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Expectant management over Christmas

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lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Hi. 2 weeks ago today my husband and i found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. This was our first try for a baby. We went from being excited to devastated (me) and disappointed (him)

I am lucky (?! :? ) as it appears that my body was already rejecting the pregnancy by itself. It is on my left ovary. We were referred to an EPAU as I had some bleeding at 6 weeks (no other ectopic pregnancy symptoms) Bloods were taken and hCG levels was low (less than 200 at 6 weeks) so after backwards and forwardsing to the hospital for blood tests every 48 hours and after a plateau and finally getting a hCG drop they have let me have a break over Christmas. I'm back on the 27th for next blood test. Christmas Eve I should have been 8 weeks. It is hard right now to feel like I care about anything, let alone Christmas. I am finding hard to fake being happy.

I am also finding it hard to keep telling myself I'm lucky. Because objectively I know I am. I haven't needed surgery or methotrexate and hopefully won't.

I am deflated. Tired. Anxious. Depressed. Have a constant ache in my left side. Very mild ache. The bleeding has stopped. Anyway.. just wanted to tell my story so far. Hoping for good drop in hCG levels on the 27th.

Sending love to anyone that needs it.

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

I'm sorry that you're having to wait for answers over Christmas.

You say that you're struggling with telling yourself you're "lucky". I can see how you are trying to look at it in terms of not needing medical or surgical intervention, but at the same time, you have/are experiencing a loss and, for me at least, it's important to acknowledge that. Try to let yourself feel if you can. I've found bottling it up only makes things worse as it tends to all come out at once.

I can't tell you when it gets easier, and lots of people have told me that it's more about learning to cope with the feelings. You're not alone with this and I'll be thinking of you over the next few days.

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Thanks Stephy. Will be thinking of you too

Guesthanson1
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:54 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Guesthanson1 »

Hi Lolly,

I’ve just found your post after you left a kind message on mine. I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you ❤️
I’m so sorry you’re going though this too and I hope you’re okay.

I sympathise with the way you feel.. i couldn’t have explained it better myself.

Sending you lots of love, support and well wishes

Kelly x

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Thank you Kelly x sending love to anyone that needs it. This is honestly a rubbish sucky thing to happen to anyone at any time (keep my language PG rating) but it seems just a little bit worse at christmas time when you feel pressure to put on a brave face. Uurgh sending hugs. I'll check in tomorrow. X

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Made it through today mostly in one piece. A thoughtful gift from my husband along with a touching note attached about how 'we are in this together' dissolved me into floods of tears. But the end of today brings me one day closer to Sunday- the next hospital visit :? Hoping for a decent drop in hCG levels at this one as only managed a 27.5% over first 10 days. They were low to start with though: less than 200 at 6 weeks.
Hoping anyone else reading this has had the best day they could. Sending love to anyone that needs it x

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

I'm glad your husband is being supportive. You need each other right now.

I'll be hoping your HCG is dropping too, so you're one step closer to being out of "limbo".

Lots of love x

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Thank you Stephy. Hope you are doing well, resting up and getting through the physical healing. We are about to go for a walk although I feel very tired. It's easy to start worrying that the tiredness is a sign of internal bleeding or something but I'm sure it's just because it's emotionally draining keeping a brave face on. I read on your story this was your first pregnancy... mine too. What a great experience, eh? Sending love x

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

If you've got any worries, you could always give your EPAU a call? Even if it's just for reassurance. It's an emotionally draining time as it is and you need to look after your physical health too. I went for a little walk yesterday and found it to be refreshing after almost a week stuck indoors. I actually drove again today as well which was very strange.

Yes, my first pregnancy and we lost both babies. They would've been conceived around the date we got married too. We're hoping that, if we're lucky enough to fall pregnant again, we'll have a very different experience. I hope the same for you - if/when you're ready in the future.

Have a restful afternoon x

EPT Host 20
Posts: 2078
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Lolly2481,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Although you have not needed intervention through methotrexate or surgery, you still have to return to have regular blood tests and all of this can be emotionally draining too so please take care of yourself. If you have any concerns about symptoms, do call your local EPU for advice.

These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Thinking of you today Lolly

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Thanks Stephy..been had my bloods taken. Took two attempts as I have bad veins :? Results will be tomorrow. How are you doing today?

