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Struggling

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Stayls89+
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2020 12:03 pm

Struggling

Post by Stayls89+ »

Hi,

I don’t really know where to start, I had an ectopic pregnancy and was treated with the injection on the 8th December. It crushed me, me and the partner had been trying for 6 months and was so happy when we got the positive pregnancy test.
On the whole im getting on with things, keeping busy and trying to be positive. But I keep getting very emotional every few days. My hearts broken and I keep thinking what if, it would have been the 3 month mark next week. I keep seeing posts on social media of people that are expecting the same time mine would have been due and it brings up all the emotions up again.
I blame myself for what happened, I just keep thinking my body failed me. My partner has been amazing but he doesn’t feel the sadness I feel. I don’t want to keep being upset and bringing him down with me.
We want to try again in March, and I really want to, because there’s nothing I want more than a baby. But I’m so scared it’s going to happen again or that I won’t be able to get pregnant. I really want to give my partner children but I just feel so much worry that my body isn’t capable of it.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 2078
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: Struggling

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Stayls89+,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We generally feel a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget, but we learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and it is completely normal to feel anxious about the future. We will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault. I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.

We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that's 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.
Your feelings at this stage are completely normal after a traumatic event, however if the down days start to outweigh the good, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Please be kind to yourself and I send you gentle hugs.
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
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lolly2481
Posts: 38
Joined: Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:33 pm

Re: Struggling

Post by lolly2481 »

Hi, just wanted to say that I am feeling very similar to you. I found out on the 9th of December that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Mine ended 'naturally' with expectant management and we are intending to try again but it is scary knowing that if/when it happens again instead of being happy it will be a very nervous few weeks until it's location can be confirmed. But the odds are in our favour. And I know what you mean about your partner..I don't think my husband felt quite as sad as I did. He said he was 'disappointed' whereas I felt bereft. I'm mostly doing ok with other people who are expecting but it can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. I guess i just wanted to say: you're not alone. X

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