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Struggling when asked how I am.

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Becca09092021
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2021 4:27 pm

Struggling when asked how I am.

Post by Becca09092021 »

This post is probably more of a rant than anything, but I just feel like I don’t know how to respond when people ask me how I am.

I’m three weeks post surgery and have been back in hospital several times with complications. I’m exhausted but went back to work yesterday. My colleagues who I consider friends know what has happened, and so when they ask me how I am I find myself unable to just say I’m fine. The same happens when anybody asks, I feel like a liar or as if I’m dishonoring the baby I’ve lost if I don’t acknowledge my grief but I’m also acutely aware that it’s awkward for others and nobody knows what to say.

I know what they want to hear, but I just can’t lie. I’m usually the kind of person that bottles up their emotions and so I realise it’s good to talk about what’s happened, but I just feel like it’s old news now and I’m making things awkward for others if I bring it up.

In a weird way, I never want to stop grieving because I never want to forget what I’ve lost. I get huge pangs of guilt in the brief moments I find myself smiling or happy. That said, I know I can’t keep talking about it forever. I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else has had similar feelings? More than anything I just needed to put this into words in a safe space.

Sending love to all of you who are hurting ❤️

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3142
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: Struggling when asked how I am.

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Becca,
It is still really early days since your ectopic pregnancy and loss, do not be harsh on yourself for the way you are feeling.
There is no time frame for how long it takes us to heal emotionally and your feelings are completely normal. I know from experience, my ectopic was 11 years ago, that we never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and The emotions aren't as raw.
I f you are comfortable in doing so, be open and honest with your friends. Do what you need to protect your heart right now.
Returning to work 3 weeks after surgery may be a little early in the recovery process too. From most jobs many women find they can return by 6 weeks, however some do need longer to recover from the emotional impact of everything. If you do feel you need longer off, please speak to your GP who will be able to arrange this for you.

These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need. So feel free to talk to us if you feel you cannot talk openly with those around you.
Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
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Han4
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2021 1:21 pm

Re: Struggling when asked how I am.

Post by Han4 »

Hello,

I'm in pretty much the same situation, just now over 2 weeks post op, and at home recovering and resting. I'm at the stage when people ask how I am - I'm struggling not to cry or become overwhelmed with the emotion of it. I think it's best to be true to ourselves when answering how we are. We are not ok. And I'm pretty sure those who feel uncomfortable with our responses - would not be ok if it had happened to them. I will be mostly honest about it and hope you can be too. We have to emotionally recover as well as physically and and that means being honest with ourselves and others about where we are in our recovery. I wish you all the best, this is a truly awful experience, but with time I hope we can both recover. Best wishes, x

Becca09092021
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2021 4:27 pm

Re: Struggling when asked how I am.

Post by Becca09092021 »

Thank you both so much, for validating how I feel and also for helping to see that I don’t need to feel guilty.

So grateful to have found the trust and be able to share this with others who understand💜

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