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So... I’m not usually one to share how I’m feeling too much, but I’m hoping that my story may be similar to others and any advice is welcomed.
So... my wife and I got married on 18th December 2020 (in-line with the current 15 people COVID rule) and we were so delighted. That day, my wife told me that she felt hot a few times, anyone who knows my wife would tell you that she is NEVER warm, let alone hot.
The next morning at 4am, I was woken up to a pregnancy test being shoved in my face and it took me a minute or two to work out what was happening. As soon as it sunk it, I was over the moon! I began ordering all of the stuff (I’m sure you know what I mean), I began rejigging work timetables etc, I was absolutely ecstatic! Meanwhile my wife, although happy, just wasn’t quite at the same level.
A few days later, I’ve completely reorganised my life and being self employed, I began searching for a new employee to share my work loaf and make more time for my expanding family. I’m standing in the kitchen preparing my wife’s favourite meal, when she walks in and bursts into tears, of course my heart just sank! She told me that she had experienced some bleeding but I brushed it off with my new YouTube knowledge and said “no! That’s implantation bleeding, that’s totally normal.”
A day later and the same thing happens, this time I’m a little more worried (I don’t know exactly why) but I still don’t believe it was a bad sign. As my wife was worried, I rang 111 and was told that a doctor would ring me back within 2 hours (this call was at 9pm). I ended up waiting up until 5:30am for a callback from a doctor, that didn’t come. Finally, at 9am the next day, I was awoken by the call and jumped out of bed, the doctor was very vague and said “it could be normal or it could be a miscarriage, it’s too early to scan, not a lot I can do.” Of course, I comforted my wife and promised her that everything would be okay.
We are now at Christmas Day, we had the day together and had a wonderful time, until my wife went to the toilet at about 11pm and there was more blood. This time I was done, I drove my wife to our nearest A & E (35 mins from our house) and walked her to the reception, this was as far as I was going to go, I was told due to COVID I can’t go in with my wife and would have to wait in the car. I cannot describe how I felt at this point, but weirdly, there was a young couple in the car park who has blown a tyre getting to the hospital and I spent the next hour helping them change their tyre and got them back on the road, which really saved me mentally at this point and I had somewhere to channel my attention and my hurt. Just after this couple left, my wife came back out to me and had been told that she must return on New Year’s Eve for a scan and she told me that the doctors didn’t seem too worried.
After what felt like the longest few days of my life, I drove my wife back to the hospital for her scan, reassuring her that the doctors weren’t worried and I’m sure it would all work out. Again, I dropped my wife at the reception and was once again instructed to return to my car and wait. The longest 45 minutes of my life then ensued, until I received a text message from my wife that read “you can come up, doctor says it’s fine.” At this point, I could feel my heart in my mouth, I don’t know why, but I knew something was wrong. I ran (and I mean RAN) to the reception and told the lady I was summoned, she didn’t ask anything further just temp checked me and pointed me in the right direction, before I ran again, I got to the lift and the emergency gyny Ward was on the 4th floor, I didn’t wait for the lift, not even for a second, instead I sprinted up the stairs and got to the ward. When I got there (I would not wish this next part upon my worst enemy), all of the staff knew who I was and why I was there, a nurse showed me to a door labelled ‘quiet room’ and as I pushed that door open, my wife was curled in a ball in the corner of this sofa, crying her eyes out, that heart that was previously in my mouth, just exploded! I didn’t know what to do, I ran over to my wife and just wrapped my arms around her. I honestly didn’t know what to do or say and I’m normally really good in these sorts of situations. A few minutes passed and the nurse came through, she did give me information, I know she did, but not a word sunk in and I couldn’t tell you for the life of me what she had explained.
I got my wife home that evening and ran her a bath, we fell asleep together at 8pm of New Years Eve, not wanting to celebrate in any form or fashion.
My wife is doing much better now and I am so very proud of her, which I tell her every day, but I just don’t know what to say to her. We are usually so open with each other, but I’m scared to broach the topic, as just a baby on tv can send her into tears.
Now, this may come across the wrong way and believe me, I don’t mean for it to, but I found that the care and attention is left out when it comes to the men. I’m just expected to resume normal life and no one really cares how I’m feeling, I will always hold my wife higher than me and ensure that she is looked after, as I know she is feeling a million times worse, but I’m struggling really badly!
I don’t really know what I want to achieve by writing this, but if you’ve read this far, thank you for bearing with me and allowing me to vent to you. I just don’t know how to feel and what to say or do, I’m lost and I’ve never felt this way before. A bit of back story to put this into context, I had testicular cancer at 18 (I’m now 26) and babies were always a concern, but when I was going through all of that, it only really affected me (if you get what I mean). This time, I’m watching the woman I love more than anything in the world go through a heartbreaking ordeal and I am absolutely powerless.
Sorry to waffle, but just writing this has helped me to vent and off load a little.
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks that your wife and yourself have had to suffer this loss. These boards are filled with people who, unfortunately, know deeply the agony of which you speak. Ectopic pregnancy and any early baby loss has a profound effect on both men and women. Each person processes the experience differently and finds different routes to recovery. Women are experiencing both physical and emotional traumas, and it can be very difficult to express their feelings. These feelings will also change, sometimes daily, weekly, and even over the longer term.
It is so heartening to read your expressions of care and concern for your wife. These boards are safe spaces for our thoughts, reflections, and just to vent. It's important to keep the communication open between yourselves. Sometimes journalling may help express what cannot be put into verbal words.
Sometimes these feelings are hard to communicate with others, and for that reason, we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We operate a helpline service, and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you or your wife would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too if you prefer that route.
Also, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
No matter what, we are here for you whenever you need. Please know you are not alone and take all the time you need to look after yourself and your wife's recovery. We are here for you whenever you want to talk.
With good wishes,
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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