Unsure about it anymore

[ShaeS]

So it's almost been a year since my ectopic.
It happened on Christmas Eve last year.
I found out I was pregnant at about 5weeks (Nov 2022) but my first ultrasound wasn't until Jan 2023 assuming because I wasn't high risk and this would've been my first child at 25.
On Christmas Eve I was cooking before going to work but I kept getting lightheaded thinking that it was just the heat of the kitchen didn't think too much of it until I had this unbearable pain in my stomach but I wasn't bleeding so I thought it can't be a miscarriage or anything.
After going to the hospital I ended up having emergency surgery and had to have my left tube removed and they kept me overnight to Christmas day because no pharmacies was open to get me pain relief and just in case I needed a blood transfusion.
On top of the pure shock of everything and it happening so fast I keep thinking how they treated me, when I first went I was examined by a nurse she kept asking am I sure this isn't a UTI pain and am I sure I'm pregnant, at this point I was 9 weeks and did get confirmation at 5 weeks from the doctor which I told them when checking in.
And the doctor who actually did the surgery had the nerve to say when I asked him is there any preventative action I can take so it doesn't happen again and he tells me well don't try and have one and it won't happen again. Like this wasnt already traumatic enough. And he wasn't gentle when stitching my belly button up smh I still can't believe how he treated me. And they couldn't tell me anything about the baby other than it was big so he had to make a bigger incision. I could've known the gender and I was asked if I wanted it or if that was even a option. Out of everything I really wish I could've had my baby back atleast.
Thru all of this my boyfriend of 9yrs has been supportive, this would've been both of our first child. But now I'm just unsure if he wants to try again even though he's said it, it's like his actions isn't showing it. Like for this whole year I've been trying to just be healthy going to appointments to make sure I'm good but I feel as if I'm the only one trying if that makes sense. I know he's scared that I won't be able to handle another lose and I'm unsure if I can either but we'll never know if we don't try, right?
I just don't know what to do anymore
I feel hopeless seeing how easy it is for those around me, even just thinking about Christmas hurts I know it'll never be the same around this time of year anymore, I just wish this didn't happen at all.
I thought time passing would make it better but I actually feel worse.
Just needed to vent for once.

[Headspace2020]

Hi,

I’m so sorry about your experience and also disgusted by your treatment by medical professionals.
As I was reading your experience I couldn’t help but think you’d likely really benefit from talking through all of this in much more depth with a counsellor - you talk about needing to vent for once so you’d likely get a lot from the opportunity to do this weekly or fortnightly for a period of time and there’s clearly a lot going on for you - I don’t think any response on here would really do it justice.
There may be some local women’s centres or organisations offering free services. If you are in a position to pay you can use counselling directory, the bacp or psychology today to find a qualified counsellor near to you.
If you need more help or guidance with that just reply and I’ll come back to you.
I’m a counsellor and if you had contacted me I’d have recommend a talking therapy (person centred counselling) and perhaps a session of clinical hypnotherapy re the Christmas association that’s now been built into your experience. But of course that’s only from reading one post so I would encourage you to reach out so you can decide what’s best for you. X

[EPT Host 20]

Dear Shae,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss and of the way you were spoken too.
If you want to find out more information about your ectopic pregnancy or complain about any staff, do contact the Patient Advice Liaison Service (PALS) within your hospital who will be able to look into this for you.
Generally ectopic pregnancy occurs before the gender of the baby is known so you may not be able to find out specific information.
There is no timeframe for recovery of ectopic pregnancy and anniversaries can be particularly hard reminders of everything we have been through, what we lost and future worries. If you are still struggling in this way however, after a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services and we have more information here: http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need.

Sending much love,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information
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