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Advice? Vent?

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Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2020 5:27 pm

Advice? Vent?

Post by christaruth05 »

Hi, all. I hope this message reaches you all well during this difficult time.

I found out I was pregnant last month (February) after taking a few home tests. I am prone to miscarriages (5 previous to this one) and so I didn't really think much of it. I had heavy bleeding about 2 days after seeing a positive test, so I just assumed I was going to experience yet another miscarriage. As a few weeks went on, I felt strange and noticed I was craving more things and having a queasy stomach throughout the day. So I ended up taking another test and sure enough, it was positive with the lines more distinct. I went to get the pregnancy confirmed and to get checked since I had heavy bleeding prior. Once it was confirmed, I was elated. I'm only 26, but becoming a mother has been a dream of mine. The doctor then informed me that I was 7 weeks along and that they needed to do an ultrasound to make sure things were looking alright. I told myself to not get attached, to not get my hopes up. But I couldn't help it. My past pregnancies were always just shy of 3-4 weeks. So knowing that it has passed that, I couldn't help but get my hopes up.

The first ultrasound was confusing. It showed absolutely nothing. No baby, no sac, no masses. Nothing. They repeated the ultrasound a week later, same results. My HCG levels were still rising and was around 8000 the next time I had blood results. I just didn't understand it. That's when they told me they found a mass growing on the right side. They explained how it could be a molar or ectopic pregnancy, but bottom line was that it had to be surgically removed since I was too far along to just take the medication. I couldn't help the tears, and all I could hear myself say was "I told you so."

It's been about 4 weeks since my surgery, and it didn't quite hit me until about 2 weeks ago. I suffer from Anxiety and Bipolar depression and just experiencing this has just made things worse. My husband has a son, 4 years old, and I used to be so fond of him. I'd always be so excited to see him and spend time with him, but after experiencing what I went through, I find myself wanting to distance myself from him. Every time he goes back to his mom's place or brings her up, there's an empty pit in my stomach that deepens the sadness; Another reminder that he's not mine.

I tried to explain it to my husband, but I'm not quite sure he understands. I know he tries, and I appreciate it. I just really need him and I can't explain it to him right. I can't help but feel guilty since i'm letting myself go at this point. I'm not helping him much with his son like I used to, not really taking care of both of them like I used to. I just really feel like giving up.

Thanks for listening.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 1592
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Advice? Vent?

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear christaruth05,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.
Although at this stage, your feelings are normal, as you already have a history of anxiety and bipolar depression, if the bad days start to outweigh the good, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too:

Do not feel bad about how you feel towards your partners son at the moment. Babies and children can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself, allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally and you can talk to us whenever you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811

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