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Sad and empty after ectopic

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CLee
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Sep 17, 2019 4:31 pm

Sad and empty after ectopic

Post by CLee »

6 years ago after several years of trying for a baby, my husband and I learned that I have blocked tubes on both sides, since then we have been through 6 unsuccessful rounds of IVF, during one round I had a large amount of “abnormal bleeding from the uterus” and bled until I passed out. 4th round we got pregnant but miscarried after 3 weeks. With each round I found myself becoming more and more consumed with everything fertility related to the point where I couldn’t see any friends or family because I was so worried about what I did or didn’t do or eat would affect my egg count. It came to a point where I thought I was losing my mind, so we decided to have a break from the treatment.

One day I was about to go for a run but something, I have not idea what, compelled me to go and get a pregnancy test. To our complete surprise it was positive! We bought another couple of tests just in case- they also showed positive. We were over the moon- it was a miracle, we were told we were not able to conceive naturally but here we were 4 weeks pregnant! We were so excited about how and when to tell our family and friends.

About a week later I had a pain in my lower abdomen, my husband insisted we go to the hospital, we were seen by a lovely doctor who did an internal scan. She confirmed it was ectopic, and much further developed than we first thought as it was quite big- 9 weeks, and my tube had ruptured, I had bled internally about 2 litres, I was rushed to emergency surgery where my left tube and our 9 week embryo was removed.
We were absolutely crushed, even the nurses were crying with us.

It’s been a few weeks now and the scale of what happened is still processing. We just celebrated my husbands 40th birthday which is when we would have announced it to friends and family. I find myself looking at other peoples kids and I feel so sad for our little miracle baby who couldn’t make it. I see pregnant ladies holding their lovely bumps and feel so sad that isn't me. I can’t face the thought of another round of IVF but I don’t know if I’m ready to say we won’t have our own family. I know there are other possibilities like adoption or surrogates but it’s not the same and also brings about a whole other set of emotions and big decisions I don't feel ready for.

I find myself thinking about what happened and our baby all the time. I’m trying not to blame myself but sometimes it’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, I’ve failed my body or my body has failed me. I keep reminding myself I'm lucky to be alive but at the same time so sad for our baby, I keep thinking maybe there's something I could have done to save her.
Just feel deeply sad and empty.

Clee

EPT Host 20
Posts: 1592
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Sad and empty after ectopic

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Clee,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses, to experience one loss is difficult to deal with multiple losses is heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.
We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.
The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811

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