Struggling

[Shellyk81]

I’m struggling with dealing with my second ectopic pregnancy, this time I’ve had methotrexate and still ended up with a ruptured tube. I had massive internal bleeding and emergency surgery to remove. I can’t keep control of my emotions and feel like nobody understands me, I’m not only dealing with the fact I was in a life threatening situation but still grieving for the one thing I want most in the world. It’s been 8 days since my surgery and I just feel so confused with how I feel. I should be grateful I’m here but all I can think about is the loss of another baby and what this means moving forward. Though I’m moving around ok, I’m not ok physically either. Someone said they know what it’s like, but no they don’t. I’m sad one minute, crying the next, angry and confused all the time. I’m losing myself to all of this and feel alone.

[Deerdancer]

I completely understand how you feel...its one of the most emotionally challenging experiences I've been through and that's after 3 previous miscarriages because they were straight forward!(natural losses). I can't give advice surgery wise because I had the jab but maybe check in with your doctor if concerned? Emotionally you just need to let yourself feel everything and let it all out, I think it helps us to process what has happened and what we've been through because tbh it's a whirlwind. From the highs of pregnancy, to the disappointment of miscarriage and then the horror of an ectopic and working all that out. I have signed up to IAPT Talking Therapy and found that that's helpful. You are not alone, take it day by day and always here if you need because I have to say I find offloading to people who understand the pain very cathartic! Each day it'll get a little bit better, some days you'll be under a cloud but I know another day will come. What keeps me going is the determination to have my babies, even though after 4 miscarriages I do feel fearful. Sending you lots of love

[EPT Host 22]

Hi Shellyk81,

My heart goes out to you reading this post. I am so sorry to hear you suffered a second ectopic pregnancy and loss. It is difficult to bear, even when we understand what is happening. I also had two ectopic pregnancies and felt so much emotion around how unfair it felt and unexplained the reasons for them. Your emotions are very natural, and we are here to support you however you need.

I also felt difficulty in people's expressions of condolence or in relating to my experience. Ectopic pregnancy is unique and it's okay to treat it as such. I think that helps with awareness as well; being able to speak about what it is/isn't. However, grief and loss is a shared experience, and I understand now that people are finding a way to relate to the emotion of losing something.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We are more than happy to talk with you by email or telephone and answer any questions you may have or simply listen to your experience. In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. The charity, Mind, may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/.

Be kind to yourself in your recovery. We suffer both physical and emotional trauma through ectopic pregnancy, and it can take some time to feel back to ourselves. Please know we are here for you for as long as you need.

With good wishes,

Michele


The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information

*************************************************************************

If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.

Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

*************************************************************************

[Shellyk81]

Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles too. I’ve had a miscarriage too prior to the ectopic pregnancies. It just feels so unfair and really hard to come to terms with. I’m finding it harder this time with all that has happened. I pray for your rainbow baby too I found a lot of comfort in your message and can’t thank you enough!

Since I posted I have been contacted by the EPAU department and have a specialist bereavement nurse who has been able to offer support through talking and explaining my surgery, as I had an emergency operation and had hardly any after care advice which was related to my situation was more about looking after my wounds.

I hope you see this message as I’m unsure if I’m replying correctly. Sending love to you too

[Shellyk81]

Hi Shellyk81,

My heart goes out to you reading this post. I am so sorry to hear you suffered a second ectopic pregnancy and loss. It is difficult to bear, even when we understand what is happening. I also had two ectopic pregnancies and felt so much emotion around how unfair it felt and unexplained the reasons for them. Your emotions are very natural, and we are here to support you however you need.

I also felt difficulty in people's expressions of condolence or in relating to my experience. Ectopic pregnancy is unique and it's okay to treat it as such. I think that helps with awareness as well; being able to speak about what it is/isn't. However, grief and loss is a shared experience, and I understand now that people are finding a way to relate to the emotion of losing something.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We are more than happy to talk with you by email or telephone and answer any questions you may have or simply listen to your experience. In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. The charity, Mind, may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/.

Be kind to yourself in your recovery. We suffer both physical and emotional trauma through ectopic pregnancy, and it can take some time to feel back to ourselves. Please know we are here for you for as long as you need.

With good wishes,

Michele


The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information

*************************************************************************

If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.

Further information is available on our website.

Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk

We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.

Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.

Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team

*************************************************************************

Thank you for your response and I’m sorry to hear you too had to ectopic pregnancies. I hope to speak with you soon and have the contact details below. Physically I’ve not been doing great, with the amount of blood loss I’m wiped out. I wanted to also say, read through this site and the replies I have received I have found comfort recognising the shared emotions. I don’t know anyone else personally who has been through what I have until coming cross this site. This is something to be very proud of it’s amazing how this can help with someone’s mental health, for that I thank you. Shelly x

[Shellyk81]

I completely understand how you feel...its one of the most emotionally challenging experiences I've been through and that's after 3 previous miscarriages because they were straight forward!(natural losses). I can't give advice surgery wise because I had the jab but maybe check in with your doctor if concerned? Emotionally you just need to let yourself feel everything and let it all out, I think it helps us to process what has happened and what we've been through because tbh it's a whirlwind. From the highs of pregnancy, to the disappointment of miscarriage and then the horror of an ectopic and working all that out. I have signed up to IAPT Talking Therapy and found that that's helpful. You are not alone, take it day by day and always here if you need because I have to say I find offloading to people who understand the pain very cathartic! Each day it'll get a little bit better, some days you'll be under a cloud but I know another day will come. What keeps me going is the determination to have my babies, even though after 4 miscarriages I do feel fearful. Sending you lots of love

Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles too. I’ve had a miscarriage too prior to the ectopic pregnancies. It just feels so unfair and really hard to come to terms with. I’m finding it harder this time with all that has happened. I pray for your rainbow baby too I found a lot of comfort in your message and can’t thank you enough!

Since I posted I have been contacted by the EPAU department and have a specialist bereavement nurse who has been able to offer support through talking and explaining my surgery, as I had an emergency operation and had hardly any after care advice which was related to my situation was more about looking after my wounds.

I hope you see this message as I’m unsure if I’m replying correctly. Sending love to you too

[Deerdancer]

It's very unfair, especially when you're tested and all results come back fine, so there is no 'reason' and everyone around you just seems to fall pregnant. I can't help resenting them a little...and feel sad I'll never have that joy of a positive pregnancy test. But then I have to think, thank goodness for modern medicine, we are still here and anything is possible. I am so so pleased your EPU has contacted you, I think it is so important -you have been through such a tough time. Will you be able to have a few sessions with them? You can do this, take your time, remember all is not lost these days, even if its not quite how you might have imagined it. Lots of love

[Shellyk81]

It's very unfair, especially when you're tested and all results come back fine, so there is no 'reason' and everyone around you just seems to fall pregnant. I can't help resenting them a little...and feel sad I'll never have that joy of a positive pregnancy test. But then I have to think, thank goodness for modern medicine, we are still here and anything is possible. I am so so pleased your EPU has contacted you, I think it is so important -you have been through such a tough time. Will you be able to have a few sessions with them? You can do this, take your time, remember all is not lost these days, even if its not quite how you might have imagined it. Lots of love

Thanks for the reply, I’ve had a few hard days physically with my recovery. I really understand how you’re feeling, the emotions of hearing someone you know is pregnant is very mixed for me too. My tests too have always been normal and then to go through the trauma is hard.

Yes let’s both keep in mind not all is lost and hopeful anything is possible these days. My EPAU nurse is supposed be having weekly sessions with me for the next 7 weeks now, she had to cancel Friday so let’s hope I hear from her this week.

Really appreciate hearing from you again, I find comfort in the fact someone gets me. Big hugs and lots of love

[Deerdancer]

I really hope that physically, it starts to get easier for you very soon I've referred myself to a talking therapy and they've referred me to a specialist miscarriage charity, so let me know if the follow ups don't happen and I can share any info. Lots of love to you, I really wish you didn't have to go through this but somehow we will find a way forward. Here anytime

[Shellyk81]

I really hope that physically, it starts to get easier for you very soon I've referred myself to a talking therapy and they've referred me to a specialist miscarriage charity, so let me know if the follow ups don't happen and I can share any info. Lots of love to you, I really wish you didn't have to go through this but somehow we will find a way forward. Here anytime

Hi, getting a little disheartened she text me yesterday arranging a call for my 3 week post surgery check in. It’s not even been 2 weeks yet! Got dates mixed up. Should be calling me today at 3pm I really hope the talking therapy helps you, it’s sometimes all we need to have a safe space to speak out every emotion without any judgment and with someone who understands. Will keep you posted, in case I need the details. In the meantime I really hope this helps and things get better for you thank you for being that invisible support that has helped more than you may realise. Sending love & hugs

[Deerdancer]

I hope today's call was helpful and has boosted you a little!? I just had 1st session with the charity and it's nice to unleash as you said without anyone judging you. Some thoughts I haven't even wanted to admit thinking, I feel able to with them because it doesn't matter! Better out than in right!? I'm so glad I can provide just a little relief in this whole s**t show You've certainly helped me!!

[Shellyk81]

I hope today's call was helpful and has boosted you a little!? I just had 1st session with the charity and it's nice to unleash as you said without anyone judging you. Some thoughts I haven't even wanted to admit thinking, I feel able to with them because it doesn't matter! Better out than in right!? I'm so glad I can provide just a little relief in this whole s**t show You've certainly helped me!!

