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Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

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SJ1979
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 10, 2021 10:17 pm

Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by SJ1979 »

My partner and I lost a child through an ectopic pregnancy on Christmas eve. I had been told at the age of 19 that I would not be able to conceive, so to be told at the age of 41 that I was pregnant but that I needed emergency life-saving surgery was somewhat of a shock! My partner is 10 years older than me and is a father of 3 from previous relationships

I am struggling to find a way to cope with the constant need to cry, triggered with the smallest most insignificant words. Passing daily phrases and songs in the radio are something that I dread. I have approached my GP for help in a practical medication sense, but I realise that I need to talk to someone and try to process the immense loss that I feel. It was suggested that we try IVF to conceive safely however, with my age and the damage done to my abdomen over many years of PID and adhesions taken into consideration, this is not an option. It is also a decision that he and I have made together.

In conclusion, I feel that I have been given a gift that I was unable to carry and will never be unable to do so in the future. An indescribable loss that I have no tools to help me with, and the inability to forgive myself although I know I could not have changed the outcome.

becky-b
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun May 09, 2021 8:04 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by becky-b »

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were told young that you couldn't have children and maybe you made your peace with that. Then you were given some hope but it was taken away from you again in sad circumstances. It was also an emergency so you have to get your head around a life threatening event, loss of your baby and your future and fertility.

Give yourself time to heal. I had my ectopic only recently but already I have started journalling to get all my feelings onto a page. Noone will ever read it, it's just for me to make sense of it. I read the book "you are here" by Thich Nhat Hanh about practising mindfulness. "The Book of Joy" by the Dalai Lama is comforting particularly around acceptance of what is. I also have started to see a psychotherapist. Maybe these things will help you too x

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear sj1979,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. I can only imagine what a shock this has all been for you and I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

The feelings you describe are very understandable. You have had so much to process in a very small timeframe - the ordeal of diagnosis, surgical treatment, losing a pregnancy and concerns about the future. Any one of these is hard to contend with and putting it all together is immense. After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.


Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
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Jody1981
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed May 12, 2021 7:27 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by Jody1981 »

Hi,

Just replying to this thread because I totally understand what the original poster is saying.

I had to have life saving emergency surgery in November with resulted in my right fallopian tube being removed. The whole experience was traumatic.

I feel like I struggle to process it all too and have had a very bad month where I just cry. I've had several days crying to my boss at work. Can you suffer from Ptsd after an ectopic and emergency surgery? I've not spoken to a doctor yet. Id rather speak to people who have gone through the experience and what they did to process things.

If the original poster (who i completely identify with with her post or anyone going through similar experiences) wants a shoulder to lean on I'm happy to listen. Maybe it help/benefit us all.

SJ1979
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 10, 2021 10:17 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by SJ1979 »

Thank you for your replies. It seems I am better at typing my feelings than talking about them!

I have spoken to my doctor about the tears and feeling of hopelessness, she has recommended a short dose of antidepressants for me. If I’ve understood her correctly, she seems to think that the medication will help me with sleep. It seems that I have developed an inability to stay in a deep state of sleep since our loss. Hopefully this will be a short term plan and I will find it easier to cope with a better rested mind.

She also recommended that I use this organisation to talk to people that had both experienced a similar loss, and also had a specialist training in bereavement of this kind.

It took a lot of strength for me to reach out to you all, but I already feel that this was a good choice. My partner has said to me that he also feels that my ability to write down such feelings may help someone else who, perhaps, struggles with such communications.

Words... I can do, Logic....I can do, Tears.....I can do, Loss.....much more difficult but I’m certain that with the support of others.....We can do that too.

Much love to anyone feeling a loss of this kind xx

Jody1981
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed May 12, 2021 7:27 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by Jody1981 »

I'm not very good at verbalising my feelings. I just burst out crying. Your post litterally said what I am feeling.

I too think I will need to visit the doctors. I just dont want to keep crying every second I have to talk about it and the experience I had. I dont want them to be dismissive or say you have depression. I don't feel depressed.... at all. I just get very emotional. Very. I did wonder if it was hormonal or as my boss said maybe ptsd. Out of interest did you find speaking to the doctor helpful? Did she say it could be ptsd with what you went through?

SJ1979
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon May 10, 2021 10:17 pm

Re: Nearly 5 months on, I'm not coping, please advise me....

Post by SJ1979 »

@Jody1981

There is so such stigma in the world, I find it frustrating to put labels on feelings...so I’ll be honest... I don’t.

Talking to my doctor was surprisingly easy, although I have suffered over the years with clinical depression. She was kind, understanding and patient with me. She offered several options including medications and counselling. She offered time off work to allow myself to grieve.......that was HUGE. I am aware that I am grieving, I hadn’t considered that it was for so many things.

When we lost out child I began to grieve for myself, my fertility, my hope, my child, my partner and the future that could have been. It was my doctor that said to me that all of these things are completely normal and not unexpected in any way. She told me that it took some people weeks to recover, some months and some more. She also assured me that she would be happy to help me as much as I need in the coming recovery period.

I think that’s important to remember. The visible wound heals in number of days, the wound under the incision takes a few weeks (which is why we’re told not to lift things), the emotional wounds have no beginning or end time.

I did discuss with her the hormonal imbalances, she seemed to think that these would have dissipated in a few weeks after the loss. However she did say that the body has a complex balance in chemicals and this could be the cause of my emotional responses.

Some may call it ptsd, some may call it the baby blues... as I said earlier in my message, personally I don’t like labels.

We are grieving deeply, and that’s ok....in fact perhaps as it should be. A dear friend of mine and one of only a few confidantes suggested that we name our child.

So from now, our child will be referred to as “Tuppence” and she is free and beautiful!

Much love

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