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My experience of my wife's ectopic

Just for men, to post our questions and share our opinions about ectopic pregnancies. Ladies, please note this board is for the men only. Gentlemen, if you wish to ask a general question please post on the main board.

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My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby dr_funke » Wed Mar 01, 2017 7:40 am

I don't know about anybody else who has been through an ectopic pregnancy besides my wife. She lost a fallopian tube and the physical and mental pain that followed from this is hard to discuss with those who don't understand what happened enough. Whoever you tell instantly thinks that it is a miscarriage and then they relate that to 'so and so had a miscarriage'. It is not the same, especially when trying to conceive again with your chances drastically reduced. Below is my experience of what haopened to my wife. I hope it can be be helpful to other men.

My perspective as Kat's husband during this time will hopefully be a useful insight in to the feelings and experiences of those closest to survivors of ectopic pregnancies.

I could tell Kat wasn't well the night before but i fully trusted that she knew how she was feeling better than me. I had no idea what the pains could be and how to help. I naively suggested a bath! A doctors appointment was being made in the morning and her mum was going to take her. That made me feel a little bit more comfortable.
The next morning when I said goodbye to go to work her lips were completely white and she looked weak. I will never get this image out of my head and that I just went to work rather than taking her to hospital is the biggest mistake I have ever made.

I knew what time the appointment was so at work I waited about half an hour until ringing Kat to find out what was wrong. There was no answer so I waited 10 mins to ring again but there was still no answer. I was getting concerned and just wanted to know that if the she was still in the appointment or any news at all. I kept ringing repeatedly but still no answer. By know I was getting frantic as it must have been an hour without being able to speak or be called back.

Eventually Kat rang my phone, there was no speech for a couple of seconds and I heard beeping. I knew this was bad. I knew that beeping was some kind of heart monitor or other equipment and then her mum said they were at hospital in resus and that she had an ectopic pregnancy. I hung up and legged it to the car which was parked a few minutes walk away from my office. I drove like a maniac to get to hospital which would take normally 30 minutes to get to, parked on the main road rather than fighting for parking space and sprinted in to A&E. I banged on the glass divider at reception and yelled "Kat Murphy ectopic pregnancy this morning". A very calm receptionist who clearly knew more than me about how serious this was quickly walked me through the waiting area and through some doors to Kat. She was on a bed surrounded by about 8 people all in different coloured scrubs who were preparing her and themselves for surgery. Kat said to me "Dan I was pregnant and have lost the baby". I automatically replied with "It's OK, I love you" and then she wheeled into surgery.

I was walked in to this tiny room to wait for the surgery to be over and that then I was on my own. I had a lot to think about but all I wanted to do was beat the [heck] out of this bin in the corner of the room. I got angry and was swearing, shouting and punched the wall a few times. I noticed a security camera in the top corner and stopped everything as I didn't want to be thrown out of hospital when Kat needed me most. I was joined by her parents and we cried. I was trying to get my head around being a dad, then not being one and then being a widower in my mid twenties. I just stared at the window in the door assuming that every person walked by was going to come in and tell me horrible news.

After about an hour and a half a nurse or doctor came in to tell us that the surgery was successful, how much blood she lost and that we could go up to the ward she would be staying on and wait there. I was feeling numb, I didn't think anything apart from wanting to see Kat. I didn't know what an ectopic pregnancy was, why this meant Kat was in emergency surgery and that I felt incredibly guilty and upset that I didn't bring her to hospital the night before.

Whilst waiting at the ward for an eternity I was asked if I was her husband and would I like to come down to recovery to see her. I obviously said yes and came to see Kat with blood stains all over her and tonnes of equipment hooked up to her. She kept on drifting in and out of consciousness making talking to her pointless. Also, a nurse kept on taking readings and checking her scar so I had to leave them alone a few times. I asked the nurse questions about what had happened and why. I kept on calling it 'eptopic'. I knew so little that I didn't even know how the word was spelt. I followed her up to the ward and waited by her side as long possible before going home. I don't know whether I had the choice to stay all night with her which I also feel ashamed about. I know when I left hospital there was not a single person about and that the way out is a very long corridor. I felt completely alone and started to take in everything that happened whilst walking out. I cannot and will not walk along this corridor on my own now anytime we go to hospital. I associate it with leaving my wife alone, losing a child and not knowing whether Kat was alive.

I'd informed my family about what was happening and despite being asked "is there anything we can do?" I just went home and sat on our bed trying to feel any of the many feelings or process my thoughts but I felt numb and useless. I drank a whole bottle of whisky to just get wasted, try to have some feelings come out through being drunk and to use it to sleep. It did none of this as it might as well have been water.

By no means was the worst over as the recovery has just as much an emotional and mental element as there is physical. Due to the surgery being rushed bruising around the scar was immense and it put Kat out of action with trying to use her body as usual. I ended up helping her on and off the toilet, got her dressed, walked her up and down stairs, in and out of chairs, bed, car etc.
It took along time for the physical recovery to be completed however the trauma was still in our heads but in different ways. I didn't go through this by feeling any of the pain, all I could do was watch and be useless witness. I couldn't help anything get better and despite always saying this to Kat being told just keep doing what I'm doing and being there still doesn't help me to give help to her.

