enough.

Here's to healing and recovery xx