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Is anger normal?

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NewbieFP
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2020 5:37 pm

Is anger normal?

Post by NewbieFP »

So 4 weeks Post Op ectopic pregnancy and tube removal. My main emotion right now is anger and Im not sure if its normal or not. Its understandable to be quick tempered after all the stress but im finding certain topics to be absolutely enraging at the moment. Ill give some examples:

1. Pregnancy (not babies, pregnancy specifically) is EVERYWHERE right now. TV, work colleagues, ads, games, family, nightmares. Honestly before this, I was really broody, excited for my first ever pregnancy and it was planned. Now, its like I suddenly go cold or something when it see/hear or talk about pregnancy. Like a light goes out and my interest in being in that situation goes with it. E.g playing a game and discovering a characters pregnant, I stop playing, lose interest entirely. Same with movies or tv series. Its like a spark dies and I just dont want anywhere near it anymore. Its really aggitating.

2. Im angry at my care. Many things should have been done but werent. I should have had blood tests to determine HCG change but 'Due to covid we cant offer early pregnancy monitoring until 5 weeks'. Turns out I was 7 weeks. They fobbed me off and left me for 2 1/2 weeks before they did anything and by that point it was too late to save the tube. Even when they knew I had the ectopic, I got very little information or support. Had surgery, minimal contact with hospital staff as they literally checked everyone leaving me til last. Kicked back into the world with no idea what to expect, or what to watch out for. I have nightmares of the hospital. Of being left, scared and ignored. Of being on a ward with 2 very cheerful expectant mothers and another who already had her child. Listening to them chattering away about babies and morning sickness, baby names and clothes. 'Oh the nausea is so terrible haha'. I am angry at the hospital, the staff, the situation and the lack of any god damned care.

3. Im angry at people who think their miscarriage is the same thing. I know they mean well but im sick of hearing people rambling about their umpteen miscarriages. Did it threaten your life? Did you have to have surgery or chemotherapy to remove it? Could you just try again next month no-biggie? Then shut the [heck] up, this isnt about you.

4. The lack of support from pretty much everyone so far.

But to cut a long story short, is there anyone else that feels angry from their situation? Is it normal and how do you get out of that mind set without screaming at any and everything?

Any advice would be appreciated.

LauraG
Posts: 42
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 11:13 am

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by LauraG »

I think anger is a normal part of processing trauma and grieving. Have you spoken to your GP? It might be worth asking about counselling available or contacting one of the other charities mentioned on here.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Xx

NewbieFP
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2020 5:37 pm

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by NewbieFP »

I have discussed it with my GP. I told her about the nightmares and anger. She sent me here and told me to 'self-refer' for counselling. I mean, seriously? Why cant GPs actually DO any of this? Why are we left to refer ourselves and sort our own care? GP wouldnt even remove the stitches when they got infected, had to get sent back to the ward that treat me like [censored word] to try and get them out. (Dissolvable my [rear end])

I self referrred a few weeks ago but I dont expect a response for quite a while which really sucks. In the middle of the pandemic, where we cant see friends/ family, go out to relax or go on holiday. We're just expected to deal with it, no follow ups, no support beyond 'talk to each other'. Bloody joke.

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by Stephy »

Hi Newbie,

I would say anger is totally normal. I'm day 5 post-op and my thoughts and feelings seem very similar to those you have shared.

I don't have any words that might help as I am still very early in my own journey, but please know you're not alone.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 2078
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear NewbieFP,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
You are grieving for the loss of your baby, grieving for the future that was and anger is a completely normal reaction to grief.
You are still in the early stages of recovery and it will take time.
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families and constant reminders from television and social media. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful.

The feelings you describe are very understandable. You have had so much to process in a very small timeframe. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.
If you have questions or concerns about the care you received in hospital, I would advise speaking to the Patient Advice Liaison Service (PALS) at your local hospital who will review your medical notes and discuss your concerns with you.

Sadly in slot of areas in the UK, GP's can no to refer to local counselling. It has been centralised and this is why patients are now required to self refer. I would advise that you do refer however as talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience, you are not alone. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

kaylaweru
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2020 2:29 pm

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by kaylaweru »

Yes, it is normal. How could it not? I had ruptured on Monday w/ emergency surgery and they released me the next day. I felt like I was like this dirty kept secret in post-partum that they could not get me out of their hospital as quickly as possible. I feel rage to be specific. Other times I feel just pathetic. I live in the States, seeing this trust and all of the awareness brought around this is so helpful and I appreciate it greatly. It is upsetting and frustrating that I don't see anything like this here. It is so upsetting reading all the posts and stories about other women's experience and no ones story sounds like what happened with me. Like I am this strange outlier situation. I know this near-death experience has changed me...is changing me. I think I had to let my anger out and tell my story for any thoughts of healing to trickle in at all. The nagging anger that keeps sprouting up is why did I let a doctor convince me otherwise when I know my body.

Long way of saying, absolutely it is normal. However, how long one stays in this state is another topic. I am all about rechanneling energy into something productive, healthy. Right now, I just don't know when that switch is going to flip on for me but I suppose that's apart of grief/recovery/healing process. Thanks for sharing, I wish you the best.

Welshgirl92
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Oct 22, 2020 9:26 pm

Re: Is anger normal?

Post by Welshgirl92 »

Hello lovely.

First of all I will start by saying that your anger is completley normal. Please don't forget that you are grieving and one of the biggest side effects of grief is anger.

I had my second ectopic and removal of my last tube in October and I was angry for months.
I hated my friends, I pushed them out because I hated how perfect their lives were.
I was angry at every pregnancy announcement I saw or heard of which resulted in me hating those people too.
I hated my house, I hated my partner, honestly... I hated the world. So yes, it is absolutely normal to feel as you are feeling.

Im sorry the hospital were not more informative to you, this should never be the case but I will say, early pregnancy unit does not stop operating due to covid.
5 weeks is too early to be seen regardless of covid or ebola or the frigging plague so that Information is the furthest thing from the truth.

This website is the most useful and most helpful that I've ever encountered, please feel free to reach out to me at any point.
I consider myself somewhat of an expert on ectopic pregnancies after suffering two of them, as depressing as that is.

You're not alone sweet girl, I promise you that.

Sending you so much love xxx

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