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When will it get easier?

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LD91
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:54 pm

When will it get easier?

Post by LD91 »

My first & ectopic pregnancy was in April, I’m unsure of how far along I was.
I found out 5 days before surgery, when I was already bleeding & unwell.
Several phone calls to the doctors & all I got was ‘it’s a water infection, have some antibiotics’ I had 3 rounds of antibiotics.
Until the Saturday when I had to ring an ambulance. Within 30 minutes of being scanned I went into emergency surgery. Right tube ectopic, so tube removed, with 1L of blood and it was open surgery.
All during covid peak. No support, no answers & just me & my husband to cope.

What I can’t deal with is pregnancy/ birth announcements (which seem to be everywhere!) It especially hurts when it’s ‘close to home’. Yet again tonight I’m informed of a relative expecting & I’m back to square 1.
I feel I’ve come a long way since my really low time post surgery but times like tonight just take me back to square 1 again.
We made the decision to start TTC in August but have had no luck yet, so frustrating. I know we conceived within a month of trying previously. Why hasn’t it happened yet?
When I hear information like tonight, it just hurts so much.
Why can’t it be me? What did I do to deserve this?
I know this is pure frustration and jealousy but it just hurts so much.
When will it get easier?

JenJenn
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2020 11:20 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by JenJenn »

So sorry for your loss, I understand the pain you are feeling. I had an ectopic last month and had my left tube removed. I feel like all of a sudden there are pregnancy announcements everywhere, close family, friends, social media, TV etc and truly understand how you are feeling, I am consumed with jealousy and feel such a sense of failure like I’ve let my husband down, which I know it’s no fault of mine I just can’t help it. I hope you are feeling a little better soon, sending you lots of love xxxx

EPT Host 20
Posts: 1900
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear LD91,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. To go through all f this during the Covid-19 pandemic is just heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need

I very much understand that strong desire to conceive. I appreciate how frustrating it can be if it isn't happening as quickly as we would like. Conceiving successfully can take time and can take some couples more than a year or so.
While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. In addition. having regular sex means having sex every 2/3 days throughout the month. Guidance from the UK's National Institute of Health and Clinical Excellence advises that having sex around the time when the woman ovulates causes stress and is not recommended. We here at the EPT suggest having intercourse 2/3 times between days 10-20 of their cycle when trying to conceive.
It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

Importantly, help is available if conceiving naturally has not yet been successful after some time trying - and the EPT advises that women under 35 should seek medical advice following 12 months trying to conceive and those over 35 should seek advice after 6 months.

Do feel free to lean on us for as long as you need, you have many friends here who truly understand how you feel.
Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

LD91
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:54 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by LD91 »

Thank you both for your kinds words and support. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way x

Lisyloo725
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:17 am

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by Lisyloo725 »

Hi LD91 I’m so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling right now. I guess I’m jealous of you actually for having come through to what I perceive as ‘the other side’ as your TTC again.
My ectopic was found on Monday and operated on on Tuesday - so I’m day 2 of recovery and this feels like such a mountain to climb and I don’t have the energy. You have done that! So you should give yourself a big pat on the back for that.
When does it get easier to move around? Even standing to make a sandwich at the moment is too much! I’m signed off work for four weeks but am panicking about having to be back on it fully by then!

LD91
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:54 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by LD91 »

Right now you’re doing well to even be functioning! Whatever you do, don’t push yourself. I am so sorry that yet another person has had to go through this. Right now it’s so raw for you that you just need to focus on you and your recovery x

It took me a good week to get in and out of bed and walk around a bit. I tried to do the stairs a few times and if I was sat on a chair I’d try to flex my legs- this was advice from my mother in law who works at a hospital. An office chair was my saving Grace! I got up each day and made myself sit in the chair rather than my bed. I just did little walks around the house when I could. It’s not a good idea to be standing for long periods of time & I certainly wouldn’t attempt cooking at your stage. Try little milestones.
I was off work for 7 weeks, by then I was stronger but still not 100% physically. I really found that routine helped both mentally & with general movement. Please only go back to work when you’re ready.

Sending you healthy wishes & a giant virtual hug from someone who knows exactly how you’re feeling xx

Lisyloo725
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:17 am

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by Lisyloo725 »

Thank you so much LD91. Hug received!! <3

Sending love and get-better wishes to you too x xx

PrettyinPink+
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:26 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by PrettyinPink+ »

Wow! I had surgery on Tuesday too, but Drs have only been signed off for 2 weeks! (I have to admit I'm a bit worried about that!) I am currently in agony and similarly struggling to do much, although I am trying to get up and do small walks around the house every so often - small wins, hey!? :wink:

Lisyloo725
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:17 am

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by Lisyloo725 »

Hey pretty in pink
Book an appt with your GP for just before your sign off ends so they can review your tummy and mood. I do think it depends on the person, the job you do and what your colleagues are like.

