My brain is frazzled

[KM_A911]

I don’t even know what I’m doing posting this, but I need to get it off my mind, so apologies in advance, this is going to be a rambling long one.

Me and my husband got together 6&1/2 years ago, I was 19. We got engaged quickly (4 months) and married 2 years later. We decided we wanted a baby after being together for a year, and started trying, after 2&1/2 years, month after month with no luck, crying with grief and pain and hurt when my period came, numerous tests, scans, ovulation tracking, an exploratory laparoscopy, and eventually a referral for IVF, all on top of Covid hitting, we found out we were pregnant naturally in July 2020. I was in shock. I had a lot of anxiety the first trimester, worried that I would lose the baby, because it seemed too good to be true.

I had the best pregnancy, and gave birth to our beautiful son in March 2021. Labour was long, and I suppose when I look back at it quite traumatic, nothing really went wrong, it’s just my body couldn’t dilate past 7&1/2cm and my son was head down but facing sideways with his hand up to his face, my body was taking over and they were telling me to stop pushing, but I couldn’t, I remember I had a cervical check from an older midwife, it was about 1am, so already 22 hours since contractions had started, I laboured at home for the first 20 hours, she was so rough, told me not to hold my husbands hand, and to put both my hands under my bum, she then rammed her fingers into me, twisted them around and yanked them out, I practically crawled up the back of the bed screaming out in pain, she then said ‘you need to go to the birthing centre your 6cm’ so I said okay, and she then said get up then come on! I then started to bleed from how rough she was. I was physically shaking, my husband was mortified!

When we got to the birthing center they gave me some gas and air and I had the most lovely midwife, she brought me food, let me in the birthing pool, and it was just so relaxed and lovely, everything me and my husband wished for, I was calm and labouring well, I lost all track of time but I remember her saying that I just wasnt dilating anymore, baby was perfectly fine and apparently didn’t even know I was in labour! So they broke my waters, to see if that would help, they also had to do a scan as they thought he had turned breach, he hadn’t, I was in a lot of distress and excruciating pain at this point and was exhausted. My body was giving up and my adrenaline had ran out easily a day ago. They then told me to get on all fours, listened to my sons heartbeat that had dropped into single digits, the midwife then literally flipped me back onto my back and said we need to go to labour ward, and started pushing the bed off, my husband hadn’t even had time to pack our things away, I was then panicking and begged them for a caesarean, to just get my son out safely, they then offered me an epidural, in which I said yes but to just cut him out of me now, they said either way they would need to do an epidural. It took them 3 attempts because my contractions where just one long one by now with no break, I nearly paralysed myself from moving, but I couldn’t think straight, I hadn’t slept since 2am saturday night into Sunday morning and this was now about 11pm on Tuesday (I think!!) the epidural kicked in and I managed to get some sleep, I remember the midwife waking me up and saying can we check you? I said yes, she then said ‘wow! Well your now 10cm and I can feel his head! Ready to push?!’ I had to wake my husband up, and our beautiful son was born 20 minutes later with only 3 sets of pushes. I ended up having 2nd degree tears and tore both sides of my urethra! Ouch!! But it didn’t matter as he was here safe. I wanted to give him everything I could and I managed to breastfeed him until 14 months, and he is the most perfect boy and is now nearly 3!

I suppose I never really thought of it as a traumatic birth, that it was just long, (72hrs 40mins to be precise!) but when I reflect it was indeed very traumatic. It also didn’t help that on the post natal ward I was left to my own devices as my husband got sent home due to covid restrictions, I couldn’t move from my bed because I had an epidural and a catheter in. My husband was allowed back at 4pm that day, I got moved to the ward at 6am. I remember I just sat holding my son, because he had some mucous and was projectile vomiting everywhere. The nurse came around and took him off me, put him in the cot, and said I need to put him down and get some sleep, as soon as she left I picked him back up and sobbed my heart out with him in my arms, I felt so alone, and like I was a burden.

