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Immediately after my surgery, I felt so numb for honestly, months. I ignored my feelings and grief. I told people that I didn’t feel sad because it was just a cluster of cells. Well, I lied. I worked at a daycare at the time and seeing others with their babies killed me. I still wonder why I wasn’t good enough to produce a beautiful healthy baby like others do. I look in the mirror, see stretch marks from my surgery, and a huge c section scar that some women are so proud of because they conceived and I am jealous because I couldn’t do the same. I am also disgusted with myself because I just have these scars and nothing to prove for it. I get asked “are those stretch marks from a pregnancy?” And there I am telling my story about my loss as if I didn’t care about it at all.
I feel as though I’ve never been able to discuss my true feelings with anyone because I don’t feel that they are valid, especially because “it could be worse”. I also have a really hard time talking to my partner about the situation because I know he doesn’t want children anyway. He was very supportive of my physical healing process after my surgery but I’ve never discussed the emotional train wreck it has put me on. I became severely depressed for months following my situation. I gained roughly 50lbs and felt terrible. I didn’t want to leave the house, get ready, put clothes on, see other people, hang out with my old friends. And god forbid, I especially did not want to associate myself with anyone with children or that were pregnant. I find myself jealous of others’ successful pregnancies and I never want to be that person to rain on someone else’s parade so i just distances myself, lost friends and received so much backlash for ignoring people and not wanting to go to the bar with my “friends”. I still feel like the people who I would expect to see me change and noticed the depression and just even let me know that they were there for me, didn’t notice, or care enough to offer help. I would sit in bed and cry and cry just because i was in a “bad mood” but I really I was just so depressed and so deep into it that I couldn’t get out. I just simply want to stop feeling so hurt and so alone. My depression has gotten a lot better and i think i am starting to heal some but I want to finally accept this loss and move on. It has been so hard. This last month it has hit me so bad again because my partners sister was In the end of her pregnancy and the family was so happy for the first grand baby when in reality, ours should have been it. I am just still hurting. I found this page after hours of searching and reading others stories and I hope to see that I am not alone, and will help me heal. I know I should be “over it” by now but unfortunately, I am not. It is 2:46 am and I am up with extreme anxiety and just want to grow from this. I want to know that there IS in fact, hope. Thank you to everyone sharing their stories. I feel so much better seeing that I am not alone. I will be back for more guidance, especially when I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole. Hopefully that won’t be again, but if it does, I’ll be here searching for help.
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. Thank you so much for having the courage to talk about how you feel and contacting the Trust. I too suffered in silence following my ectopic pregnancy. It took me two years to be honest and face my feelings and like you, I reached out to the Trust. I found comfort in reading other people's posts. People understood how I felt and I didn't feel so alone. I was also advised that although my feelings, like yours were completely normal, hanging onto those feelings does not help us recover. I went for counselling as advised, and in time learnt that we will never forget our pregnancy or babies but we can learn to accept what has happened and crucially understand that it wasn't our fault.
After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.
We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services.
The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and I will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: firstname.lastname@example.org
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
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Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team