Roller Coaster

[MandaRG]

I feel like I got on a roller coaster and can’t get off! I go around and around up and down. 10 days ago I got really sick and we headed to the hospital while I was there laying on the bed to have a cat scan the tech came and asked the question that started the roller coaster.... “any chance your pregnant”.
What a loaded question I have PCOS so this seemed impossible to me. My husband and I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and suffered a miscarriage when she was about a year old. After that we took a break but then tried for years and years to have a baby. It was a constant heart ache for me. Wanting a baby, praying for a baby, and then the resentment because I couldn’t have a baby. I left a church I loved because it seemed like all it was were pregnant women and babies! I couldn’t pray for well over a year because I was mad at God. I didn’t understand why he had given me these burdens to carry. Was I not a good enough mother to the one I had, did he not think I could raise another. I know all these are irrational thoughts but it’s what went through my mind over and over. This went on for a long time. My marriage was struggling, he refused fertility treatments and then eventually said he didn’t want a baby mind you our daughter was around 10-11 by this time and he said he didn’t want to start over. I understood but I just didn’t know if I could give up the idea of a baby.
My friend invited me on a birthday cruise, I actually almost didn’t go because of Zika... I was convinced that a baby was in my future and no one was going to take that from me. I went though and enjoyed a day at the spa...... I had this awakening sitting in a sauna looking out on the ocean. The pain and loss and emptiness faded away and I accepted that a baby just may not be in my future. I came home and let it go. I moved on, I mended my relationship with God and started finding beauty in his plan. Don’t get me wrong seeing a baby or holding one ALWAYS makes me crave one but it’s different I had accepted that my life was beautiful without one and I was satisifed with where we were. Fast forward.....
“Any possibility your pregnant”
My heart stopped I didn’t know what to say I was instantly happy, scared, confused.... oh yeah and on morphine for pain and completely confused and out of it. They rolled my stretcher back to the hallway where my husband was waiting.... I told him and he SMILED. I was scared how he would react and he SMILED, it wasn’t fake or scripted it was how he really felt. I mean he was in shock we both were. Over the next 24 hours it was up and down. They sent me home and told me that the symptoms could be related to the pregnancy or not. I googled and called my OB... and prayed. I prayed that God let me keep this, let me have this, let me carry this baby. I was spotting some but it was very light and my OB assured me that many women spot in the beginning, the sharp pain had all but stoped and now I was just feeling full and uncomfortable. Google searches said that could be normal too. I was convincing my self that maybe just maybe this was gonna happen. I had a follow up on Monday with my OB to check my HCG levels again to see if hopefully they were going up. I can’t tell you the amount of times I put my hands on my belly and just prayed... lord please don’t take this from me. On Saturday I kept having a nagging feeling that something was up. The full feeling was all the way under my Diaphragm now and something just felt wrong, a little voice in my head told me not to ignore it and call my OB. The on call Dr told me to go in.
After blood work and an US.... here came the bad news. The Dr came in softly but swiftly delivered the news. I had a tubal pregnancy that had ruptured and my abdomen was full... full of blood. Well that explains it, no wonder I felt full and the sharp pain went away. I was instantly sad about the baby but honestly that was all kind of blocked out because all I could think about was my daughter. I was scared. I work in surgery so I’m familiar with how your pressure works when your bleeding internally. I was scared when they opened me up my pressure would drop. I knew that I had been bleeding into my abdomen for hours now based on the full feeling and change of pain locations and intensity. Fear took over and I was scared to leave my daughter without a mother. The nurses came in and it was cords, vitals then off to surgery. When I woke up the pain was full force. I couldn’t even think about the emotional aspect of it all. For the past week it’s been all about physically recovering, doing my little breathing exercises, keeping the pain under control gradually getting out more and more. I felt like I was getting there, I have been starting to think about going back to work. Then today it hit, my husband and I got in a small argument this morning and out of no where this over whelming sadness came over me. I can’t help it... it’s tears every few minutes. I just don’t understand, why me. It seems so cruel, so harsh, and so unfair. I’m mad, I’m hurt I’m sad! I think about my hand on my stomach begging God to let me have this and I just can’t believe how sad this all this. After all these years to have it given and taken...
In the midst of the roller coaster we have been house hunting. On Friday the day after we found out about the pregnancy but before we headed back we made a drive to see a house we both wanted to take a look at for the hour drive we talked about what it would be like and how we were both Cautiously excited. We weren’t in denial we knew things weren’t looking good but we were just talking about things like needing another horse now and was this house big enough and so on. I tried so hard not to let myself get excited! I just couldn’t control myself, I even made a dang Pinterest board.... I knew better but I couldn’t stop myself. I started thinking about names and imagining a boy, we both were. I let myself dream and then today it’s like I woke up and I’m crushed! I know there is no trying again for us, this was it. This was the miracle that I prayed for again and again and it broke my heart. I feel so silly writing this for strangers to see but I just need to say these things. I can’t sleep and I need to say this. I need to get it out. Am I alone?

[EPT Host 20]

Dear MandaRG,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy, we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. I found reading post from other ladies, made me feel less alone by realising that my feelings were normal.

Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault.
We will be here for you for as long as you need.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811

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[eabaf]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am currently in the process of determining if I have an ectopic pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and couldn’t find a sac but found something on my left ovary that they cannot identify. Today I did a endometrial biopsy so I will receive confirmation tomorrow if it is an ectopic pregnancy. Like you, I have been questioning God and beating myself up. This would’ve been my first pregnancy and my spouse and I were so excited. I’m not sure why me - why this happens to any of us. I pray you find meaning and peace behind all of this. All things heal with time.

[tamemdee]

Hi MandaRG

I just wanted to reassure you that you're definitely NOT ALONE in the way you're feeling. I relate to so much of it. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary since my EP and I am hurting big time with God.

Its Mother's Day where I live today and it's a killer.

I just wanted to sincerely thank you for sharing your journey. You've made me feel very much less alone and I value that.

Xxxx