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Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

This is a welcoming place for you to ask your questions and share your knowledge and experiences of ectopic pregnancy.
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Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2021 12:45 pm

Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by walker_sophie »

Hey everyone, is anyone else been asked quite a few times by doctors/nurses/friends if you were trying for a baby before an ectopic? Then when you reply ‘no’ and you get the feeling/response that having an ectopic isn’t that bad then?

It’s happened again to me and really upset me, it doesn’t matter that my partner and I weren’t trying. I found out and had 6 days to start to process that we’d made a little baby and then I lost it all. It happened and I lost something that we made and that belonged to both of us not to mention also losing a Fallopian tube during emergency surgery. Which has led to huge fears of fertility in the future.

Sorry for the rant, just wondering if anyone feels the same or am I being mean and overthinking everything?

Sophie xx

EPT Host 22
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Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by EPT Host 22 »


I am so sorry that you have suffered this ectopic pregnancy and loss. Even if we weren't trying for a baby, it is a physical and emotional trauma. We are grieving the loss of what might have been, as well as having concerns for our future health and fertility.

People can be well-meaning, but might not know how to express their concern for us. These boards are filled with women and men who, unfortunately, are bound by this experience. They are safe spaces for your thoughts, reflections, and just to vent. It is very difficult for those who haven't experienced ectopic pregnancy to understand the particular traumas we have suffered.

Please be kind to yourself right now. All of the emotions you are feeling are natural. There will be days that feel better than others. Most especially, take good care of yourself, and we are here for you for as long as you need.

With good wishes,


The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
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Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2020 9:00 pm

Re: Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by Rosie2020 »

Just want to share that I felt exactly like this. You are not alone. I am sorry you are going through this too. I was so surprised that so many people asked about the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy/conception including the consultant just before the surgery. So many insensitivities that I guessed were completely unintentional but still really hurt a lot at the time... and it was very difficult to process the conflicting emotions. A very close friend said ‘I’m so glad you didn’t want the baby as it means you’ll be ok’! - I can’t even describe now how I felt at that moment but it was incredibly difficult and traumatic. My advice would be that you don’t have to justify or explain your grief to anyone. It is impossible to make sense of sometimes and that is fine. It is not simple and in the end I told myself to try to just accept that my feelings were conflicting in so many ways. And that my reactions to the insensitive comments of others were much stronger than I anticipated. And that was ok too. Sending lots of love xxx

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Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2021 9:49 pm

Re: Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by miranda864 »

Sorry to hear this from both the posters here, I had a similar experience. I am not surprised, people just don't think about what it means. I think a lot of people say those sorts of things to try and protect/convince themselves that the situation is not that bad or perhaps even be reassuring to you. Of course, it doesn't help at all and it's rude and hurtful! An unexpected pregnancy, and a loss, let alone a scary one, are all difficult things to get your head around and of course there will be a range of emotions from sad to scared regardless of whether the pregnancy was intended or not.

I don't think pregnancy loss is very well-understood from those who haven't gone through it, nor do I think the difference between a non-traumatic pregnancy loss and something like an ectopic is understood either. I certainly had a poorer understanding of these things when I was younger and had not gone through this, although, I never made comments quite like that about or to other people. And, it is different for everybody as there are women who aren't as upset about things like ectopics if they didn't want to get pregnant, which is entirely normal and okay too. It's a very confusing and personal area and it's not up to anyone else to project how the woman should/shouldn't feel.

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Joined: Sun Mar 07, 2021 7:29 am

Re: Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by LouPa21 »

Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and my thoughts and love are with you.

I had a similar experience to this also. We had not planned to get pregnant but were so excited when we found out.
I'm 5 days post op having had my right tube remove and feeling numb and lost.

When I was initially assessed at the EPAU I remember the nurse asking me if it was planned and when I was sent home to wait for further tests i remember her saying something along the lines of "Well you seem to be fine and taking this well especially as is wasn't planned". Little did she know that my character automatically puts on a mask for others but when I got home I sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably to my partner and wished I wasn't here anymore.

This lady was an incredible nurse and when I saw her following this she was extremely empathic and provided excellent care to me as did the entire team; I think in her own way she was just trying to help and didnt realise what she had said would pierce me so deeply.

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Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:37 pm

Re: Were you trying for a baby?’ - No. ‘Oh it’s ok then’

Post by Mags2021 »

Hi there..
Just wanted to say I know how you feel..I am a very “non baby” person, or I was until recently.. I was always content with my life with no kids, with the odd niggling feeling of what might be...
So when I got pregnant totally unexpectedly, it was a huge shock..I only had a week in this new world, when I thought I was miscarrying and then realised it was ectopic and had emergency surgery..
And yes, I experienced this exact scenario... no, we weren’t actively trying, no, we weren’t undergoing, we didn’t plan this..BUT that doesn’t mean our lives didn’t completely alter for those few precious days of pregnancy..
People try to reassure you I think, but I don’t think they get it, unless they have been through it.. I think we are ok to feel whatever way we like..but people really need to think before they speak, unfortunately this isn’t the case in life..
I feel cheated enough, don’t need someone to rub my nose in it...
Just wanted to say I hear your frustration.. please mind yourself..

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