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I can't believe this is happening again. Devastated.

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Nienna
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 5:23 am

I can't believe this is happening again. Devastated.

Post by Nienna »

Hello everyone, this is my first post. I just feel so alone in all this.

My first pregnancy at age 34 was immediate, textbook, and problem free, resulting in my beautiful 2 and a half year old daughter. When my husband and I decided to try for a second child, I had no reason to anticipate any problems. Our first month of trying, the pregnancy tests were all negative and then I got a normal period. Oh well, try again next month I thought. Five days after the end of my period I decided to take an OPK despite knowing it was way too soon for me to he ovulating yet, but I was antsy. To my surprise the test line came out super dark. I was confused and consulted doctor google, which said that can mean you are pregnant. I didn't think it likely since I just had my period, but I took a pregnancy test and it was very positive! I called the doctor who ordered bloodwork. My hcg was on the very low end of "normal" but showed the appropriate rise after 72 hours, so at this point I was completely relieved and excited! I got my first appointment scheduled for when I would be 8 weeks and showed up full of anticipation, having experienced no pain or bleeding or anything else worrisome. The doctor however felt there was maybe something off, and ordered an ultrasound which revealed a large ectopic in my right tube. He rushed me to surgery where it was discovered it had already ruptured and I had been bleeding into my abdomen. I of course lost the tube and was devastated, but he assured me that the other side looked great and I should be able to conceive again easily.
Cut to well over a year later, multiple rounds of clomid, and all the exhausting emotional roller coaster of ttc, and still no luck. Then, on the evening of Friday Feb 14th I get a faint, but very real positive! What an amazing Valentine's Day surprise! I am over the moon, and first thing Monday call the doctor. By that afternoon I've had my blood drawn and I'm waiting on the result, but I'm excited not worried. Then I see that my hcg is 44, very low for 4 weeks pregnant. As soon as I saw that number, my heart plummeted. I know it's about whether it doubles in 48 hours, but part of me just knew something was wrong. I tried to remain hopeful that maybe it just implanted late, but today I got the second set of results, and my hcg dropped to 43. That means miscarriage or ectopic, I don't know which, and neither does the doctor this early. No pain or bleeding yet, but that doesn't mean much considering last time. As horrible as it sounds, I hope it's a miscarriage this time, but I have a bad feeling it's another ectopic and I'm terrified I will lose my other tube. Not to mention I am crushed and devastated to be losing this pregnancy, and to know I still have to go through it one way or another, either mc (cramping bleeding) or ectopic (methotrexate surgery). The anticipation and not knowing is terrible, I've been crying all afternoon, and I'm just so exhausted from all of it. I feel like I'm running out of time (will be 39 this year) and losing hope I will ever conceive a healthy pregnancy again.

EPT Host 22
Posts: 328
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: I can't believe this is happening again. Devastated.

Post by EPT Host 22 »

Hi Nienna,

I am so sorry you are having to endure this situation and my heart goes out to you. In these early days, I hope you can take extra time for yourself. I know it is easier to say than to do, but it is so important both physically and emotionally. Going through ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages requires so much from us, and everyone on these boards understands. You have found a safe space and we are sending all of our positive thoughts your way. There is no right way or one way to recover from these traumatic events and we are here for you for as long as you need.

With good wishes,

Michele

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Mrserskine
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2020 1:17 pm

Re: I can't believe this is happening again. Devastated.

Post by Mrserskine »

I am so so sorry that you’re going through this again and I pray that God comfort your heart. I too was diagnosed with my second ectopic pregnancy last Tuesday. I lost my right tube in October of last year when my husband and I found out we were pregnant again we was excited and it happened again. I was given the methotrexate injection and I am hoping for the best. Just know you are not alone and I will be keeping you in my prayers. God bless

Wheatoh
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:31 pm

Re: I can't believe this is happening again. Devastated.

Post by Wheatoh »

Hi Nienna,
This is my first post too and reading yours has really struck a chord with me as my experiences are very similar. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I genuinely feel your pain. I had my left tube removed after an ectopic in December. I physically healed ok but have struggled mentally. I’m seeing a counsellor which is helping. I had a positive test last Wednesday and was too scare to let myself be excited. I went to the EPC and was told after scans that they couldn’t see anything and it was likely a miscarriage. I was devastated. As I left I received a call to say they may have misread my scan report. I hoped so much this meant it was a false alarm. I was told it could still be one of 3 outcomes. They took bloods and I returned on Sunday for more. I received a call yesterday to say my levels had dropped by 33% not enough to confirm a miscarriage. They are worried it is another ectopic. I was supposed to be going to Gran Canaria today for a long awaited holiday but have had to cancel because of the risk. I have to go back to the EPC tomorrow for more tests. I am absolutely gutted. My partner is amazing but no one really gets it. I get so agitated by the well wishing comments ‘ you’ll get there when the time is right’ ‘ it just wasn’t meant to be.’ I know others don’t know what to say and I shouldn’t be frustrated by it but just can’t help myself.
So thank you for sharing your story. It’s so sad we are going through this but I find some solace in hearing stories from women who really understand. I wish you all the luck for the future. Holly x

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