Fast forward to a year after he was born, we decided we wanted to try for a sibling, we knew he was still young, but it took us so long to get him that we didn’t expect it any time soon. We started trying to conceive in February 2022, and got pregnant in October 2022. We had a suspected missed miscarriage in September 2022 but doctors aren’t certain so I guess we’ll never know with that one! We were in shock again but over the moon. We had known for just under 2 weeks. When I was at work one day, ( I used to be a funeral director) I had just arranged a baby funeral for a family who had lost their baby in early pregnancy (horrific but part of the job I’m afraid), I hadn’t been feeling great all day, and my colleague said am I okay to lock up or did I want him to wait? I said no it’s fine! See you tomorrow! I went to the toilet before making the 45minute commute home, and saw I had started bleeding, it was light, but enough to see it was a bleed. I rang my sister and screamed and sobbed down the phone at her that I had lost my baby. The pain I felt that night was something else. I could barely walk and it felt like something was bulging ‘down there’ but I refused to go to hospital as there was nothing they could of done. We had an early scan booked for 3 days later to see what had happened, I remember going to that scan feeling sick to the pit of my stomach, me and my husband barely spoke to each other as we were both in shock and expecting the worst. The sonographer did the scan and classed as ‘pregnancy of an unknown location’ and referred us to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital who booked me in for an appointment in another two days. I then went home and passed a clot, I remember saying to my husband ‘well it isn’t in an unknown location anymore’ (horrific I know but I was in shock and didn’t know how to respond). The hospital appointment came around very slowly, the longest two days of my life. I was expecting them to confirm a miscarriage and it all be done with. They did a blood test to see my base HCG levels and said to come back in 2 days for another blood test. I did that and my HCG levels were rising so they said I am still ‘actively pregnant’ and maybe I hadn’t lost the baby. Another two days later another blood test, HCG levels had dropped, but not enough to indicate a complete miscarriage, another two days another blood test and my HCG levels had risen again, but not enough to indicate a healthy pregnancy. I had no idea what was going on, I was in no pain anymore. And if I hadn’t of been bleeding I wouldn’t of known anything was wrong. They brought me back two days later and did a scan, in which they found a ‘mass’ on my right side, and a big section of blood in my pouch of Douglas. They then confirmed it to be an ectopic pregnancy and said I would need surgery that day to remove it as the baby was still growing and was now nearly 8 weeks gestation, they were shocked that I had no pain and was fine in myself apart from the bleeding and also that it hadn’t ruptured already! My whole world collapsed there and then. I went into survival mode, the surgeon came to see me and said they were waiting for a bed and that I would be next, I sat around for hours. My scan was at something like 8am and by 6:30pm I was still sat there on my own because my husband had to get back to look after my son. I wasn’t allowed any food or drink apart from sips of water, which was understandable but cruel seeing as I was still pregnant! At around 6:45 the surgeon came again and apologised and said they won’t be able to get me a bed until around 1am, I explained that I was exhausted and just wanted to go home and that I was fine, he said the fact that I am well in myself and not in any pain he was happy for me to go home and sleep and come back at 7:30 the next morning and I was first on his list.

The day of the surgery came and I just got up and went to the hospital. I was numb, and in shock, like I wasn’t really here, from the day the bleeding started to the day of the surgery it had almost been 2 weeks, I didn’t understand it all but it had to be done because if it didn’t and it ruptured I would possibly die. My husband couldn’t stay with me because of our son, but I told him not to anyway and said I was fine, I had no emotion, the surgery went ahead at about 9am and when I woke up again at about 10:30am they explained to me that the ‘product of conception’ had been removed but the damage was too bad so they had to take my right tube as well. I was then discharged from the hospital at about 1pm.

I don’t remember much else after that to be honest, I remember the pain I was in, the disgust I felt looking at the body that failed me, my scars to this day make me feel sick. They said I would bleed after the surgery but I didn’t, until a week later and it was like a water fall, I was petrified and ended up back in hospital, they checked all my blood loss and clots and put it down to a heavy withdrawal bleed and sent me home again.

It was strange to me that everyone in the world had no clue what I had been through, and I felt I just had to pretend that I was perfectly fine and that I wasn’t bothered, because everyone else was doing just that. Even my husband had next to no emotion, but I have now recently found out that it’s because he didn’t really feel a connection in the first place, it kills me to hear that but I also understand it from his point of view.

Trying to come to terms with the loss was and still is hard, I am only just starting to begin to deal with it. And we have just passed a year since my surgery (Nov 9th). To top it all off I also lost my best friend to cancer in February this year, of course given my career her wishes were I conduct her funeral, she was only 26, and as much as I did it for her, I wish I never did. There’s a different type of trauma level when having to prepare the body of someone so close to you, and I can’t even begin to explain what I had to see. And it haunts me every day. I also had another baby funeral to do. A 14 week gestation baby, I had a mental breakdown that day, holding that poor tiny innocent child in my hands, knowing inside that if I hadn’t of lost my own child I would have been 16 weeks gestation. I then lost my beloved dog in May, he was my rock and has quite literally been everything to me in the past when I had nothing, he would have been 8 in July. I went into full self sabotage mode and was living life through my pain rather than my heart, I wanted everyone else to hurt like I was. I made stupid mistakes that have lead to me losing my family, my marriage, my career, everything, I have completely lost myself in all of this. And as much as it may be too little too late. I need to deal with this now. In the last two days I have spoken to my GP for help, and they have diagnosed me with PTSD. I have restarted my counselling program and am willing to overcome all of this trauma, because if I don’t it will slowly kill me.

I’m sorry for rambling on, and sharing my whole life story. But I needed a safe place to get it off my chest.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening.

[EPT Host 20]

Dear KM,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss and everything you have been through.
I certainly feel anniversaries can trigger emotions again. I was like you and battled on for around 2 years following my ectopic pregnancy before I reached out for support, so I just wanted to say thank you for taking the step to.opening up on this forum.
I am pleased to hear that you have already approached your GP and they have booked you for PTSD therapy as I really do think you have signs of PTSD.
You m sure your therapist will mention about being kind to yourself during this period of therapy as it can be a difficult time but will be worth it.

I also wanted to mention that we operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We also have group zoom sessions. This in no way takes the place of formal therapy but we'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish. I

We will also be here in the forums for you as well. These are safe spaces to open up among friends who understand how you feel.

Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information
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