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

And thank you Karen. X
EPT Host 20 wrote:
Sun Dec 27, 2020 10:28 am
Dear Lolly2481,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Although you have not needed intervention through methotrexate or surgery, you still have to return to have regular blood tests and all of this can be emotionally draining too so please take care of yourself. If you have any concerns about symptoms, do call your local EPU for advice.

These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

Fingers crossed for tomorrow then.

Having a bad couple of days emotionally to be honest. It seems like for a few family members, now that I've had the operation, it's all done and we can start trying again! I'm glad others are much more supportive.

Have a peaceful rest of your day x

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

Fingers crossed for tomorrow then.

Having a bad couple of days emotionally to be honest. It seems like for a few family members, now that I've had the operation, it's all done and we can start trying again! I'm glad others are much more supportive.

Have a peaceful rest of your day x

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

I think that a lot of people think 'oh, you can just try again' without thinking about the emotional aspect. There are not many people who knew i was pregnant so there aren't many people know what's happened so at least I won't have to negotiate many of these 'helpful' comments. But then..I don't have many people to talk things through with (just my husband and 1 close friend, really) so there's ups and downs to that. I guess we will just have to take things as they come. YOU will know when you are emotionally ready to try again. X
Stephy wrote:
Sun Dec 27, 2020 4:05 pm
Hi Lolly,

Fingers crossed for tomorrow then.

Having a bad couple of days emotionally to be honest. It seems like for a few family members, now that I've had the operation, it's all done and we can start trying again! I'm glad others are much more supportive.

Have a peaceful rest of your day x

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Had a phone call from the hospital today with results from bloods taken yesterday. hCG dropped to 28. They have said that they don't need to see me now unless I have an increase or change in symptoms but I need to take a pregnancy test in 3 weeks to check it's negative and they will check in with me to confirm it's negative. Still a small chance of further complications but it's almost physically over. I feel sad and relieved at the first time.

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

Hi Lolly,

I'm relieved that your HCG is going down too and that it's almost over for you. I can't imagine how it's been for you having to wait.

It's totally normal to have all sorts of conflicting feelings

I don't know about you, but for me, it was the moment that I stopped bleeding that it became "real" - I wasn't pregnant anymore and even though I already knew my baby couldn't survive, I think a small part of me still had hope that there would be some sort of miracle.

You're allowed to be relieved and sad and angry and for things to make you laugh, smile or cry. And even for them all to be felt in one moment.

lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by lolly2481 »

Stephy wrote:
Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:26 pm
I don't know about you, but for me, it was the moment that I stopped bleeding that it became "real" - I wasn't pregnant anymore and even though I already knew my baby couldn't survive, I think a small part of me still had hope that there would be some sort of miracle.
I knew the day before I was seen at the hospital..I woke up and I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I had all kinds of early pregnancy symptoms: sensitive to smells, some mild nausea, going off foods, bloated and tired and I woke up and it was gone. I felt..normal. So that coupled with the bleeding..I expected it to be a miscarriage but this long drawn out..well the doctor wasn't expecting it to be ectopic and neither was I. Then I was hoping for a miracle too. Like, maybe it was heteropic and they would scan again and there would be an embryo there in the womb and then they would do some surgery and everything would be fine. But I knew it was a fantasy.

I kind of knew the hCG levels had dropped really low as I had had a migraine on boxing day and I hadn't had one since I got pregnant.

So now I have three more weeks of limbo until I take another test. And that's just going to be so sad. The test to see if it's negative rather than positive. Not looking forward to that.

How are you feeling? Are you doing ok? X

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Expectant management over Christmas

Post by Stephy »

As awful/strange as it might sound, if it wasn't for my heterotopic pregnancy, and miscarrying the non-ectopic twin, I wouldn't have known I was pregnant, or been in the hospital when my tube ruptured. So in a way, that loss may have saved my life...

I think, as humans, we will always try to find hope or reassurance or anything that might make something less painful.

I'm 10 days post-op, so pretty much half-way until I do my test... I've found that it's slightly easier now that i'm not going to and from hospital so I bought the tests when I got home from hospital last week, I've put a reminder on my phone and am just about managing to keep busy so I don't have to think about it.

I can't imagine how strange it'll be to be almost hoping for a negative test when really, you want it to be anything but.

I had a long chat with my mum today which helped, and did some embroidery which kept my mind busy.

Sending you lots of hugs.

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