I was told that recovery would be easier than c section - it is - but only a bit (so far).
There is no way I could walk to the end of our road; Never mind hop on a train to Waterloo.
I actually carried my empty(ish) work bag across the room yesterday (the laptop and charger were out, so just diary and a few pens inside) and I really struggled! I sat and tidied my daughter’s drawer of leggings, pjs and tops - and felt exhausted afterwards. That’s all I did all day - and I was sure I’d done too much!

We were supposed to be out for a meal this eve with friends and I cancelled last night - despite wanting to go I know I simply cannot sit up and chat for even an hour.

Sorry I’ve rambled now x x

Sending blessings x x x

EPT Host 20
Posts: 1900
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear ladies,
Please do take it easy. Recovery can take time and you are all in the early stages.
Regarding returning to work, surgery is an immense ordeal for the body to go through. In general, after about six weeks you should be able to return to most jobs from a physical point of view. However, if your role involves manual handling, we suggest that it would be sensible to have a phased approach, gently building up to the usual extent of activity. I would suggest avoiding a rapid return to strenuous activities as it is important to build up strength after recovery.
A few options may be available depending on your role: might there be an opportunity to work reduced hours, increasing them slowly over a few weeks? Perhaps there are certain tasks that you could take on which may entail a change from your usual role or a series of reduced tasks initially? I am not sure whether this is appropriate in your circumstances, but is there anything that you could action from home (which may be different from your usual role but still be of use)?
Many women experience pain after surgery and this can be the case weeks or months after the trauma. Pain is the body's sign to rest and it is important to be guided by this and taking it easier if you experience discomfort.
In addition, it is worth bearing in mind that experiencing ectopic pregnancy is a very frightening experience and many women need to take time to help them deal with the psychological/emotional impact of the loss of their baby, being diagnosed with a life-threatening condition and undergoing major surgery. Please speak to your GP about having further time off work if required.

Please do allow time to recover both physically and emotionally.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

Gigi20
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2020 11:11 am

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by Gigi20 »

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I had a ruptured ectopic 4 weeks ago after going through IVF. This was after I miscarried last July so I can totally understand the heartache. I have found it incredibly difficult seeing all the baby announcements and friends and family falling pregnant around me with such ease. I feel so guilty for it but it causes such pain and heartache and I’m often wondering what I’ve done to deserve this too. I also really struggled I n the pandemic and being alone in the hospital and am still recovering physically and emotionally, have been diagnosed with PTSD. I hope we all only have happy and healthy times ahead

Lisyloo725
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:17 am

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by Lisyloo725 »

Sending blessings to you Gigi. X x x
I hope prettyinpink and LD91 are feeling a teeny bit better this week x x x x be kind to yourself ladies. X x

PrettyinPink+
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:26 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by PrettyinPink+ »

Thanks ladies! Yes, I'm feeling physically better in myself this week - I've been out with my 3yo for a walk today which felt good as it was a little taste of normality once more. Today has also been the first day in two weeks I've barely had to rely on painkillers, which I'm taking as a small win! Little steps I guess 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I spoke to the Dr earlier in the week and have been signed off until 9th Nov. Whilst I am physically much better in myself, and continue to improve each day, emotionally I still keep having lots of wobbly days! My lovely little boy is a welcome distraction, and I know I am so lucky to have him, but it's the quiet times (esp at night) when I have chance to reflect and feel all the emotions I have been keeping at bay during the day when I sometimes fall apart! I have several friends who are pregnant or with babies at the moment which is touching on a still very raw nerve, and I am dreading the well meaning comments of work colleagues when I do return, as any kind words are making me burst into tears at the moment, as it just reminds me of the trauma I have been through.

If anyone has any good coping strategies or thoughts on how to deal with this in order to cope with every day life, please do share on this thread! Hope the rest of you are having a slightly better week too X

pammy3
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Aug 09, 2019 1:52 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by pammy3 »

You're really not alone in feeling this, I've just had enough of it all. Had ectopic last year and miscarriage in July. So tired of trying, seeing other people get pregnant immediately and just the whole cycle of it. My life was great til all this. I really feel I need a break, but it's so hard, as I turn 38 next month and feel like a ticking time bomb.

I feel so emotional today especially, as ovulating but my other half wasn't up for trying so I just feel totally [censored word]. The pressure each month is hideous and I know this is contributing to it not happening, but I don't know how to make it go away?

Sending you love, you're not alone xx

LD91
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:54 pm

Re: When will it get easier?

Post by LD91 »

Thank you all for your support, it makes my current circumstance feel that tiny bit better knowing others feel the same and I’m not alone.
I am also sick of feeling horrific every time my period arrives each month. I have got to calm down about it all and I know everyone says it happens when you stop worrying about it; I know all of us feel this is a lot easier said than done.
Fingers crossed for all of us for a brighter & happier future where we feel calmer about all of this.
Virtual hug being sent xx

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