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Anger!

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weathervane
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon May 24, 2021 6:40 pm

Anger!

Post by weathervane »

I'm just wondering if anyone else out there is struggling with their anger over having an ectopic?

I'm (hopefully) nearing the end of expectant management after being diagnosed two weeks ago with a pregnancy in my left tube and, after a missed miscarriage at the beginning of April, I'm generally enraged...

Sorry, this will be a long rant!

Everything is irritating me and last night I had a big meltdown to my partner over... well, everything. We had to tell family due to the ectopic making a trip to see them impossible, and though they're supportive, of course, I can't help but feel somewhat disappointed by their reactions. My mum immediately made it about the fact we didn't tell her we were trying and though she pulled it back, she later put her foot in it quite badly with a comment that went something like 'you'd know what I mean if you had kids.' sigh.

My partner's parents are your classic middle class stiff upper lip types who have no idea what to do with their own feelings let alone anyone else's, so speaking with his mother became something of a trial over whether it was really that bad, and a competition over who's had it worse, reproductively speaking. She also saw fit to moan about how the people in her life can't do anything but post about grandchildren and it's boring - not exactly the most sensitive conundrum to share at this time. Don't worry, love, I'm not making you a grandmother any [censored word] time soon. :cry: Or his dad, who literally said in the background while his mum was on the phone 'don't leave me alone with them, I don't know what to say.'

I've made them sound like monsters, I know, but they're not and really all of it is so subtle, which also drives me nuts because I just have to assume they don't know they're doing it/can't help themselves/I'm over-sensitive and then it's on me to suck it up and move on and not be mad. I'm left wishing nobody but me and my partner know so I don't have to deal with anyone else's limitations when I'm trying and failing to deal with my own.

My younger sister was much better as she's also been through an ectopic, but now she has two gorgeous children (I'm older and have none) and she's able to look back on it from a perspective I just don't have the luxury of. So that made me angry.

Then, there's my partner. He's been amazing throughout but he has ADHD and about ten days in he started to get bored and restless and mildly irritable. Bogged down by the situation and desperate for something to pique his interest, a return to normality and sociability. Plus, he wants, though he'd never push for it, to have sex again, and it's not like we haven't been intimate in other ways. I get it, I do. Part of me feels the same way. But nonetheless I feel the pressure from him, even though he genuinely doesn't mean to exert it. Whereas he can escape and go to work and distract himself from all the misery and drudgery, I'm stuck in my body and my head. It just enrages me to think I should have to feel let alone deal with any of it.

Then there's work. I'd taken a week's annual leave for our trip to see family which was then eaten up by the ectopic. Not wanting to let on that I'm ttc, I've decided not to tell my employer or try to convert the holiday into sick leave. Thankfully I'm working from home at the moment so it feels easier to keep things private. But I'm still mad about having to do my job! It's totally irrational because it's my choice and I know my employer would be supportive, but I don't want the sick leave on my record, lest I need the goodwill for another failed pregnancy when the timing isn't as 'good,' and now I've gone back and gotten on with things I feel I've missed the chance to disclose anyway. I don't want the awkwardness or the sympathy. Or to have to explain the gravity of an ectopic, because nobody seems to know who hasn't been through it themselves, and I feel them looking at me like I'm making mountains out of molehills. I'm likely to commit a crime if someone fails to get how traumatising it is (my MIL possibly falls in this camp - if you haven't lost all your limbs and been ravaged by a voracious incurable disease, you're fine). The irony is that I'm not someone you could ever class as a hypochondriac or 'the worried well.'

I suppose I'm mostly mad that it feels like the whole world wants me to move on, including me, and I'm just not ready. I'm angry that it happened in the first place.

Sawisiwi
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 20, 2021 1:54 pm

Re: Anger!

Post by Sawisiwi »

Hi Weather,

I understand what you are going through. I had an ectopic 9 months ago and a chemical pregnancy 3 weeks ago.

There is no other way that let other peoples comments, opinions and advices go. Have consideration for yourself. What other people say don't matter. They don't know what you are going through. What matters is that you get well physically and emotionally. Health is the most important.

Hope you feel better soon.

Nat81
Posts: 24
Joined: Mon May 24, 2021 9:37 am

Re: Anger!

Post by Nat81 »

Sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m currently in week 5 of my ectopic methotrexate treatment and it’s been tough. I think it’s really difficult for some people to get their head around, we were lucky our family have been great but I feel like PUL and ectopic pregnancy isn’t as talked about such as something like miscarriage and as such people don’t understand you’re not only grieving the loss of a baby but you’re genuinely scared for yourself and rupturing. On top of that the prospect of what next in terms of ttc and having a baby.

After feeling really sad I felt really angry about my ectopic pregnancy too and still flit between anger and sadness. It sounds as if you’ve had some pretty insensitive comments though so I’m not surprised you’re angry!

I know you haven’t told your employer but I found once I told them I felt so much better as one level of stress was taken away, and I keep getting sick notes every 2 weeks. I’ve had pain etc and had to take it very easy but even if I hadn’t I think it’s worth taking the time out of you can for your own mental health.

Look after yourself, I hope you feel better soon x

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: Anger!

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear weathervane,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal. Anger is part of this process and you should find that it will pass although I cannot give you a time frame for this as we are all different. If the anger feeling continues so it starts to affect your mood or if you feel worse at all, do feel free to talk to us using these boards or by email or telephone call (details below)

Although well meaning, I also found that my friends and family didn't truly understand how I felt and some comments were certainly insensitive. Sadly ectopic pregnancy is not widely understood and many people do not fully appreciate the impact of early pregnancy loss.
You will need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating.
These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

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