Hi, I’m so pleased to see that session was positive! I hear you about the thoughts and agree you do need to get them out! 100% better out than in, it’s these things that jiggle away and become so unexplainable then just fester. You definitely have been an amazing support, I talk about your messages to my hubby and say she gets me! It’s massive, thank you I’m glad u have felt some support from me, always here too.

The call was good, lots of tears but again she understood and being able to support with my physical recovery too and able to help me understand too has helped. Long journey yet but I can see a light

Sending love and hugs as always, keep going your doing amazingly! You are in my thoughts and prayers xxx

[Deerdancer]

You've made me feel very emotional! Funny likewise I was telling my husband all about you, your help & how amazingly strong you are!

I am thrilled the call was good, I think it is essential! I didn't know if the person on the other end of the phone would understand me because tbh I was a snotty, tearful mess!! I'm delighted you can see a glimmer of light, that hope is vital to keep us going, fighting & moving forward!

Keep going, I hope you are feeling a little stronger! Lots of love

[Shellyk81]

Aww bless you, being a snotty mess is expected. I think this is also one of the hardest things at the moment remembering we are allowed to cry and let our emotions out. We can’t always be strong and block it out, I’ve learnt over the last couple weeks real strength is in opening up and saying how we feel. It’s harder to fully speak out as you know, you have done that. You have spoken out about your feelings and thoughts, steps into the right direction and healing.

Not had the best day to day some bleeding from one of my wounds, nothing major but really set panic in! Felt something major was going to happen again. Being reviewed Friday hoping just apart of the healing as I’ve been assured. Again lots of love and keep talking, do things that make you smile, we are getting better xx

[Deerdancer]

Goodness that must have been worrying...are you able to contact them easily about any concerns? I hope you managed to have a nice ish weekend & that it settles down very soon

You are so right about strength & opening up. I think woman are amazing tbh, the stuff we have to go through & I try imagining my husband dealing with this but we don't really have choice do we...have to get on with what is thrown at us

Thank goodness it's summer... light evenings, warmish (!?), flowers.... as you said have to find the good things Hope you're ok xx

[Shellyk81]

Goodness that must have been worrying...are you able to contact them easily about any concerns? I hope you managed to have a nice ish weekend & that it settles down very soon

You are so right about strength & opening up. I think woman are amazing tbh, the stuff we have to go through & I try imagining my husband dealing with this but we don't really have choice do we...have to get on with what is thrown at us

Thank goodness it's summer... light evenings, warmish (!?), flowers.... as you said have to find the good things Hope you're ok xx

Hey, my hubby always says there’s no way he could have coped, I tell him he would you just have to get on with things. (We both know either of us believe that lol)

I hope you had a great weekend and feeling a little lighter each day. My weekend has been so so, getting very emotional of late. Getting into contact with the nurse and department is as you expect, takes a while to get through.

Yes we do have to get on with what’s thrown at us, we have to remember though we are entitled to have a wobble. You have to stay strong, is all I hear. It’s hard to, sometimes I just want to cry and get worried about everyone around me stressing.

The lighter nights are great, wish it was warmer!! I love the flowers and the sound of the birds, so relaxing in the morning to listen to blocks out the thoughts! I hope you have an amazing day and are as good as can be! Sending love & hugs

[Deerdancer]

We are strong but we are definitely allowed to cry, that's part of it! I do hate being told I'm brave because I don't feel I am... I'm just getting on as normally as I can I think!

I've come home to see my parents and its nice to have a change of scenery tbh! Feel like I've run away for a bit but dreading going back! I hope you have been ok this week, how are you physically & emotionally now?

Sending you lots of

[Shellyk81]

We are strong but we are definitely allowed to cry, that's part of it! I do hate being told I'm brave because I don't feel I am... I'm just getting on as normally as I can I think!

I've come home to see my parents and its nice to have a change of scenery tbh! Feel like I've run away for a bit but dreading going back! I hope you have been ok this week, how are you physically & emotionally now?

Sending you lots of

Hi, I’m glad you feel like you’re having an escape and being with your parents must be nice. I hope going back isn’t/wasn’t too bad?

I’m not having the best time, physically had a reaction to some medication over the weekend so been recovering from that, my support nurse has kind of deserted me not heard from her or had a reply since last week, so the joys of GP receptionist at the moment lol I should moan they have been nice just not getting calls back as promised.

I’m hoping for a better few days and digging deep to keep positive, like you said it is hard and we are not always as brave and strong and people around us think.

Wishing you strength and sending love let’s hope for better days very soon xx

[Deerdancer]

Ahh I'm sorry she's deserted you, that's really not very good. The EPU told me to contact IAPT talking therapy and then they referred me onto a charity. I haven't progressed forward at the mo because being away is helping but the 2 sessions I had were so so helpful. So if your nurse doesn't deliver, may be worth trying them. I hope you are ok, so sorry you had a bad reaction, just what you need
It will get better, just sucks have to go through the rubbish first. I hope you are taking it easy In still hiding away!