I refer to this as something that has happened and how I felt then but I still am struggling with it now. Rather than helping myself with how to process my feelings I've only focussed on helping Kat. I don't talk to anybody about it and so nobody knows that this happened. I feel like it is a very personal time in my life and isn't something that should be advertised. I can only assume that because it didn't happen to me and that I didn't take Kat to hospital earlier that I feel I'm to blame and I don't accept that just being there for her is a form of helping.
dr_funke
 
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Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2017 10:37 pm

Re: My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby EPT Host 20 » Thu Mar 02, 2017 5:09 pm

Dear dr_funke,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
I cannot thank you enough for having the courage to post your experience and feelings. You will be helping so many couples who are struggling at this time. I hope you don't mind if I refer to your post for some future couples to read how it feels from the partners perspective.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Guilt is a word we frequently hear on these forums. From the bottom of my heart, there is sadly nothing you could've done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy, you were not to know that your wife was going to have emergency surgery so do try to be kind to yourself.
We have many posts from women who feel their partners do not understand what they are going through, they feel they cannot talk to their partners or feel the partners believe they should be over it in a relatively short space of time.
You say that you feel like 'just being there' isn't enough, I wish I could reassure you that it absolutely is. As someone who has also experienced ectopic pregnancy, my husband being by my side, not questioning my feelings or trying to rush me through them but holding my hand and standing by me was all that I needed. Keep an open dialogue, listen to each other and do not be afraid to tell her how you are feeling too.

We are here for you both,
Do be kind and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.
Sending much love,
Karen x

**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
EPT Host 20
 
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Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm

Re: My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby odd cat » Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:31 pm

Wow, that is heart seeringly honest. I recognise so much of the guilt and worry and self-recriminations from when my best friend died. For years I just felt I could have done so much better. But we don't know what we don't know and just have to react to what is going on around us.

I am just going through an ectopic pregnancy with my wife, we only found out because she had that much bleeding we thought she had miscarried but the hospital picked it up even though it was only a few weeks in. I have now done the research so know a fair bit (more than I knew previously) and it is being expectantly watched or whatever the phrase is. Did not have a clue before and so would have been pretty much in your position if it hadn't been picked up early. Still feel utterly useless, my wife has this little thing growing in her, that could have been a baby, yet we are hoping for it to die before we have to kill it, before it kills her. So strange. My wife knows it is still alive and is getting all the feelings etc she had when she was pregnant previously, but has to deal with knowing it is not viable. Now that is tough, feel quite fraudulent next to that strength!

Anyway, best of luck and hope you move through this, and onwards, when you are ready.

Best.
odd cat
 
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Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2017 8:09 pm

Re: My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby brokenheart91 » Sun Apr 16, 2017 12:33 pm

Hi, I know women aren't allowed on the mend space but i just wanted to read your perspective on eptopics to help my partner understand. I'm sorry you and you're wife went through this and I wish you all the best in trying again. The way you wrote this brought tears to my eyes.. Thank you and good luck
brokenheart91
 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 2:47 am

Re: My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby Frankiesdad » Sun Sep 24, 2017 9:15 pm

Thank you for your honest, Frank and enlightening post. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and that the grief I'm feeling is validated and real.
My experience starts a few years ago when my wife gave birth to our first child. The birth was difficult for her and ended with an emergency c-section as a last resort.
Cut to 2 days ago when as a precaution to some abnormal bleeding early on in our second pregnancy, we had a scan carried out in which they discovered the embryo had a heartbeat, was doing well but was not in the womb. We set about dealing with the fact that we would lose our longed for second child, a little brother or sister for Frankie.
We knew there was only one answer and that was to accept the loss and save my wife's life with surgery. As if the loss wasn't enough we now have to deal with what they found during surgery. They found severe scarring on my wife's womb and tubes. Presumably from the previous c-section, so much so that she is under extreme risk of another ectopic in her remaining tube which would put her under huge risk of an hysterectomy if they had to operate again.
The thought that we can never conceive naturally again has really hit me hard. Life has put me down then given me another kick in the teeth while I'm there.
I'm feeling at the moment that I've got to get my head right. My wife is concentrating on the physical pain before the emotional so I've got to be ready to help her when the time comes.
Once again thank you for this thread it's really allowed me to just put my situation down in black and white so I can try and deal with the emotional wounds.
Frankiesdad
 
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Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 11:25 am

Re: My experience of my wife's ectopic

Postby EPT Host 20 » Tue Sep 26, 2017 7:33 pm

Dear Frankiesdad,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

Your feelings are completely normal however, if you find they become overwhelming, we are here. We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

You will both need space to process what has happened and it can feel isolating. With us here at the Trust, we have been through similar experiences and I can understand how lonely it feels. You have a friend here and please do continue to lean on us for as long as you need.

Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
EPT Host 20
 
Posts: 1531
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 9:58 pm


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