By registering on our forum, you can view and contribute to more topics on ectopic pregnancy. Your details are confidential and we do not send unsolicited emails. For your confidentiality, you can choose your own forum name to protect your anonymity if you so wish. If you register, there is no obligation to post; you can simply take comfort from the words of others. It is entirely up to you whether you post a message or read others' experiences or do both.

Who was my baby?

This is a welcoming place for you to ask your questions and share your knowledge and experiences of ectopic pregnancy.
Post Reply
moonbeam_dream
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2020 3:01 pm

Who was my baby?

Post by moonbeam_dream »

Hi everyone. I'm struggling with something quite specific in amongst the trauma and grief I think I am trying to process. How did people deal with having such a strong emotional connection to their baby despite the early gestation alongside not knowing anything about them e.g. their gender/their name/what they looked like. Not sure if this is a normal feeling but I desperately want to remember my baby but knowing so little about them seems strange. I think it is mainly the gender and name thing I'm finding odd. Just wondered if others had similar feelings. Lots of love to all xx

EPT Host 20
Posts: 2078
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Who was my baby?

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear moonbeam_dream,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
I think you are right and not knowing anything about our babies is particularly hard.
Personally, I bought a charm for a bracelet with the birthstone of the month my baby would have been born as that's the only thing I did know and could control. Eleven years on and it's still one of my most precious pieces of jewellery. The good news is I added to it when my first baby was born.

There is nothing to stop you naming your baby, if gender is something that you are concerned about you could pick a gender neutral name.

You have been through such a lot in such a short space of time. When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Above all be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally. You are absolutely entitled to remember your baby any way you wish.

Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Who was my baby?

Post by Stephy »

Hi Moonbeam_Dream,

I've had very similar thoughts, and part of the grieving process is grieving for what "could have been".

I love Karen's idea of a charm bracelet, but I ordered an "acknowledgement of life" certificate - I could have chosen a name, but instead put "baby [surname]" - that's what was right for me though.

I found it really helpful to have something physical to remember them by.

I'm so sorry for your loss. x

moonbeam_dream
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2020 3:01 pm

Re: Who was my baby?

Post by moonbeam_dream »

Thanks so much Karen and Stephy. My instinct has decided a gender and there is a name i can't get out of my head so current thinking is just to embrace that and remember her that way. Even though I know she may have been a boy!!

People are asking me if there is any way the histology could mean that the hospital actually could tell me the gender. I am assuming this isn't possible and I am too embarrassed to ask?!

I know this seems like a minor thing but for some reason I seem to be obsessing over it!

Sorry for your losses too Stephy and Karen and thanks so much for replying to me.

Stephy
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:38 am

Re: Who was my baby?

Post by Stephy »

Hiya,

From what I've been told, they don't routinely test for gender (that would likely mean DNA testing at this point), any it is usually far too early to be able to tell from appearance alone.

Your baby will always be your little one, no matter the gender, and I like to believe they will know they were loved. x

Post Reply