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Cannot shake my anger and sadness

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Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2019 3:18 pm

Cannot shake my anger and sadness

Post by Hopeful915 »

I am still at home recovering from my ruptured ectopic pregnancy and the surgery to remove my right tube. I'm 32 and it was my first pregnancy. My husband and I are both very healthy and active, and I am just very shocked that this happened to me. I had pretty severe internal bleeding, fainting episodes, and very low blood pressure. It was absolutely terrifying! Initially I felt very lucky to have survived and thankful for my supportive family, friends, and husband.

However, as my recovery progresses I cannot rid myself of these feelings of anger, sadness, and devastation. I feel angry at myself for not listening to my body. Prior to the rupture, I had two pain "episodes" in my lower abdomen that radiated toward my rectum. They resolved within 5 minutes and I attributed it to my constipation at the time. I never even asked my doctor about these symptoms and I feel stupid for not at least asking about it. I also feel angry at my doctor. I felt pretty certain about when we conceived and based on my last period I was over 9 weeks along whenever my ectopic ruptured. However, my doctor felt that based on my HCG levels I was not that far along. My first scan wasn't scheduled for another TWO WEEKS from now! If I had lower than expected HCG levels that should have been a sign of ectopic pregnancy, right? I feel that the loss of my tube could have been prevented and I just feel devastated.

I feel like a very logical person and I know that the baby could not survive after implanting in the wrong place. We are sad to lose our first baby, but honestly I am more upset about the damage this has caused to my body and decreased chances at a future child. The "65% within 18 months" statistic for women after losing a tube makes me feel so angry and sad when I compare it to the common statistics for "normal" couples (85-90% within a year). I know I need to get over this anger and just move forward in a positive way but I'm truly struggling.


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Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2019 4:37 pm

Re: Cannot shake my anger and sadness

Post by Loupy512 »

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It is horrible and s*** and there is no other way to see it!
I felt I had to response because I have just had an almost identical experience (33, first pregnancy healthy with no risk factors, right tube removed after A&E visit, signs missed...)
If it helps at all you are not unusual in how you feel - I feel exactly the same three weeks down the line. The only way I have managed to make myself feel better is to stop looking and thinking about statistics and googling, which I was doing obsessively, and just trying to distract myself by connecting with friends and family and throwing myself into my work. At times I break down totally but I have sort of started to accept that because what has happened is bloody awful and we deserve to be angry and upset sometimes I think.
I hope you are feeling better soon - for what it’s worth you are not on your own x

EPT Host 20
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Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Cannot shake my anger and sadness

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Julia,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. My first pregnancy was also ectopic and I completely understand your shock.
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with. When we experience ectopic pregnancy, we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.

I am sorry you feel let down by your Dr, what I can say is that ectopic pregnancy can be notoriously difficult to diagnose because it often presents with symptoms that can be suggestive of other, more usual, conditions such as gastroenteritis, miscarriage or even appendicitis. If you have concerns about your care, please speak to your doctor's surgery or the Patient Advice Liaison Service (PALS) at your local hospital.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that's 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for Your Next pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

Above all be kind to yourself allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally. The boards are safe places to ask questions, read others experience's or even to vent and we will be here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

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